Sexson for Comeback Player of the Year!

Jeff · August 22, 2005 at 9:36 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Nominees for the 2005 Comeback Player of the Year Award are out, and our own Richie Sexson is one of six American League nominees. Exciting as this heady news is, my own enthusiasm is augmented by one factor: the identity of the presenting sponsor.

Anyone? OK, I’ll give you a hint: Rafael Palmeiro.

No, not Winstrol. Viagra, of course!

Don’t take my word for it. Ask

Major League Baseball and Viagra, the presenting sponsor, have announced the nominees for the 2005 Comeback Player of the Year Award, and balloting is now under way.

That’s right, balloting is now under way! If you’re as excited about the double entendre potential as I am — “Big Sexsy, Viagra Comeback Player of the Year” — then vote early, vote often. This is funny enough for me to forgive Richie for stealing Kevin Nash’s nickname.

But wait: there’s more. Speaking of Winstrol, the hilarity continues with nominee numero uno, Jason Giambi.

In the American League, the candidates are Jason Giambi of the Yankees, Roy Halladay of the Blue Jays, Bob Wickman of the Indians, Jay Gibbons of the Orioles, Richie Sexson of the Mariners and Barry Zito of the A’s.

This reminds me of one of my favorite Sesame Street songs, “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” Most of these players are coming back from injury, and one is … yeah.

I’m sure you can come up with your own reasons to vote against Giambi, but here are mine.

First, the national pastime offering a steroid poster boy this honor would only be a notch worse than the NFL awarding Jamal Lewis their comeback player of the year award post-pokey. Second, Alex Rodriguez asked rhetorically of Giambi, “How do you not root for a guy like that?” Well, it helps when he’s endorsed by someone wholly unlikable.

Most of all, though, consider the impact on our server. If a steroid user wins, the commenting debacle could be locust-like. Waves of Winstrol and Deca musings get zapped as it is. Thus, I hope you will proceed en masse to vote for Sexson so Derek does not have to spend hundreds of hours deleting variations on the “OMG he’s on the juice!” comment.

Won’t someone please think of Derek? And the children. Them too.

To make up for denying Giambi this award, I am prepared to create the USS Mariner Comeback Immune System of the Year Award; then, I will present it to the antibodies in Jason’s stomach that were so useful in beating back last year’s intestinal parasite.

In summary, Richie Sexson has rebounded from serious injury to become an imposing power threat once again; the only way the Viagra award could be more amusing is if Bubba Franks took up baseball; and Jeremy Giambi’s brother must not win. Thank you for your kind attention.


42 Responses to “Sexson for Comeback Player of the Year!”

  1. Liz on August 22nd, 2005 9:48 pm

    Darling, you crack me up. Thanks for lightening up my hellish work night.

  2. Liz on August 22nd, 2005 9:53 pm

    I AM thinking of the children. If Sexson wins, will the Mariners publish a Junior Mariners pop-up book featuring spread after spread of Big Sexsy’s manly exploits?

  3. urban shocker on August 22nd, 2005 9:54 pm

    The Big Sexsy has staying power this year, he should win the Viagra Comeback player of the year!

  4. drjeff on August 22nd, 2005 10:01 pm

    Stiff competition!


  5. Steve Thornton on August 22nd, 2005 10:17 pm

    OK, I voted. I am 100% sure that I will now receive spam from MLB and Viagra, even though I checked and unchecked the right boxes. Whole goddamn world is run by marketroids these days.

    Come on, Big Sexy! Er….

  6. Colm on August 22nd, 2005 11:00 pm

    Well, yeah, plus he’s a Yankee, so Joe Ordinary has all the more reason to hate him.

    A have a soft spot for Jason though. He was such a proficient Mariner killer from 99-01 (boo), but still came off as a self-effacing, articulate, engaging sort of a guy. Shame about the ‘roids though; I always had a soft spot for Djamolidine Abdujaparov too.

  7. PositivePaul on August 22nd, 2005 11:37 pm

    Viagra’s “Comeback” player of the year. Think about it. Seriously.


    Were I Richie, I’d be stuffing the ballot for Barry Zito or Jason Giambi.

    What a DIShonor to the player who wins.

  8. joe on August 23rd, 2005 12:24 am

    Wait a minute…wasn’t Giambi Ill much of last year??

  9. vj on August 23rd, 2005 1:06 am

    Yes, Giambi was quite ill. Can someone explain why Barry Zito is nominated?

  10. John D. on August 23rd, 2005 1:51 am

    I voted.
    Heck! It’s easier to vote at election time.
    [I hope Richie realizes what we’re going through for him.]

