Reasons to suspect Mariner Moose is and is not actually a moose at all

DMZ · April 5, 2005 at 11:43 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Reasons the Mariner Moose is not a moose
1. Walks on two feet in upright, humanoid manner
2. Antlers do not divide in fork-like manner
3. Antlers are not wide, large, or heavy enough
4. Head oriented approximately 90 degrees off normal moose position
5. No “bell” hanging from neck
6. Front legs articulated differently from normal deer orientation with different movement ranges
7. Front hoofs divided into finger-like appendages
8. Front hoofs include opposable thumb
9. Weighs far less than an adult moose
10. Muzzle is soft and furry, rather than fleshy
11. Moose do not ride ATVs in the wild
12. Wears clothing
13. Does not appear to grow new antlers ever season
14. Rather than being reclusive and solitary, is actively social and “can entertain at your next special event including: Birthday Parties, Wedding Receptions, Bar or Bat Mitzvahs, community functions and any other special event where a loveable, domesticated Moose would fit in.” (If anyone takes him up on this, would you please email us and know how it goes?)
15. No slight hump over shoulders
16. No tail
17. Wide, clear eyebrows of distinct color
18. Eyes are far too large in proportion to head
19. During breeding season, does not break silence to search for mate
20. Hair is too short and is not hollow
21. Eyesight far exceeds normal moose acuity
22. Relies on jacketed Mariner ballgirls for protection instead of using antlers, superior size, and sharp hooves
23. Extremely active after dusk
24. Almost all moose in Washington are in the northeastern counties in the Selkirk Mountains
25. Rather than knocking down enemy with front feet and then stomping and kicking with all four feet, charging Mariner Moose holds up sign in an attempt to draw a vocal response from supporters that demoralizes opponent
26. Washington’s Department of Fish and Wildlife has not attempted to help the Mariner Moose back to native habitat, either by leading him back to wild or by tranquilizing and relocating the Moose

Reasons the Mariner Moose is indeed a moose
1. Pursued by people with guns
2. Infested with parasites


40 Responses to “Reasons to suspect Mariner Moose is and is not actually a moose at all”

  1. Steve on April 6th, 2005 12:09 am

    Stated reasons not at all convincing. Most of those traits listed are also shared with the most famous moose of all time – Bullwinkle J. Moose.

  2. Mel on April 6th, 2005 12:33 am

    Re #1: That only proves Mariner Moose is developmentally disabled offspring of Bullwinkle J. Moose; likely product of affair with Natasha and left for adoption upon birth.

    Apparent age of Mariner Moose seems to jibe with this theory also.

  3. Marty Lighthizer on April 6th, 2005 1:03 am

    I had a secret crush on Natasha, and was hoping she’d dump that Badenov chump… Now you tell me she was indulging in bestiality with B.J. Moose… Noooo!

  4. petec on April 6th, 2005 6:13 am

    I took my then-4 year old son to his first game last season. He was absolutely riveted by the “baseball goat”.

  5. drjeff on April 6th, 2005 6:40 am

    14. Rather than being reclusive and solitary, is actively social and “can entertain at your next special event

    This comes as a huge relief, as I had hired a wolverine to entertain at my birthday party and had begun to have second thoughts.

    You know, I used to just get irritated with mascots, wildly-enthusiastic t-shirt-shooting peppy people, fan contests, etc. And then I took my 8-year-old to his first “real” sporting event and watched him go nuts over all that stuff. My tolerance level increased ten-fold.

    There should, however, be some kind of lifetime ban on pulling a kid out of the crowd to announce the starting lineup, though. Ouch.

  6. David on April 6th, 2005 7:17 am

    Good clean chuckle. That’s the second time I’ve laughed this morning. The first was when I heard Mitch Levy tell a story about a guy in his section at the Safe who was a middle-aged man, wearing a glove, spitting sunflower seeds up to 8 or 9 feet from his aisle seat.

    …it was Ken Schram. The image alone, though quite hilarious, doesn’t even get into the “when should men stop wearing mitts to games?” debate. I stopped wearing mitts to games after I graduated from high school.

    On a mascot note…does anyone remember when Slider in Cleveland tore his ACL?

  7. johnb on April 6th, 2005 7:23 am

    When should a man stop wearing a baseball glove to a game? Well the answer to that is probably never. I was in Maryvale, AZ for a game between the Brewer’s and the Ms and saw a fan take a viscous line drive in the mouth who was sitting on the 1st base line. The glove, plus paying attention could have saved him some dental work.

  8. kenshin on April 6th, 2005 7:34 am

    Dude knows WAY too much about moose physiology and behavior

  9. ajp on April 6th, 2005 7:43 am

    I would like to point out that moose mating season is in the fall…as in October or so…and Mariner management has curiously tended to arrange for the Mariner Moose to have no public commitments during this time.

    I think that speaks both for the possibility that the Mariner Moose is genuine, and also, having personally encountered a moose during the rut, for M’s managment commitment to a “fan friendly” environment.

