Why the Mariners will win the World Series

peter · February 11, 2005 at 7:00 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

The Mariners will win the World Series this year. Mark it down. Check your geeky sabermetric alphabet soup at the door. I have a legitimate hypothesis.

So back at Christmastime a year and a couple of months ago I persuade my Yankee-lovin’ sister to get me a Red Sox hat. I have my reasons for my admiration of the Red Sox, but fear not–it’s nothing more than that: A Platonic admiration. For real. We’re just friends.

And then Christmas morn I open the box. I’m delighted. I unfold it, put it on. Now, my Seattle hat that fits like a glove is a 7-3/8. This Sox cap has to be at least a 10, as the bill is drooping over my nose. I feel like a little kid trying on dad’s cap. I check the size tag, and there you go, it says 7-3/8. Something’s fishy.

Sarah (that’s my Yankee-fied sister) feels terrible as she’s the empathetic, perfectionist sort. At least, I don’t think I heard any sinister giggles from her direction. That wouldn’t be completely out of character for her. We go to the mall. Exchange the cap for a style more suited to my small head. And everyone goes home happy.

Until a couple of days later, when after wearing my new Red Sox cap for a day or two, my forehead breaks out. A huge, nickel-sized collection right in the middle of my forehead. A friend asks what I bumped my head on. So I confront Sarah: “Did you curse my hat?”

Sarah: “Nope. It was the Bambino.” That’s a direct quote.

And then the Red Sox win the World Series.

So what do I ask for this past year for Christmas from the sweet sister? A new Mariners cap. What is it when I pull it from the box? Only 14 sizes too big. So again, we’re off to the mall where there in Tulsa, OK they have an entire wall of New York Yankee hats, floor to ceiling, of assorted styles and colors, most never intended for baseball apparrel. One may have even been edible. I can’t remember. After much searching, I finally discovered the corner of the store containing the single Mariner cap they have available. It’s the same gray one I have in my hand. Not acceptable.

I eventually found what I wanted on the store’s website. My retro ’77 Seattle hat came in the mail a couple weeks back. You can bet that once it’s warm enough, I’ll be sporting it day in and day out through the season in support of my Mariners and explaining to the good, simple citizens of Kentucky where I live just what exactly that yellow pitchfork-looking thing is. And doing it all happily.

Because it means the Mariners are winning the World Series this year.


15 Responses to “Why the Mariners will win the World Series”

  1. paul mocker on February 12th, 2005 8:10 am

    Why are you up at 5:40 on a Saturday?

  2. Chris Miller on February 12th, 2005 8:13 am

    From 99 losses to the world series?! That would be something. Go M’s.

  3. Sheri on February 12th, 2005 8:38 am

    Richie Sexson cited for DUI: http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-mariners-sexsondui&prov=ap&type=lgns
    New Seattle Mariners first baseman Richie Sexson was cited for drunken driving last weekend after being stopped for speeding.

    Sexson, who signed a $50 million, four-year, free-agent contract with Seattle in December, was stopped Feb. 5 near his Clark County home.

    Linda Dozoretz, a spokeswoman for Sexson, confirmed late Friday that he was stopped for speeding and was later “charged with driving under the influence.”

    Sexson entered a plea of not guilty on Wednesday, according to court records.

    Clark County sheriff’s Deputy Gregory Chaney said he initially stopped Sexson for speeding, according to two television reports.

    The deputy estimated Sexson’s speed in excess of 50 mph in a 35 mph zone.

    The deputy said in his report that he suspected Sexson was intoxicated after noticing a “strong odor of intoxicants emitting from the driver’s window,” and seeing an opened six-pack of beer bottles in the back seat of the car.

    According to the report, Sexson refused to take a portable breath test at the scene and then failed a series of field sobriety tests. An hour later, Sexson took two breath tests at the sheriff’s office, both times registering below Washington’s legal intoxication threshold.

    The sheriff’s office said in a statement late Friday that Sexson submitted two breath samples and was then cited for DUI, but the statement did not provide the results of those breath tests.

  4. IggyReilly on February 12th, 2005 9:34 am

    No, it just means the ’77 Mariners will win the World Series in a parallel universe.


  5. ross on February 12th, 2005 1:32 pm

    This blog used to be a legit source of data.

  6. Ivy on February 12th, 2005 2:21 pm

    That is great news! While in Vegas in December for a basketball game I bet on the Mariners to win the World Series (30/1 odds) — and this was after the Sexon, Beltre signings. Planning on a return trip to pick up my big bucks! 🙂

  7. M.O. on February 12th, 2005 2:26 pm

    Alright, when I start seeing posts like this at USS Mariner, I feel that maybe I’m no longer needed in the blogosphere. I mean, really, picking the M’s to win the World Series during a rebuilding year? That is my job!!! Job thief!!

  8. Jonathan on February 12th, 2005 2:52 pm

    lovely. Best of luck with the good, simple Kentuckians. What are they, mostly St. Louis or Chicago fans? Maybe Pittsburgh? An AL cap from 1977 is bound to go over well!

  9. Graham on February 12th, 2005 3:32 pm

    Re #5: And now it’s vaguely amusing as well.

  10. KW on February 12th, 2005 7:03 pm

    Gee whiz! You’re right!

  11. David J Corcoran on February 12th, 2005 9:17 pm

    RE #8:

  12. David J Corcoran on February 12th, 2005 9:22 pm

    I have spend too many hours on the friendly road of Interstate 65 and 71 through Louisville in a cheap rental car on my way to Nashville to see my bro from my Grandfather’s house in Ohio. I’ve spent WAY too many hours in Covington and Florence (Y’all), as, after I catch the redeye to Cincy from SLC, I usually am too tired to drive to Gramps’ house, so I stay in a dump motel in Covington. If I never see Kentucky again, it’ll be too soon.

  13. David J Corcoran on February 12th, 2005 9:28 pm

    And I have eaten at the Waffle House in Hillsdale 27 times. I swear, I could drive that road in my sleep. KY isn’t as bad as Indiana, though, I’ll give you that.

  14. my doggerel on February 12th, 2005 11:05 pm

    Thanks, I like the literary post mixed in with the statistical analyses.

  15. Lou on February 13th, 2005 4:56 pm

    Thanks. Good read.