Why are you at the ballpark?

DMZ · July 23, 2005 at 11:00 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

An informal* survey of fans** attending Mariner home games***

  • Related to, or former neighbors of, Willy Bloomquist
  • New higher beer prices have created a more family-friendly atmosphere
  • Just because
  • Broken-hearted metal fans jonesing for dose of Spiezio after Sandfrog CD stolen out of their classic red Z28 IROC Camero
  • Japanese Ichiro fans who booked unrefundable vacations before season
  • Love the music
  • Health department inspectors forced to pay for tickets before they can investigate food poisoning cases
  • Masochists enjoying the hard plastic seats
  • UW Greek community has been too drunk since 2001 to check standings, keeps coming out for the beer garden
  • Guys: chicks dig hardcore fans
  • Chicks: Hardcore guy fans demonstrate loyalty and are better long-term mates than bandwagon fans
  • Doctor prescribed regular Mariner viewing, in person if possible, for manic problems
  • Doctor prescribed regular Mariner viewing, in person if possible, for insomnia problems
  • Searching for the essence of Raul Ibanez as part of preparation to carve his image into Mt. Rushmore
  • Uncool kids studying Ichiro for tips on cultivating cool image without taking up smoking
  • Received urgent email from foreign national eager to move money out of home country and split it with attendee — brought $20,000 in “fees” to help the transaction along
  • Parasites from ballpark sushi controlling actions and wanted to visit relatives
  • Promised full frontal nudity
  • Released bug bomb in house, needed to kill a few hours
  • Boone’s abscence makes families feel more secure about bringing their attractive daughters
  • Dave Henderson convinced them it’s not about winning or losing, but instead seeing something interesting at the park every day.
  • Fans of angst
  • Kind of like Quidditch, except the rules make sense
  • There to put the team down in humane manner
  • Mariners holding beloved relative hostage
  • More attracted to losing teams — easier to identify with
  • Obeying hidden messages in Bjork songs
  • Died, in purgatory
  • Members of Dave Hansen Hussars, the fanatical militaristic fan club that follows the pinch-hitter everywhere, and look to his professional hitting as an inspiration in their own lives
  • Members of Hussies for Hansen, women (and men) of free sexual moral standards, who follow the pinch-hitter everywhere, holding celebrations of debauchery that cause Bacchus to blush and look away
  • They’ve been given the standard sub-standard training and are waiting for their scheduled post-game match on the game grid
  • Can’t get enough of that video lecturing you not to touch balls in play
  • Decreased attendence means more chances to touch balls in play
  • One of these nights it’s going to be Bollywood night
  • Strange, irresistable desire to be closer to producer/engineer Kevin Cremin
  • Ticket prices are the same, so the product must be just as good

* and by ‘informal’ we mean “no questions were asked of anyone, or answers recorded, and we weren’t even around Safeco Field when we wrote this”
** we’re fans, right?
*** this part totally, totally false
one of those by Jeff Shaw


49 Responses to “Why are you at the ballpark?”

  1. j on July 23rd, 2005 11:23 pm

    Fan optioned to Tacoma but paperwork not filed with league.

  2. Colm on July 23rd, 2005 11:31 pm

    I love the Hussies For Hansen idea. What a wonderful thought.

  3. Vin on July 23rd, 2005 11:35 pm

    * Thought Dave Hansen would bring his brothers along, possibly see fight

  4. Zach in Spokane on July 23rd, 2005 11:38 pm

    That was hilarious. Is “Hussies for Hanson” the one Jeff contributed? Smells like his brand of references-for-scholarly-types humor.

  5. Scott on July 23rd, 2005 11:39 pm

    Spacious upperdeck, great place to read latest Astonishing X-Men

  6. DMZ on July 23rd, 2005 11:41 pm

    * Thought Dave Hansen would bring his brothers along, possibly see fight

    Or a concert. Though Hansen’s changed a lot since they all matured.

  7. Gunga on July 23rd, 2005 11:49 pm

    Rare opportunity to bring friend to ballpark and hear General Manager confirm that season is lost in order to win bet. Already mentally spending the money…

  8. Bobby on July 23rd, 2005 11:52 pm

    Because the Aquasox are on the road this week.

  9. dw on July 24th, 2005 12:16 am

    Because M’s baseball was better before they drafted that Griffey kid.

