The Scott Spiezio Diet
Whither Scott Spiezio? Now that we have two rites of spring out of the way — Chris Snelling’s injury and discussion of Griffey trade rumors — Bob Finnigan completes the trifecta with the annual “he’s in the best shape of his life” story, and this time, the best baseball player in the band Sand Frog is the subject.
Lest you assume this is an average tale of athletic endurance and personal commitment to self-improvement, read on. It’s much more amusing.
In an offseason where we’ve already seen Alex Rodriguez brag about his early and often workouts, heard more than we ever wanted to about BALCO and flax seed oil, the Scott Spiezio workout program affords a much more real-world example plan for average folk to relate to. No, the bard of backup infield didn’t hire some butt-kicking personal trainer. He merely made a few dietary adjustments. What adjustments?
“I used to eat ice cream every night, pizza five, six times a week,” he said. “I used to have a Krispy Kreme (donut) every morning when I got here. “
Great John Kruk’s ghost!
That’s right: Spiezio stopped eating Krispy Kremes every morning, ice cream every night and pizza for almost every dinner. Moving these items off of the training table has helped him cut his body fat by about six percent. If nothing else, the new diet should help Spiezio in the quest to actually hit his weight this year.
Though this sounds more like “Super Size Me: Seattle” than an Atkins-level dietary revelation, the results are drawing good reviews.
Trainer Rich [sic] Griffin was impressed by the offseason effort, noting that Spiezio probably ranks among the top 10 altered bodies the Mariners have seen in back-to-back seasons.
That’s a compliment, right? That says more about how good he looks now than how he looked last year, right? Please tell me Griffin didn’t follow that up with “Off the record, if you had painted him purple last season, he would have looked like Grimace.”
(There has to be a way to quote the “altered bodies” space without someone making a steroids joke, doesn’t there? Okay, here goes: wait until Griffin sees the cyborg body Snelling is going to come back with after surgery! All right, I think that went as well as could be expected. Now there’s no need for any hat size cracks.)
The piece’s last few paragraphs repeat that the Mariners are actively trying to trade Spiezio. Given how much business the team’s done with San Diego in recent years, it’s a good thing that McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc doesn’t own the Padres any more.
Look, history shows that you don’t have to be a supreme physical specimen to be a supremely talented hitter. Spiezio is to be commended, though, for his renewed commitment to good health, and I for one am happy for him.
Almost as happy as his arteries must be.