Griffey v. Griffey

Jeff · June 21, 2005 at 9:16 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Concerned that modern ballplayers are cold, unfeeling automatons? Vexed that your All-Star votes are going to these unreachable, unappreciative subjects? Then turn your attention and critical thinking skills toward something that is actually, by its very nature, incapable of feelings — the modern stadium giveaway statue.

On May 24, our own Peter White braved the perilous Kentucky-Ohio border to score a Ken Griffey Jr. bobble-head in a Cincinnati uniform — a piece we’ll refer to as “Reds Griffey”. Tonight, the M’s will give away “Teal Griffey,” third in the “1995 commemorative statues” series.

With these two giveaways occuring in the same season, how could we at USS Mariner Labs not host a classic confrontation between these two diminutive powerhouses?

Maybe a top-ten tale of the tape will help fans on the fence decide whether or not to brave Safeco Field tonight to pick up Teal Griffey. Maybe we’ll help fuel the Internet economy with a rush in consumer spending. And maybe the following will contribute in some small way to peace, leave and understanding.

But probably not.

After the jump are 10 reasons to prefer each statue over the other. With pictures. See the photos, judge for yourself, and feel free to contribute your own evaluations in the comments.

TEAL GRIFFEY: “Dad! I slid and reached for the sky without pulling anything!”
Teal Griffey

The Top Ten Reasons Teal Griffey is Better Than Reds Griffey

10. Can’t handle Reds Griffey too roughly — it breaks easily
9. Arm position of Teal Griffey makes “Sure” deodorant product placement a natural fit for money-grubbing ownership
8. Comes with authentic smile, youthful vigor
7. Real-life counterpart actually helped the Mariners win, unlike Reds Griffey
6. Teal Griffey winning eBay war easily, even before official release*
5. M’s will probably actually give away all 25,000 of these, while Reds had 40,000 available for a game 36,539 attended … ouch
4. ’95 Griffey would never cheerfully submit to hegemony of Marge Schott
3. Reds Griffey still disgruntled over having his miniature massage chair revoked … may be chemistry problem for others in doll collection
2. Unlike Reds Griffey, does not get manager fired

And the number one reason Teal Griffey is better than Reds Griffey …

1. Would you really rather think about the 2005 Reds or the 1995 Mariners? Honestly.

[* A set of the three ’95 statues is going for $75 for an average of $25 per, and the ’95 Buhner statue is going for more than Reds Griffey, which is selling for around $10.]

REDS GRIFFEY: “I’ve appeared at just 36 fewer home games than Real Griffey!”
Reds Griffey

The Top Ten Reasons Reds Griffey is Better Than Teal Griffey

10. Reds Griffey looks — let’s be real — roughly 7.5 times as cool as Teal Griffey
9. Bobble-head can bop along to “Don’t Stop Believin'” … teal statue looks like it’s doing a Double Funky Chicken
8. Comes with Marty Brenneman Bobble-head, which keeps yelling at it to hustle
7. Real-life counterpart got the Mariners four years of Mike Cameron
6. Will give you a “hometown bobble-head discount” to stay in your collection … or will tell you so, anyway
5. Is wearing colors actually found in nature
4. Does not demand to be traded to one particular team, then deny it
3. Would make a great gift for A-Rod’s therapist
2. Reds Griffey’s ceramic hamstrings can’t tear — but groin comes pre-pulled

And the number one reason Reds Griffey is better than Teal Griffey …

1. Reminds you every day: the Reds are worse than the Mariners.


19 Responses to “Griffey v. Griffey”

  1. Shoeless Jose on June 21st, 2005 2:24 pm

    Am I losing my mind, or is 2005 Griffey better than 1995 Griffey in a lot of stats, and in almost the exact same number of at-bats?

  2. Shoeless Jose on June 21st, 2005 2:25 pm

    1995 Sea 260 52 67 7 0 17 42 52 53 .258 .379 .481 .860
    2005 Cin 256 36 70 18 0 12 46 25 54 .273 .337 .484 .821

  3. Shoeless Jose on June 21st, 2005 2:27 pm

    Hmmm, what tags does WordPress accept to put text into a fixed-width font?