  10. Kelly M on July 24th, 2005 12:20 am

    Practicing my superpower ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Particularly useful way to escape boredom on planes, to stop the banality at a Phil Collins or Dave Matthews concert, and to avoid watching Bloomquist and Olivo go through their “at bats.”

    Also, being at the game frees me from listening to the game on the radio, which keeps me from hearing Dave Niehaus call every deep fly ball as if it is going out the yard. “Swung on and BELTED . . . and caught by Reed drifting to the warning track.”

  11. mln on July 24th, 2005 12:24 am

    There is one and only one reason to watch the Mariners: Willie friggin’ Bloomquist!

  12. eponymous coward on July 24th, 2005 12:41 am

    You missed one:

    “Reminds season ticket holder of the 80’s”

  13. Shawn S on July 24th, 2005 12:42 am

    To tell Scott Speizio to wipe that ridiculous grin off his damn face. And to watch Randy Winn play every freakin day while Doyle is restricted to limited pinch-hitting?!

  14. Steve on July 24th, 2005 12:59 am

    joined office pool for hydro race. I got purple, and I had to see if I won.

  15. aaron c. on July 24th, 2005 2:11 am

    Wanted to see my misinformed theories about steroid use proven to be true.

    Regularly read Mistress Mitesse’s column in the Stranger.

    Gil Meche is *dreamy*.

    Girlfriend just accquired Buffy, Vamoire Slayer, seasons 2-5 on DVD; can’r bring yourself to comitting suicide.

    Live in Belltown; excited about cheap beer prices.

    I paid for that stadium, and dammit, I’m usin’ it.

  16. John S on July 24th, 2005 7:02 am

    [deleted — see comment guidelines]

  17. Paul Molitor Cocktail on July 24th, 2005 7:51 am

    Foolishly placed entire Ms roster on fantasy baseball league

  18. dan7 on July 24th, 2005 8:17 am

    …..because Portland doesn’t have Major League Baseball (yet).

  19. Girl Voice on July 24th, 2005 8:20 am

    Rauuuuuuul is dreamy.
    Jeremy has a cute butt-wiggle when he’s running hard, such a scrapper.
    Training the binoculors on the dugout trying desperately to catch a glimpse of that firebrand Bobby….
    Waiting for Boston to bring Johnny Damon back to town *swoon*
    Can’t wait for “Knitting Night”! 😀

  20. drjeff on July 24th, 2005 8:38 am

    Spends game in anticipation of “dancing groundskeepers.”

    Checking to see if Guardado truly used every day, prepared to demand refund.

    What a wonderful post. Thanks for the laugh!!!

  21. Todd on July 24th, 2005 8:44 am

    Definitely Bollywood night. The M’s should do a “Lagaan” thing, and if they win, all in attendance would be exempt from Washinton state sales tax.

  22. Jean-luc Perrier on July 24th, 2005 8:59 am

    I like sharing a urinal with 10 other men…..

  23. Laurie on July 24th, 2005 9:04 am

    Wow – I didn’t think there was a chance you’d have MY real reason on your list, but sure enough, there it was:

    “Strange, irresistable desire to be closer to producer/engineer Kevin Cremin”

    I thought I was the only one.

  24. Ty on July 24th, 2005 9:13 am

    To listen to the cowboy music when Raul Ibanez comes up and letting everyone know he isn’t a cowboy. And…

    Destroying the reputation of “classy” Mariners fans.

  25. Feldor on July 24th, 2005 10:17 am

    Increased likelihood of getting on closed circuit television if I stand up and dance to catchy, between-inning tunes.

  26. David J Corcoran on July 24th, 2005 10:20 am

    Connecting planes through Seattle on way back to Idaho, 10 hour layover, free tickets, nothing better to do.

  27. Corey on July 24th, 2005 10:23 am

    Because the Indians are in town (next weekend).

  28. Feldor on July 24th, 2005 10:30 am

    Love that Mariner Moose!

  29. troy on July 24th, 2005 10:41 am

    Tabloid photographer seeking big break with shot of elusive Evil Rick Rizzs.

  30. TeacherRefPoet on July 24th, 2005 10:48 am

    Hoping Mozarts Violin Concerto #3 will be the music quiz; impress everyone when I identify the song on time. Blow everyone away when I get the year, 1775.

  31. TeacherRefPoet on July 24th, 2005 10:49 am

    Sorry about that missing apostrophe. My bad.

