Secret Revealed

Dave · June 25, 2005 at 9:25 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Nobody has generated as much talk on the blog lately as one Michael Morse, who is something like 142 for his last 50, and is leading the league in every major category known to man. Okay, slight exaggeration, but the guy’s been on fire ever since the M’s called him up, and people are climbing all over each other to get on the Mike Morse bandwagon.

Well, this morning, the secret of Mike Morse’s hitting abilities was faxed over to USSM headquarters. After confirming its legitimacy with three sources, I’ve decided to publish the document that reveals why Mike Morse has been able to keep his Ted Williams impression going for several weeks.

Remember, this is a USSM exclusive:

Dear Willie Mike,

Thank you for contacting Satan Enterprises LLC. We have reviewed your file and feel that you are a perfect fit for our newest promotion. As a recent graduate of the minor leagues with a less than stellar performance record, it appears that you could use a hand–or perhaps, a spirit–in making your dream of becoming the next Alex Rodriguez come true. After all, by the time he was your age, he had 120 major league home runs and had been a three time all-star. You, not so much. But we feel that you’ve got things we can work with; you’re tall, you are from Florida, and you play shortstop. Well, that’s what the program says, anyways. With a little help from the Dark One, we feel you could become something special.

Sound exciting? This offer is tailor made just for you. If you respond in the next 24 hours, we’ll even slash our price in half. That’s right, you can become a major league superstar for the low, low, low price of one soul-and yes, it has to be yours-and a 2 year agreement to conduct rituals (that are described in the attached pamphlet) on a weekly basis. That’s it! You want to become M-Mor? We will make it happen, and really, you won’t miss your soul at all. It just gets in the way of superstardom anyways.

We look forward to hearing from you. You can call Hades at 1-900-Go-Satan twenty-four hours a day. Or, if you’d prefer, simply fill out the form below and place it under your pillow this evening. We’ll send a representative-and please, don’t refer to them as ghouls, as they have feelings too-to pick it up and save you the cost of a stamp.

All the best,


[ ] Yes, I want to hear more. Please send me an informational video.
[ ] No thanks, I’m happy with my mediocre baseball skills. I’ll be a role player and like it.
[X] I want to be a superstar! I’ve already built my altar and want to sign up.

Michael Morse (sign here)


24 Responses to “Secret Revealed”

  1. Ty on June 25th, 2005 9:32 am

    It’s even better than steroids! Plus, I doubt the league tests for people who sell their soul to Satan.

  2. JMB on June 25th, 2005 9:45 am

    Yeah, so far they’ve been unable to develop a test for the so-called “designer demons.”


  3. STG on June 25th, 2005 9:49 am

    So, how does the contract with Satan factor in with PECOTA and win/ shares?

  4. DMZ on June 25th, 2005 9:50 am

    On the other side of the argument: if you struck a bargain with the Lord of Flies, you’d expect to see a little of that in the performance, while Morse is running a 1:1 ground:fly ratio so far.

  5. Ivan on June 25th, 2005 9:51 am

    Ha ha. But seriously, now. Look at him hit. He stays on his back foot, He doesn’t lunge. The mechanics of his swing are pretty good. He appears to keep his head still and not pull it off the ball.

    He takes pitches on the outside corner that I would have expected him to hack at, and they are called balls. It looks like he doesn’t mind taking a walk. He appears to see the fastball well, although Ryan Glynn fooled him on two down the middle that he let go by. But hell, he took on Billy Wagner and took his fastball right up the middle for a hit.

    He hits the ball where it is pitched, and appears eager to do so. And few of his hits are of the squib variety.

    So what next? What do the pitchers do to adjust to Mike, and what does Mike do to adapt? I look for him to get a lot of slop early in the count, and that he will be pounded inside with fastballs. Clearly they do not want to throw him a fastball out over the plate. I haven’t seen pitchers try to work him “down the ladder” a lot either.

    I’m also wondering, once he comes back to earth, what the pattern of his outs might be, as in where the pitchers might induce him to hit the ball where it might do the least damage — the “comfortable outs.”

    If he continues to hit, I’m wondering if, with his arm and range, if he might not be better suited for LF than SS, where he might platoon with Snelling or Choo, or as a DH once Betancourt and/or Cabrera arrive.

    The thing that baffles me the most about Morse is how fundamentally sound he appears to be as a hitter, and how relaxed he is at the plate. Let’s be honest with ourselves: None of us saw this coming, or even imagined it.

    He has to have a weakness or two. What do people think it might be?

  6. Rusty on June 25th, 2005 10:09 am

    How come the Devil Rays aren’t any good? You’d think Satan would be all over that team. Then again, Mike Shesheski and the Duke Blue Devils seem to have had a pretty good stream of talent from contracts with the Underworld. Maybe all those players have contractual obligations to play at Duke for 4 years. Perhaps that’s why they rarely jump to the NBA early.

  7. Steve Thornton on June 25th, 2005 10:20 am

    Hey, it’s not MY soul. I think it’s a fair trade.

