Derek and Jonah on the Transformers
I’m posting this because Jonah swears it’s hilarious and people will get a kick out of it. So I had a brief argument in which I argued against posting this, because I don’t want to be Simmons, and Jonah said I should go ahead and do it, and if reaction’s bad, I can delete it. Well, he didn’t say I could delete it.
Or you can skip ahead to the next normal USSM posting.
(Jonah makes a reference to Megatron in an email about something else)
I always thought Megatron and Shockwave were ridiculously bad-ass compared to the Autobots, though clearly the size issue (huge robots compacting into guns) was unbelievable, even compared to the other robot/item size issues
18-wheeler, low acceleration, poor handling, can haul cargo oorrr…
prissy leader robot guy who seems content with no vision on how to win war
Psychotic meglamaniac with new plan every week
Which of those should be the more effective in a quest for world domination?
I’m with you on Megatron, but Soundwave? Sure he was really big, but he changed into a Sony tape deck for gosh sakes! It became even more implausible when the Autobots decided to integrate a loaded AIWA sound system (Blaster) as Soundwave’s supposed rival. All we needed was a breakdancing throwdown between Starscream and Bumblebee and you could have called it Breakin’ 3, Cybertron boogaloo.
Shockwave, the big purple laser blaster who took over for Megatron.
Though Soundwave was also cool: she could birth those cassettes that turned into other robots. It was the only female robot, though they never really got into that aspect of things.
Oh good point about the cassettes…Laserbeak, Ravage…that was key–the Autobots HATED Laserbeak. You’re right about Shockwave. Seemed a waste to maroon him on Cybertron and only break him out for key confrontations. I’d have relegated Astrotrain or some other benchwarmer to Cybertron and chucked Shockwave right into the starting rotation.
Oh, let’s not even get into the whole Cybertron/Earth thing. It’s
ridiculous that having Cybertron for a possible setting that the show was
*better* centered on Earth.
Also, that there were only two planets available, and that the Earth was
the only place they could produce Energon cubes.
Wow, I never really pondered that re: the energon cubes, or why Cybertron was the only other planet of note. I guess you just take certain things for granted when you’re 10.
Another thing that got me: In the episode where Beachcomber discovered Electrum, that golden liquid that’s presumably magic urine that makes you invulnerable to attack–if he knew what Electrum was, doesn’t it stand to reason that it exists somewhere? Since it makes you absolutely invulnerable, why wouldn’t both the Autobots and especially the Decepticons spend every episode looking for a source of electrum, given they’d win the war in a walk if they could find it? Just because one pond full of it was blown up somewhere in Ohio or wherever they were supposed to be doesn’t mean more doesn’t exist.
The Electrum thing ranks with Lex Luthor’s discarding of the crystal-that-kills-Superfriends during the greatest/worst episode of Challenge of the Superfriends ever.
So did the Autobots essntially stay on Earth, instead of returning to Cybertron, because they were out of energy, or because they wanted to prevent the Decepticons from getting all of Earth’s energy, which would presumably enabled them to win the war and conquer the galaxy? Or were the Autobots just big fans of the Big Mac?
Well, as you’ll recall, they land on earth because they’re on this ship
duking it out in Cybertron orbit, then it goes out of control and lands on Earth. The Decepticons decide to take it over, the Autobots oppose this takeover. Repairing the ship initially isn’t even an option.
However, I find the Autobots’ view short-sighted. Both sides need energy to survive, and much more of it to sway the course of war on Cybertron. The Decepticons take an aggressive approach to the problem, and considering how easy it is to hold up a gas station and turn that into energon cubes, it’d be pretty easy for them to prey on rural America for their own supplies, and then plan out from there. The Autobots are
good-hearted, for whatever programming flaw, and also decide to remain concealed from humanity.
Think about the scope of that idiotic decision, by the way.
Decepticons: don’t care if humans know they exist, though it’s easier to operate on the down-low they make no attempts at operational security and terrorize people all the time, thus instilling terror of giant robots who steal your energy
Autobots: don’t want humans to know they exist, though they sometimes have to fight Decepticons openly, they immediately run off, thus instilling fear of giant robots who steal your energy and for no reason then fight each other with massive laser weapons that wreck widescale devestation.
Seriously, Optimus: the word will get out pretty quickly. Get ahead of the news, announce your presence like you’re Interpol for giant robot civilizations, ally with the UN to get access to world police organizations and funding, and suddenly you’re the good guys, you can help countries harden their infrastructure against attack and develop early-warning systems, etc. This forces the Decepticons to more and more
desperate attacks at the periphery, and soon they’re allied with North Korea and you get to wipe them out in set battles, rather than chasing them around the Urals all the time.
As an aside, that was my plan for the *Decepticons* to take over the planet, by announcing themselves as the good guys and then framing the autobots for energy thefts.
Here’s another question: Why the hell didn’t the Autobots just sic Omega Supreme on the Decpticons and wipe ’em out once and for all? Geez, that guy was like 3 Devastators.
They’re like the British when they had the chance to assasinate Hitler… they decided it wouldn’t be sporting.
Yeah…better to finesse ’em with a pansy VW Bug and a dunebuggy instead. Geez, even Grimlock could have hatched better plans than Optimus did.
Optimus: Autobots, roll out!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say plan stupid! Listen to Grimlock!
Optimus: No, don’t! We’ve got to get on the road so we can get to the hydroelectric dam.
Grimlock: Optimus dummy! Me Grimlock go to army base! Dinobots steal big nukes, drop on dam! Decepticons go boom! Ha ha ha ha!
Optimus: Blowing up that dam will release a flood of water that will destroy the town. Come on, we’ve got to go beat traffic, since only you Dinobots and Skyfire can fly.
Grimlock: Bomb vaporize water! No harm to humans!
Jazz: Heyyyyyy, uh, Optimus, this isn’t a bad idea, riiiiight?
Optimus: What about the thousands of people who depend on the free electric power of the dam?
Grimlock: We autobots rebuild dam better! Take us two days! Me Grimlock
design new generator! Twice as much free power for hu-mans!
Optimus: But stealing is wrong.
Grimlock: Stealing not so bad! Decepticons worse! Net good for universe!
Optimus: We Autobots will never steal, no matter how large the potential gain.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock laugh at moral absolutes! Ha ha ha! You Optimus thank Grimlock Grimlock destroy Decepticons and we go back to Cybertron heros.
Optimus: Nope, sorry. If I have to fight the Decepticons by myself, then
so be it!
Jazz: Soo heeyyyyy, Grimlock, I was thinking.
Grimlock: Grimlock listening.
Jazz: How many Decepticons would we wipe out, seeeeeeeeee?
Grimlock: Grimlock understand. Noble sacrifice of Optimus not be forgotten. Dinobots — we get bomb now!