  4. paul on June 21st, 2005 3:30 pm

    I’d love to see a Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Griffey fight between the two – on the surface, it looks to be no contest because Teal Griffey’s already in full arms-up-I-surrender mode, but he’s got The Spirit Of ’95 (copyright Seattle Mariners Marketing) behind him, and Reds Griffey, while bigger and more fearsome (and more bobble-y) has no massage chair to make him feel better. So it’s not as one-sided as it may look.

  5. IgnatiusReilly on June 21st, 2005 3:37 pm

    Griffey practicing to be a football ref. What an awful pose.

  6. Steve on June 21st, 2005 4:17 pm

    The confrontation could be described ever so much better in Legovision®.

  7. Steve on June 21st, 2005 4:19 pm

    The confrontation could be described ever so much better in Legovision®.

    (sorry for the double post – couldn’t get the link to work.)

  8. Jeff on June 21st, 2005 4:58 pm

    Much as I admire Batgirl, I am fundamentally opposed to gimmick theft. You always end up like the WWF when they brought in the fake Diesel and the fake Razor Ramon.

  9. wabbles on June 21st, 2005 5:05 pm

    Shoeless Joe,
    Yes, you are losing your mind. Nothing compares to Griffey’s triumphant return on Aug. 24, 1995 and what ensued. We’ve been around and around on clutch hitting and such, but at that time at least he made the whole greater than the sum of its parts.

  10. msb on June 21st, 2005 5:54 pm

    man, I wish they’d pick a different company to do their tschotchkes. These statues are just so bad– not so bad as the Edgar one a year or so back, where he was wearing the lovely shade of pink lipstick, but…

  11. Mariners_are_sucking on June 21st, 2005 6:42 pm

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of these statues given away to resemble the player. Edgar’s statue was so bad, and now this.

    Man, I’d never seen the Reds Bobble Head, but wow. It looks definitely 7.5 times more cooler, and it actually looks like the player.

    The Mariners gotta stop being cheap or whatever they are with these manufacturers, and find a manufacturer that can make a statue that looks like the player, or at least get a statue that looks at least descent. Real crappy statues in my view.

  12. Jeremy on June 21st, 2005 6:51 pm

    If your name isn’t Ichiro, you’re not getting a bobblehead.

    That’s not a knock against Ichiro. But I’m not kidding you when I say that. I mean, let’s look at Edgar. They gave Edgar a piggy bank.

    A piggy bank.

    Oh, and let’s not forget the Edgar Bear.

  13. matthew on June 21st, 2005 6:52 pm

    or the duck.

  14. Morgan on June 21st, 2005 6:54 pm

    Augh, I’d finally managed to repress the Edgar Bear from my memory.

    You’ll be hearing from my sleep therapist, Jeremy.

  15. Jeremy on June 21st, 2005 6:59 pm

    Hey, the Edgar Bear bothers me too.

    Maybe there could be a substitute phrase for “Edgar Bear”, similar to “Doyle”.

    How about “Scary piece of crap”?

  16. Paul Molitor Cocktail on June 21st, 2005 9:41 pm

    Re: tschotchkes.

    The Onion said it best:

  17. Tom on June 22nd, 2005 12:02 am

    Edgar Bear?

    I hear this year they are coming out with an Edgar Tiger.

    Called the Ti-Gar

    So yes, the fun just doesn’t stop with these giveaways even when he’s retired.

    By the way, I do have that Edgar statue they gave away in 2003, the ones they made this year look pretty good compared to that.

    Not great, but pretty good to OK.

  18. Mustard on June 22nd, 2005 8:32 am

    Does anyone hav a pic of the Edgar bobble?

  19. Grizz on June 22nd, 2005 1:16 pm

    August 16: “Wal-Mart & Children’s Hospital ‘Ti-Gar’ Night. Here’s one to add to your Edgar collection… All kids 14 and under will receive an Edgar Martinez ‘Ti-Gar’ doll, featuring the baseball’s all-time best DH as a tiger.”

    Coming in 2006: Outback Steakhouse presents “EdgaRoo” Night, complete with Little Joey Cora in the pouch.