  10. Andrew Gall on April 6th, 2005 7:57 am

    Completely off topic:

    Does anyone know if those seats in centerfield at safeco were removed? I’m coming in from Chicago to attend Friday’s game and was hoping the centerfield beer garden area would be open again, despite what happened at the end of last year.

  11. urch on April 6th, 2005 8:10 am

    Aha! Suddenly, it’s clear to me what DMZ was researching last week at the Hall of Fame! They must have lots of research material there dealing with mooses (meese?). 🙂

  12. Troy on April 6th, 2005 8:13 am

    From what I’ve heard the CF seats haven’t been used yet this year. That doesn’t mean they won’t be.

  13. Dash on April 6th, 2005 8:33 am

    David Locke had an article about the center field seats in an article last week. (His major point was that the bricks had been moved). Currently there are no plans to use the bleachers in the beer garden this year. But they reserve the right to pull them out again if the demand is there. I’d try to find the link to the article and post it here, but I’m lazy.

  14. J.R. on April 6th, 2005 8:40 am

    What!?! The Mariners Moose is not real!!

    This changes everything!

  15. Steve on April 6th, 2005 8:45 am

    re #3: It was typical sordid Hollywood scene. I can’t even mention what went on between Natasha and the squirrel on the floating mountain during the upsydaisium series. That was the original lightness of being!

  16. Andrew Gall on April 6th, 2005 9:43 am

    thanks for the CF seat updates, guys. much appreciated.

  17. Dave Paisley on April 6th, 2005 9:44 am

    What, nothing about Moose behavior molesting innocent fans?

  18. Steve Thornton on April 6th, 2005 10:05 am

    I did, however, see a real moose in Maine a few years back firing t-shirts out of a big gun. Weird.

  19. Aditya on April 6th, 2005 10:19 am

    i want to see a list of why Mike Mussina is not a real moose.

  20. John D. on April 6th, 2005 10:23 am

    Is this facetious, or is DEREK trying to become a pocket linter, trying to take our mind off the team–successfully, it seems? *
    Players like TY COBB and BABE RUTH must be turning over in their graves, and players like BILL MAZEROSKI and BOB GIBSON must be shaking their heads in dismay.
    (“Daddy, if we can’t go to the Zoo, can we at least go to the Baseball Game”?)
    *Of course, no one really wants to talk about the meltdown–even think about it–how we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory

  21. Mike on April 6th, 2005 10:39 am

    My fiancee sells tickets through Ticketmaster, and those centerfield seats are available for some of the bigger games (NYY, BOS). They were definitely there on Monday.

  22. Chris Colón on April 6th, 2005 10:43 am

    This non-sequitur by our boy Derek leads me to believe that he’s strayed from our local Washington-based microbrews. Say it ain’t so!

  23. Dave in Palo Alto on April 6th, 2005 10:54 am

    Come to think of it, Noose Haas didn’t even have antlers.

  24. cheapseats on April 6th, 2005 10:56 am

    Considering what roams around the stadium seems androgynous at times, it’s no wonder it isn’t in the Selkirk Mountains, or anywhere else mooseworthy. Sorry to bring up sexual proclivities, but someone had to do it.

  25. Jim Thomsen on April 6th, 2005 11:16 am

    One of my favorite old Mariner commercials was when Jamie Moyer comes home to the apartment (?) he and the MOose share, to find the Moose is a partying slob who has left the place a disaster zone. I remember about the twentieth time I saw that spot, that I spotted something in the scene where the Moose is sprawled out (presumably in a post-party coma) in the bathtub … a brassiere draped over the side of the tub. And honest to God, my first thought was “How can you remove a bra with hooves?” It was then that I first suspected something might be a tad askew …

  26. Mariner Moose on April 6th, 2005 11:19 am

    1. Yes I remember when Slider tore his ACL. He’s much better now. In fact, last Season I traveled to Cleve-berg to visit him on his birthday with the Pitts Parrot, and Gapper from Cinn.
    -Does anyone remember me breaking MY leg?

    2. Yes, the bleachers are gone. We only put them in when we are expecting a crowd large enough to require extra seating. This is Texas and it will be at the begining of the season… RELAX, you can drink as much beer there as you want. Just don’t get too rowdy or puke on my fur.

    3. I am not related to Bullwinkle. Yes… I see him at the conventions, and we are polite to each other, but we never talk. But I think he’s a little weird. I know, I know… this is the pot calling the kettle black, but come on!…. what is the deal with those gloves he wears? And that squirl is always “yap, yap, yap, yap” You can’t shut him up.

    4. I do not molest fans. I am merely “excessively amorous.” There is a difference. Besides, you have NO idea how many bruises I have below my fur from having my fanny pinched. You’re just jealous. When me and my other MLB mascots get together at the All Star game every year the motto is, “MOOSE, Chicks dig him, men want to be him”

    5. For the record: The plural of Moose is Moose. Fish, Salmon, Elk, etc… If I hear Meeses one more time I think I might just have to gore someone.

