Evil Rick Rizzs on housecleaning
A half-dozen teams are dead in the water, and the M’s are one of them. Brutal housecleaning ensues. Who better to comment on these matters than the paragon of all things vicious, Evil Rick Rizzs?
As you may remember, I met Evil Rick — bizarro version of the Mariners’ affable broadcaster — a few months back. He did a guest post for the site then, so when I found him setting copies of “Real Change” on fire in an alley yesterday, I asked if he’d do another.
“Sure, Jerry,” he said, inhaling the smoke and letting it flow from his nostrils. “But what’s in it for me?”
I had to slow-play my hand. Telling him it would make readers happy would only discourage this denizen of the nether regions from complying. Oh, but I was prepared. I whispered into his ear, cringing at the brimstone warmth.
His eyes began to glow a faint red. It was on.
Well, good afternoon, everybody, Evil Rick Rizzs back with you. What a show, folks!
I’d rather be watching streaming video from that Enumclaw farm than this team. Sure, I’m a blackhearted rogue that eats chaos and drinks the vile liquor of human misery, but enough is enough. Besides, I’m a sadist, not a masochist.
So why am I back with a vengeance? My good friend James made two compelling arguments. First, these new callups might inspire kind of new hope. Ah, hope. It must be crushed like player dissent beneath Howard Lincoln’s boot. Next, he reminded me that there is no greater joy than kicking someone while they are down.
I’ll remind him of that when this blog trades Jedidah to Baseball Toaster for a blogger to be named later. Maybe they could even get Peter White.
Say, friends, I just have one piece of advice for departing Scott Spiezio. Please, please get fat again. Jake and the others have noted your efforts to combat — ahem — girth in this space before. I’ll be honest. Your cholesterol count being lower than your on-base percentage only impresses groupies. Chunk up, buttercup.
Besides, portly people are supposed to be jolly. Just look at Santa Claus. The figure that Spinal Tap celebrated in “Big Bottom” can be yours again. Plus, it’s Seattle, home of Sir Mixalot’s anthemic tribute to the ample lass. Need help bulking up?
Maybe Ryan Franklin can make you one of those Viagra milkshakes, if you catch my meaning.
Rumor has it that Joel Pineiro and Shigetoshi Hasegawa are on the outs. Even Jim Moore was able to figure out that they were terrible, so these moves must have been plenty obvious.
One day I want to meet the Evil Go 2 Guy. Actually, I think I saw him in that new George Romero movie, but at least the zombie had the chance of some future brain intake.
Speaking of gross acquisitions, Masao Kida? The over-under on “Days before Ron Fairly calls him Shigetoshi Hasegawa” is three. I’ll take the under, and your money. And laugh my evil, evil laugh.
Don’t worry, friends, Greg Dobbs is a substantial upgrade over Dave Hansen. One makes outs and looks like he’s on his last legs. The other makes outs and looks smooth doing so.
Oh, but I forgot about the prospect you USS Mariner guys swoon over. Would you say you have high hopes for the man called Doyle? You would, eh?
This one’s for you, Jerry: ChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnelling.
What a show! Yeah, like a snuff film. E.R.R. out.