Totally non-Mariners related, but since it was a day off, and the season hasn’t been roses and chocolates, I figure we could all use a laugh. And, honestly, this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. If you read Bill Simmons regularly on ESPN, you’ve probably heard of Paul Shirley, the white guy who sits on the bench for the Phoenix Suns and wrote some amazingly funny stuff during his run as a blogger during the regular season.
Well, I hadn’t realized that they brought him back for a playoff blog, so I was doing some catching up, reading through a few entries. And his entry on height had me rolling. Here’s a few of the highlights:
Most of my colleagues are quite tall. I am no exception at 6Ã¢â‚¬â„¢10Ã¢â‚¬Â. When in captivity, on the basketball court, I am able to easily forget the fact that my bones are stretched to an extraordinary length because I am surrounded by other members of the freak show. Not so when I am released into the wild. Then, I am forced to rememberÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ by stupid people.
First, letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s start with the obvious. Telling me I am really tall is not a great conversation starter. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like walking up to a well-endowed girl in a bar and telling her she has nice breasts Ã¢â‚¬â€ itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s, A) creepy, and B) obvious. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s heard it before. It is not a new tactic and is not going to lead to a conversation that ends well. The same (sort of) is true for me. The only possible response available to me is, Ã¢â‚¬Å“And youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re really smart.Ã¢â‚¬Â The encounter basically marks the asker as an idiot and me as a bastard.
These are all more tolerable, though, than the nearly-out-of-earshot comment. Oftentimes, when I walk by, I will hear whispers: Ã¢â‚¬Å“Wow, look how tall he is,Ã¢â‚¬Â or Ã¢â‚¬Å“That guy is really tall.Ã¢â‚¬Â ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s as if, by being tall, I was not blessed with fully functional ears. Were these people not taught how to use their inner monologues? Yes, I am quite tall, but I know that. Any observation to that effect by others should be kept on the inside, unless the participants are willing to bear the consequences. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t go around saying everything that is on my mind, but I could. If I did, the airways would be full of, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, now that guy is an example of why they made abortion legal,Ã¢â‚¬Â and, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Why, exactly, were those two people allowed to procreate?Ã¢â‚¬Â I think we are all better off with my silence so, no more height questions.
You have to read the whole thing.