  32. troy on July 24th, 2005 10:49 am

    Looking for people willing to sell their Edgar Bear to add to my collection.
    Following losing team helping WSU alums relive college years.
    Two words: Big Sexy.
    Most visible place to carry on “Trade for Ryan Howard” campaign.
    Had to get away from constant Yankees games on TV.
    Love the sound of train whistles.
    Wanted to give Randy Winn a proper goodbye.

  33. msb on July 24th, 2005 10:51 am

    hoping to catch a glimpse of Art Foonman, why else?

  34. Dave in Palo Alto on July 24th, 2005 10:56 am

    Member of Hussars for Hansen. Gallop onto field in raucous celebration of opposite field single.

  35. Dave in Palo Alto on July 24th, 2005 10:57 am

    Ugh, my bad, joke done. [hides under rock]

  36. Paul Molitor Cocktail on July 24th, 2005 11:00 am

    “Bucky Backer” waiting to see if he shows up in the dugout

  37. troy on July 24th, 2005 11:03 am

    Older Woman For Omar too senile to realize he was dealt over a decade ago.

  38. Matt Staples on July 24th, 2005 12:03 pm

    I attend because it is the only way I can get access to Beltre to scream “DON’T SWING AT THAT LOW AND OUTSIDE GARBAGE ANYMORE! DOES SOMEONE NEED TO HURT YOUR HEEL AGAIN TO FIX YOUR APPROACH?” I feel that I must do this because Don “you can’t hit a home run when you take a walk” Baylor appears incapable of doing so.

  39. Deanna on July 24th, 2005 12:24 pm

    I still don’t see how people can call “Werewolves of London” country music, given that Jeff Nelson comes out to “Chattahoochee” (and the sad part is, the latter song is growing on me).

    I dunno, I lived in Philly in the late 80’s and we had season tickets then too, and in Pittsburgh in the late 90’s… My family is genetically disposed towards rooting for baseball teams that suck, I think.

  40. Vin on July 24th, 2005 12:34 pm

    #15 dont diss Buffy, its an excellent show.

    In losing seasons, all teams should be required to hire Mike Veeck.

  41. Gomez on July 24th, 2005 2:16 pm

    39. Maybe your family has an aura that promotes losing in baseball players. That said, relocate to Anaheim, Oakland and Arlington, please.

  42. Jim W on July 24th, 2005 4:44 pm

    Because it is “The Most Beautiful Park… In All Of Baseball”.

  43. Dan R on July 24th, 2005 5:37 pm

    fun fact about some Mariner tours run by Japanese tour companies:

    one I saw included airfare, hotel, and game tickets. Shuttle to and from the airport? Not included, but yours for an extra $100. Shuttle to and from the game? Not included, but again, available for another $100. The real kicker though was that, in the travel literature, it stated that the game shuttle would leave after the ninth inning, regardless of IF THE GAME WAS OVER OR NOT.

  44. James T on July 24th, 2005 6:45 pm

    Local college students conducting research for freshman level Econ paper investigating the worst contracts ever, Columbia House Record and Tape Club or Adrian Beltre.

  45. James T on July 24th, 2005 6:48 pm

    Because if you don’t go to Safeco when the team’s horrible, then the terrorists have won.

  46. BD on July 24th, 2005 8:26 pm

    To see if Rick the Peanut Guy is still alive…

  47. Spike on July 24th, 2005 9:37 pm

    One of these days that guy with all the mooses (meese?) hanging from him is going to have a sale. I dibs the ones on his left arm.

  48. DMZ on July 24th, 2005 11:03 pm

    Local college students conducting research for freshman level Econ paper investigating the worst contracts ever, Columbia House Record and Tape Club or Adrian Beltre.

    Why does everyone have to take cheap shots like this every chance they get? Seriously, we could name a dozen far worse contracts even if Beltre hits like this for the rest of the term.

  49. goodbye baseball on July 24th, 2005 11:31 pm


    Here’s a few reasons of my own:

    1. To see Mariner fans butcher the spelling of Rizzs’ name, just like at last Saturday’s game, followed by Evil Rick’s reaction on the scoreboard.

    2. To avoid pre- and post-game shows with Matt Morrison.

    3. Because Bite of Seattle and Bumbershoot festivals don’t happen more than once per year.

    4. Football season hasn’t started yet.

    5. Something has to get me out of Ellensburg when the temperature hits 100 in the summer.