Nobody has generated as much talk on the blog lately as one Michael Morse, who is something like 142 for his last 50, and is leading the league in every major category known to man. Okay, slight exaggeration, but the guy’s been on fire ever since the M’s called him up, and people are climbing all over each other to get on the Mike Morse bandwagon.
Well, this morning, the secret of Mike Morse’s hitting abilities was faxed over to USSM headquarters. After confirming its legitimacy with three sources, I’ve decided to publish the document that reveals why Mike Morse has been able to keep his Ted Williams impression going for several weeks.
Remember, this is a USSM exclusive:
Thank you for contacting Satan Enterprises LLC. We have reviewed your file and feel that you are a perfect fit for our newest promotion. As a recent graduate of the minor leagues with a less than stellar performance record, it appears that you could use a hand–or perhaps, a spirit–in making your dream of becoming the next Alex Rodriguez come true. After all, by the time he was your age, he had 120 major league home runs and had been a three time all-star. You, not so much. But we feel that you’ve got things we can work with; you’re tall, you are from Florida, and you play shortstop. Well, that’s what the program says, anyways. With a little help from the Dark One, we feel you could become something special.
Sound exciting? This offer is tailor made just for you. If you respond in the next 24 hours, we’ll even slash our price in half. That’s right, you can become a major league superstar for the low, low, low price of one soul-and yes, it has to be yours-and a 2 year agreement to conduct rituals (that are described in the attached pamphlet) on a weekly basis. That’s it! You want to become M-Mor? We will make it happen, and really, you won’t miss your soul at all. It just gets in the way of superstardom anyways.
We look forward to hearing from you. You can call Hades at 1-900-Go-Satan twenty-four hours a day. Or, if you’d prefer, simply fill out the form below and place it under your pillow this evening. We’ll send a representative-and please, don’t refer to them as ghouls, as they have feelings too-to pick it up and save you the cost of a stamp.
All the best,
[ ] Yes, I want to hear more. Please send me an informational video.
[ ] No thanks, I’m happy with my mediocre baseball skills. I’ll be a role player and like it.
[X] I want to be a superstar! I’ve already built my altar and want to sign up.
Michael Morse (sign here)