  8. Pilots fan on June 25th, 2005 10:53 am

    69 AB’s in 22 games. The sample size is rising, but granted it is not enough yet to draw long term conclusions. However, many of his outs that I have seen are line drive outs. When a guy’s in a slump we usually look to that as a good sign that he is about to come out of it. Let’s give Morse some credit for the other side of his .406 BA too.

    DMZ, what does the 1:1 ground/fly ratio indicate to you? Which side of the ratio would we want him to be on and what would that indicate?

  9. Dave on June 25th, 2005 11:11 am

    His G/F rate indicates nothing, really. There are great hitters who hit a ton of flyballs and great hitters who hit a ton of groundballs.

    If Morse hasn’t cooled off significantly in a week, I’ll do a real post breaking down his swing, his numbers, and what we think his future will look like.

  10. Rob Salkowitz on June 25th, 2005 12:20 pm

    I agree with Ivan. Maybe Moore’s awfully lucky right now (or Dark Forces are at play), but it looks to me like he’s making a lot of his own luck. In addition to his solid-looking mechanics at the plate, he seems to me to be doing a very good job thinking along with the pitcher. He’s not fooled an awful lot. You don’t get around on a 101-mph fastball without having a pretty good plan at the plate. There may be a limit to what he can do, talent wise, but if he has a good head for the game and the ability to learn and adapt, he may end up having more value than some people here give him credit for.

  11. David J Corcoran on June 25th, 2005 12:30 pm

    So did USSM have to sell its soul to the devil to obtain a copy of this?

  12. DMZ on June 25th, 2005 12:33 pm

    I can’t anyone took that seriously: my point was to make a terrible pun, nothing more.

    LORD OF THE FLIES. FLIES. Ground:fly ratio.

    Never mind.

  13. G-Man on June 25th, 2005 12:38 pm

    Remember his 1 or 2 mysterious suspnsion(s) that were never explained? They caught him cutting the deal with The Devil, but they couldn’t find a specific rule against it. Bud played the Commissioner’s hole card, the “Best Interests of Baseball”, and the union didn’t want to tangle with Satan. Really.

    Mike has just gotten past the Voros’ Law point (anything can happen in 60 AB’s), so I’ll be watching the next couple weeks with interest. In any case, I figure that every game that he keeps this up makes his long term prognosis look a tiny bit better.

  14. Paul Molitor Cocktail on June 25th, 2005 1:05 pm

    The best way to ensure Morse’s success as a major league player is to trade him for an overrated reliever.

  15. Steve Thornton on June 25th, 2005 1:07 pm

    So who can explain why EVERY SINGLE DAY ESPN starts over with a brand-new “M. Morse” playing for us, in his first game, while continuing to maintain the presence of the cumulative “M. Morse” as an available player on the bench? Every day, it’s a new guy — yesterday he had a career line of 3 for 3 — but every day the guy on the bench is updated through yesterday’s stats.

    I think it’s diabolical. I mean, I’d believe that Morse could hit like this, but not twenty-two consecutive guys named Morse. And no picture. This isn’t Lord of the Flies; it’s a bizarre cross between “The Picture of Dorian Gray”, “Faust”, and “Sybil”.

  16. Chief on June 25th, 2005 1:20 pm

    OT: Jeff Cirillo was HBP last night against Minnesota. He has a broken bone in his left hand – out four to six weeks.

  17. Steve on June 25th, 2005 2:57 pm

    He has a deal with Satan?? Wouldn’t that also include making Boras his agent?

  18. Tom on June 25th, 2005 4:18 pm

    “Please send an informational video”

    ROTFLMAO !!!

  19. Griff on June 25th, 2005 5:18 pm

    Okay, I was thinking about this this morning, and I remembered the suspensions from last year. I know that you guys alluded to knowing the details behind them, although they never got posted. I’m not saying that you should post it or anything, but how about a yes/no on whether whatever those suspensions concerned could have anything to do with this current streak.

    I mean, if we’re talking “Pact with Satan” here, which means nobody really has any idea, it seems like that might be a little less of a stretch to think that there might be a corrolation.

  20. Pilots fan on June 25th, 2005 5:49 pm

    LOL! Got me on the G/F ratio. I bought it hook, line & sinker. At least we’re long past the days when the M’s had a pitchfork … er, trident … on their caps.

  21. johnb on June 26th, 2005 12:22 am

    Why don’t you just admit that you, just like us, don’t have a clue why Michael Morse is out performing every rookie in Major League baseball. It must really frustrate all the statheads out there that this guy continues to defy the odds.

  22. adam on June 26th, 2005 1:53 am


    Yes, I’m sure they are slamming their desks in fury.

    “Why don’t you just admit that you, just like us, don’t have a clue why Michael Morse is out performing every rookie in Major League baseball.”

    What the hell do you think this post was about?

  23. wabbles on June 26th, 2005 10:34 am

    Is there any truth to the rumor that Cirillo and Spiezio tried to cut similar deals and were told, “Sorry, not even I can help you.”?

  24. Imaginary Mark on June 26th, 2005 11:10 am

    I called the number and it turned out to be some sort of weird religious sex line. They laughed when I asked to be put through to Satan. I think they only let certain pre-approved people talk to him.