Griffey v. Griffey
Concerned that modern ballplayers are cold, unfeeling automatons? Vexed that your All-Star votes are going to these unreachable, unappreciative subjects? Then turn your attention and critical thinking skills toward something that is actually, by its very nature, incapable of feelings — the modern stadium giveaway statue.
On May 24, our own Peter White braved the perilous Kentucky-Ohio border to score a Ken Griffey Jr. bobble-head in a Cincinnati uniform — a piece we’ll refer to as “Reds Griffey”. Tonight, the M’s will give away “Teal Griffey,” third in the “1995 commemorative statues” series.
With these two giveaways occuring in the same season, how could we at USS Mariner Labs not host a classic confrontation between these two diminutive powerhouses?
Maybe a top-ten tale of the tape will help fans on the fence decide whether or not to brave Safeco Field tonight to pick up Teal Griffey. Maybe we’ll help fuel the Internet economy with a rush in consumer spending. And maybe the following will contribute in some small way to peace, leave and understanding.
But probably not.
After the jump are 10 reasons to prefer each statue over the other. With pictures. See the photos, judge for yourself, and feel free to contribute your own evaluations in the comments.
TEAL GRIFFEY: “Dad! I slid and reached for the sky without pulling anything!”
The Top Ten Reasons Teal Griffey is Better Than Reds Griffey
10. Can’t handle Reds Griffey too roughly — it breaks easily
9. Arm position of Teal Griffey makes “Sure” deodorant product placement a natural fit for money-grubbing ownership
8. Comes with authentic smile, youthful vigor
7. Real-life counterpart actually helped the Mariners win, unlike Reds Griffey
6. Teal Griffey winning eBay war easily, even before official release*
5. M’s will probably actually give away all 25,000 of these, while Reds had 40,000 available for a game 36,539 attended … ouch
4. ’95 Griffey would never cheerfully submit to hegemony of Marge Schott
3. Reds Griffey still disgruntled over having his miniature massage chair revoked … may be chemistry problem for others in doll collection
2. Unlike Reds Griffey, does not get manager fired
And the number one reason Teal Griffey is better than Reds Griffey …
1. Would you really rather think about the 2005 Reds or the 1995 Mariners? Honestly.
[* A set of the three ’95 statues is going for $75 for an average of $25 per, and the ’95 Buhner statue is going for more than Reds Griffey, which is selling for around $10.]
REDS GRIFFEY: “I’ve appeared at just 36 fewer home games than Real Griffey!”
The Top Ten Reasons Reds Griffey is Better Than Teal Griffey
10. Reds Griffey looks — let’s be real — roughly 7.5 times as cool as Teal Griffey
9. Bobble-head can bop along to “Don’t Stop Believin'” … teal statue looks like it’s doing a Double Funky Chicken
8. Comes with Marty Brenneman Bobble-head, which keeps yelling at it to hustle
7. Real-life counterpart got the Mariners four years of Mike Cameron
6. Will give you a “hometown bobble-head discount” to stay in your collection … or will tell you so, anyway
5. Is wearing colors actually found in nature
4. Does not demand to be traded to one particular team, then deny it
3. Would make a great gift for A-Rod’s therapist
2. Reds Griffey’s ceramic hamstrings can’t tear — but groin comes pre-pulled
And the number one reason Reds Griffey is better than Teal Griffey …
1. Reminds you every day: the Reds are worse than the Mariners.