Mound Conference Theater

DMZ · September 9, 2004 at 6:11 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

For September 8th.

Melvin: So, while we’re waiting for Villone… you guys want to go out after the game, get something to eat?
Bloomquist: Sorry Bob, I’ve got to… uh… do my ab workout.
Melvin: What about you guys?
Olivo: No way, you have the stench of losing about you. It spoils my appetite.
Bloomquist: And you know, an ab workout, that takes a long time. So I can’t go to dinner.
Cabrera: I’m going to… walk over here.
Olivo: Thornton had three strikeouts and you’re going to take him out for Villone? What are you thinking?
Melvin: Thirteen Coins, maybe? Don’t they have those little steak medallions?
Bloomquist: I’m not lying about the workout just so I don’t have to go to dinner with you.

Boone: Hey, guys, have you seen the ballgirls tonight? They’re smoking.
Bloomquist: Hey, Mr. Boone.
Boone: Shut up.
Melvin: I’m thinking about going to Thirteen Coins tonight, Booney.
Olivo: The wild pitch, that was my fault. Let Thornton go for the third out, then start the eighth with a righty against Belliard, and you save Villone.
Boone: I’m just saying.
Bloomquist: What’s taking Villone so long?
Melvin: So Booney, you want to go? Hit Thirteen Coins? Steak medallions….
Boone: Uhhh… noooo, I’m going straight home, I taped the Amazing Race last night–
Olivo: Oh, I love that show. Those bowling moms are really getting on my nerves. “Oh, we’re in last place, oh, we’re so unlucky.”
Melvin: Sounds sort of like me.
Olivo: You’re still here?

Cabrera: He scares off the women, too, and when he tries to make friends with the waiter…
Lopez: Yes?
Cabrera: It’s embarassing, man. We were at this steakhouse, he kept calling everyone by these nicknames…
Lopez: Like with the y?
Villone: Como estas, amigos
Lopez: What is that, are you practicing for your retirement as a greeter at Azteca?
Cabrera: For someone who looks like they jog in from the bullpen you take your sweet time.
Villone: I’m not young and fast like you boys. How’s that rosin bag treating you, Boone, you see that ball girl tonight?
Bloomquist: Hey, Mr. Villone
Villone: Shut up.
Boone: You going to get some grounders for me?
Villone: You going to catch them?
Melvin: Okay, so Broussard —
Olivo: We know, go back to the dugout and mark another day off your calendar.
Melvin: Hey…
Villone: What’s up, Bob, you’re not going to have Thornton finish the inning?
Melvin: Hey come on, boys, give me a break.
Bloomquist: Umpire, Mr. Villone.
Villone: Okay, let’s get this over with. Break!


23 Responses to “Mound Conference Theater”

  1. Jeff Sullivan on September 9th, 2004 6:19 pm

    That may be the funniest thing I’ve read in my life.

  2. Pat Gillicks Hemorrhoids on September 9th, 2004 6:37 pm

    So who is the dumbest Mariner?

  3. jason in nj on September 9th, 2004 6:45 pm

    please, more of these. seriously.

  4. Matt Williams on September 9th, 2004 6:58 pm

    Boone: Hey, guys, have you seen the ballgirls tonight? They’re smoking.

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  5. Jake Brake on September 9th, 2004 7:13 pm

    F’ing brilliant.

    In the immortal words of Asok the Intern, “It is painful because it is true.”

  6. Shawns on September 9th, 2004 7:47 pm

    I know it has nothing to do with this awesomely captioned picture set, but Dave Neihouse (I know I spelled that wrong) just said, “Looking at Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe on the top step of Boston’s dugout kinda makes you wonder where Heathcliff Slocumb is..” That made me laugh. worst trade ever.

  7. Shannon on September 9th, 2004 8:01 pm

    Oh my god…classic stuff! That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in quite some time! Keep these coming.

  8. Jeff on September 9th, 2004 8:01 pm

    Isn’t kind of odd that Dobbs and Reed would get their first start against Wakefield?

  9. mistersleestak on September 9th, 2004 8:04 pm


  10. Steve on September 9th, 2004 8:13 pm

    Could you redo this in LegoVision? 🙂

  11. Goob on September 9th, 2004 8:17 pm

    I’ve only commented here once or twice, but this post was just too funny to not say something. Seriously, you have got to do more of these!

  12. Troy on September 9th, 2004 9:35 pm

    Derek Zumsteg, comic genius.

  13. shigelojoe on September 9th, 2004 9:46 pm

    It’s even funnier if you imagine Bloomquist with the cracking voice of the pimply-faced teenager from “The Simpsons”.

  14. beef on September 10th, 2004 12:07 am

    Boone: Hey, guys, have you seen the ballgirls tonight? They’re smoking.
    Bloomquist: Hey, Mr. Boone.
    Boone: Shut up.

    Bloomquist: Hey, Mr. Villone
    Villone: Shut up.

    good times!

  15. M.O. on September 10th, 2004 5:54 am

    Hope to see more posts like this one. Freakin’ hilarious!

  16. bob mong on September 10th, 2004 8:00 am

    I’m dying here! Hilarious!

  17. tyler on September 10th, 2004 8:13 am

    uhm… candlesticks make a nice gift.

  18. Jeremy on September 10th, 2004 10:06 am

    Nice hustle.

  19. G-Man on September 10th, 2004 10:10 am

    Reminds me of my favorite Mariners commercial of all time, “Mound Meeting”, featuring Norm Charleton and a discussion of Boutros Boutros Ghali.

    We want more, Derek.

  20. Iron Tech on September 10th, 2004 12:07 pm

    The Azteca line is priceless. Good job Derek.

  21. jt on September 10th, 2004 1:53 pm

    That was hilarious! Keep them coming!

  22. Bill J (not to be confused with that other Bill, whomever he is) on September 10th, 2004 10:49 pm

    Derek. Keyboard. You owe me one.

  23. Ryan Healy on September 11th, 2004 12:35 am

    Best post ever. You should have quit on that one.