    6. Addressing the more srious allegations:
    I am not infested with parasites and I take great offense to that comment. It has taken a lot of training, exercise, yoga, and a good sharp file to round my antlers down to where they are now. If I didn’t ‘prune’ my antlers then everyone would be gored. And how would that look to all the little kids in the ballpark, watching the Mariner Moose reinact a scene from the running of the bulls in Pamplona? AS for your reasons # 4, 6, 7, and 8. Uhhh…. Errr… Hmm…. …… Well, HEY LOOK OVER THERE!!!

  27. DMZ on April 6th, 2005 11:21 am

    (jaw dropped, eyes wide)

  28. Mariner Moose on April 6th, 2005 11:23 am

    p.s. I can’t spell check. You try and type with these fuzzy hoves… uhhh.. hands….

    Oh I give up!

  29. DMZ on April 6th, 2005 11:55 am

    As I present this, I want to say that this story, which is entirely true, is also why I have a soft spot in my heart for the Moose. I mean, this is inspired and hilarious, and why I now give the Moose a sort of loving hard time.

    The original, true story of Moose molestation at the Kingdome.

  30. Xteve X on April 6th, 2005 12:01 pm

    Just be thankful they don’t have Ribbie and Roobarb …

  31. Jake Brake on April 6th, 2005 12:14 pm

    I took my then-4 year old son to his first game last season. He was absolutely riveted by the “baseball goat”.
    Almost sprayed my monitor with coffee on that one. Hilarious!

  32. Michael on April 6th, 2005 1:41 pm

    #29 – I can attest to the Moose’s, er, erotic encounter at the Kingdome. He tends to get frisky with young ladies as well, so it’s not all moose-on-man action.

    #21 – The CF temp bleachers definitely *weren’t* there on Monday, unless they were cleverly concealed with a papier-mache diorama of people standing and drinking beer.

  33. Dave in Palo Alto on April 6th, 2005 2:11 pm

    The Moose may not be genuine, but I once saw the San Diego Chicken lay an egg.


  34. David on April 6th, 2005 3:01 pm

    to the detailed #26, I thought moose in general had more rounded antlers, which therefore would not require pruning, whereas if the Seattle mascot was the Mariner Five-Point Buck, I think that mascot would definitely need antler pruning.

  35. Nate Bracy on April 6th, 2005 4:41 pm

    A few years back, probably the Moose’s second or third year, some buddies and I had the idea to breathe new life into his flagging popularity by introducing ‘The Hunter’ who would be an Elmer Fudd type antagonist. Then we realized that either some people might be overly concerned for the safety of the moose (it would all be scripted), or (which was more disturbing to me) that we would all have to watch the Moose escape serious injury and become more insufferable.

  36. James on April 6th, 2005 5:37 pm

    Mr. Nelson… but unlike Bullwinkle, unlike Mariner, doesn’t pull anything out of hats or hang out with flying squirrels… therefore Mariner definitely isn’t a moose.

  37. James on April 6th, 2005 5:38 pm

    ok… I’ll try that again. lol

    Mr. Nelson… but unlike Bullwinkle, Mariner doesn’t pull anything out of hats or hang out with flying squirrels… therefore Mariner definitely isn’t a moose.

  38. John D. on April 6th, 2005 6:44 pm

    How ’bout ‘dem TV commercials!

  39. Mariner Moose on April 7th, 2005 2:22 pm


    How can a “loving” hard time include words like “you suck?”

    You hurt my feelings.

    FYI> Since 2001 you’d be hard pressed to find the Moose perform any actions of the sort you descried.

    But on a more sympathetic Moose note:
    -Why do people find it funny to punch, hit, or kick the Moose?
    At least twice a year I get some crazy fan who OUT OF NOWHERE decides it would be fun to bonk me on the head? Do you humans bonk each other on the head that hard and then laugh about it? Last year I was on the main concorse waiting for my mark in the 7th inning stretch and to pick the Fan Of The Game. In two completely different attacks (back to back) I was kicked and then dragged to the ground by my antlers. 1st attacker kicked me square in the ‘tail’ area. It lifted me up off my fuzzy feet. A police officer just happened to witness this and he nabbed the attacker. Then IMMEDIATELY as the officer grabed the first one, a complete stranger to the first attacker grabbed me by my anter and pulled me to the ground. Another cop who was assisting the first officer with the other attack saw this and was shocked. He then grabbed this attacker and they where both ejected from the game. I did not press charges. When speaking with the officers after the game they reported that the reason BOTH men gave for attacking me was, “I was just having fun.”
    Are you kidding me? Fun?

    With Love,


  40. John Moltz on April 7th, 2005 3:40 pm

    Tragically, Mr. Met actually is a real guy.

    Poor sap. Born with a giant baseball-shaped head. At least he made the best out of it.

    I hope you’ll address Rhubarb in a future post. I don’t know why, but, while the Moose doesn’t bother me, Rhubarb scares the bejeezus out of me.

    And your Moose story made me wish I had a link to the video of the college football mascot humping the opposing team’s mascot during the half-time festivities. It was classic family entertainment.