Evil Rick Rizzs on housecleaning

Jeff · August 2, 2005 at 2:28 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

A half-dozen teams are dead in the water, and the M’s are one of them. Brutal housecleaning ensues. Who better to comment on these matters than the paragon of all things vicious, Evil Rick Rizzs?

As you may remember, I met Evil Rick — bizarro version of the Mariners’ affable broadcaster — a few months back. He did a guest post for the site then, so when I found him setting copies of “Real Change” on fire in an alley yesterday, I asked if he’d do another.

“Sure, Jerry,” he said, inhaling the smoke and letting it flow from his nostrils. “But what’s in it for me?”

I had to slow-play my hand. Telling him it would make readers happy would only discourage this denizen of the nether regions from complying. Oh, but I was prepared. I whispered into his ear, cringing at the brimstone warmth.

His eyes began to glow a faint red. It was on.

Well, good afternoon, everybody, Evil Rick Rizzs back with you. What a show, folks!

I’d rather be watching streaming video from that Enumclaw farm than this team. Sure, I’m a blackhearted rogue that eats chaos and drinks the vile liquor of human misery, but enough is enough. Besides, I’m a sadist, not a masochist.

So why am I back with a vengeance? My good friend James made two compelling arguments. First, these new callups might inspire kind of new hope. Ah, hope. It must be crushed like player dissent beneath Howard Lincoln’s boot. Next, he reminded me that there is no greater joy than kicking someone while they are down.

I’ll remind him of that when this blog trades Jedidah to Baseball Toaster for a blogger to be named later. Maybe they could even get Peter White.

Wait, what?

Say, friends, I just have one piece of advice for departing Scott Spiezio. Please, please get fat again. Jake and the others have noted your efforts to combat — ahem — girth in this space before. I’ll be honest. Your cholesterol count being lower than your on-base percentage only impresses groupies. Chunk up, buttercup.

Besides, portly people are supposed to be jolly. Just look at Santa Claus. The figure that Spinal Tap celebrated in “Big Bottom” can be yours again. Plus, it’s Seattle, home of Sir Mixalot’s anthemic tribute to the ample lass. Need help bulking up?

Maybe Ryan Franklin can make you one of those Viagra milkshakes, if you catch my meaning.

Rumor has it that Joel Pineiro and Shigetoshi Hasegawa are on the outs. Even Jim Moore was able to figure out that they were terrible, so these moves must have been plenty obvious.

One day I want to meet the Evil Go 2 Guy. Actually, I think I saw him in that new George Romero movie, but at least the zombie had the chance of some future brain intake.

Speaking of gross acquisitions, Masao Kida? The over-under on “Days before Ron Fairly calls him Shigetoshi Hasegawa” is three. I’ll take the under, and your money. And laugh my evil, evil laugh.

Don’t worry, friends, Greg Dobbs is a substantial upgrade over Dave Hansen. One makes outs and looks like he’s on his last legs. The other makes outs and looks smooth doing so.

Oh, but I forgot about the prospect you USS Mariner guys swoon over. Would you say you have high hopes for the man called Doyle? You would, eh?

This one’s for you, Jerry: ChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnellingChrisSnelling.

What a show! Yeah, like a snuff film. E.R.R. out.


20 Responses to “Evil Rick Rizzs on housecleaning”

  1. PLU Tim on August 2nd, 2005 2:45 pm

    Wonderful. Think we can put together a meet-and-greet with Evil Rick Rizzs?

  2. David J Corcoran on August 2nd, 2005 2:47 pm

    Thank you for brightening my day, Mr. Evil Rizzs. When I go to work this evening, I will be sure to share your post with all the little kids.

  3. goodbye baseball on August 2nd, 2005 2:48 pm

    Evil Rick Rizzs: The second-biggest icon in Issaquah, next to Costco, of course. I’m not worthy of his presence, and he’d probably agree.

  4. Smegmalicious on August 2nd, 2005 3:11 pm

    So what percentage of the team has turned over in the last week?

  5. Xteve X on August 2nd, 2005 3:33 pm

    Evil Rick Rizzs saves the day again!

  6. TGF on August 2nd, 2005 3:35 pm

    Damn that evil Rizzszs. If Doyle comes up lame I’ll be coming looking for him.

  7. JeffS on August 2nd, 2005 3:44 pm

    Huh? This is the kind of “journalism” where the author will blush when he thinks about a month later. Yeesh.

  8. j on August 2nd, 2005 3:57 pm

    Not to overlook the obvious: The Real Rick Rizzs is evil in his own way. “Stayyyyyy faiiiiiiiir!!!!!!!”

  9. paul on August 2nd, 2005 3:57 pm

    #6 –

    I don’t know the author, nor his intent, but I’m almost entirely sure that this article was satire Lighten up a little – nothing wrong with a laugh now and again.

    If Evil(er) Dave Valle ever shows up, be afraid.

  10. paul on August 2nd, 2005 3:58 pm

    Stupid html. The article was “satire”.

    I’ll go learn to close my tags properly now.

  11. Colm on August 2nd, 2005 4:03 pm

    Satire, now there’s a concept to confuse the hell out of poor Dave Valle.

  12. Brian on August 2nd, 2005 4:04 pm

    “talk about mudflaps / my girl’s got ’em…..”

    I think that’s how the song went anyways.

  13. Jeremy on August 2nd, 2005 4:32 pm

    I can always appreciate good satire.

    Good work once again, Jeff.

  14. Craig Richardson on August 2nd, 2005 4:52 pm

    ‘Masao Kida? The over-under on “Days before Ron Fairly calls him Shigetoshi Hasegawa” is three.’

    I spared a thought for dear old Ron during the MLS All-Star game, during which the announcers were apparently unable to tell any of the black players on Fulham apart, despite the fact that they had different numbers and one of them was eight inches taller than the others.

  15. urban shocker on August 2nd, 2005 5:48 pm

    Great piece! I am waiting for “Evil” Mike Hargrove to show up any day now.

  16. stink on August 2nd, 2005 6:06 pm

    What is inherently “good” about Rick Rizzs to begin with?

    (fake tan, nosejob, and hair plugs excluded…)

  17. truegen on August 2nd, 2005 6:21 pm


    A useless curse. Evil Rick is already damned. Hope you have fireproof clothing in your hunting gear.

  18. JeffS on August 2nd, 2005 6:49 pm

    I apologize Master Evil Rick Rizz. Forgive me (bows)

  19. Enumclaw on August 2nd, 2005 7:14 pm

    [deleted, see comment guidelines]

  20. The Ghost of Greg Briley on August 2nd, 2005 11:31 pm

    Evil Rick Rizzs, meet your new master Tickle Me Jeffrey Leonard… bwaahaahaahaa!