  11. Deanna on August 23rd, 2005 1:58 am

    Oooh, and you can win great prizes in a sweepstakes from Viagra if you vote! I’m so there! Wait, no, they say you have to be male and 35 years or older to win. Screw that.

  12. adam on August 23rd, 2005 3:05 am

    Because Zito sucked last year.

  13. Chris on August 23rd, 2005 5:22 am

    Just imagine the hilarity if Randy Johnson or Dick Pole were eligible for the award.

  14. Steve on August 23rd, 2005 6:44 am

    Won’t someone please think of Derek? And the children.

    I thought of Derek … And the Dominoes.

  15. msb on August 23rd, 2005 8:04 am

    Jay Gibbons???

    NL is interesting– Cliff Floyd (who is always coming back from an injury), Todd Jones who had been ridiculous for the Marlins (plus he still has his cool fu manchu, man), Andy Pettitte, Jr., Glaus, and I’d forgotten about Brian Fuentes’ back injury…

  16. J.R. on August 23rd, 2005 8:35 am

    no Griffey Jr.?

  17. forgotten schmo on August 23rd, 2005 8:42 am

    Griffey has also been a great comeback story but like Sexson it has been on a losing team so not a lot of coverage.

  18. VB1138 on August 23rd, 2005 8:51 am

    Weird, I voted, but it forced me to choose “mobile phone” as my phone type. Um, I don’t have a cell phone, so good luck trying to send text messages to my home phone.

    And why is a line (ok, pretty much any line) from Rocky Horror Picture Show going through my mind…? hmm, I wonder 😉

  19. Jeff on August 23rd, 2005 8:51 am

    Griffey is a nominee in the National League. I voted for him, too.

  20. DriveByBlogger on August 23rd, 2005 8:53 am

    I voted for Griffey Jr. in the NL and Richie in the AL. Both have had a long, hard road to recovery. The jokes write themselves…

  21. Zero Gravitas on August 23rd, 2005 9:21 am

    I don’t think Halladay has a chance. This award won’t go to a pitcher. They’re going to want somebody who swings some serious wood.

  22. Evan on August 23rd, 2005 9:25 am

    As much as I’m tempted to vote for Halladay (a guy who leads AL pitchers in VORP despite having missed 7 starts with a fractured tibia), the Big Sexy – Viagra angle can’t be ignored.

    While Giambi did suck last year, it was the parasites and tumor that brought him down. While the tumor may well have been related to his chemical exploits, the parasites were just nasty (and, if I recall correctly, also got a few of his teammates). And the treatment for giardia isn’t fun, either.

    And how did anyone get giardia in the US, let alone a group of well-protected rich people? It just doesn’t make sense.

  23. DriveByBlogger on August 23rd, 2005 9:30 am

    Giardia is also known by the nickname “Beaver Fever”

  24. Anthony on August 23rd, 2005 9:31 am

    So what exactly is Zito coming back from? Mediocrity? Yeah, okay.

    As for Giambi–he did recover from a pituitary tumor. Whether or not it was caused by steroids is unknown, so it would be unfair to hold it against him.

    Now, if you want to argue that his very connection to the scandal disqualifies him…well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree. But does anyone think there will be a handful of sportswriters who will point to Giambi and say, “See, this is what happens when you give up steroids and don’t cheat yourself!” Not saying they’d be right to do that; just that I could imagine some doing it.

  25. Ralph Malph on August 23rd, 2005 9:38 am

    I couldn’t vote; no one has told Viagra yet that Alaska and Hawaii were admitted to the Union, so it only lists 49 states (they think D.C. is a state, though).

    The official contest rules include this:

    “To enter, you must be 18 years of age or older and a legal resident of one of the 48 contiguous United States or the District of Columbia.”

    I think it’s because impotence isn’t a problem in Alaska and Hawaii.

  26. Ralph Malph on August 23rd, 2005 9:39 am

    Giardia, however, is quite common in Alaska — it is frequently found in rivers and streams. That’s why they call it “beaver fever”.

  27. Typical Idiot Fan on August 23rd, 2005 9:49 am

    I dunno, Giambi winning the Viagra Comeback award really works. He is, after all… a Yankee…

  28. Basebliman on August 23rd, 2005 10:23 am

    ba dum ching!

  29. goodbye baseball on August 23rd, 2005 11:08 am

    21 said: I don’t think Halladay has a chance. This award won’t go to a pitcher. They’re going to want somebody who swings some serious wood.

    Speaking of wood, I was thinking about Kerry Wood for the Viagra NL Comeback Player of the Year until he gave up that HR to Chipper in the 9th inning. Ok, I’m joking, but imagine the hilarity if he does that for real next year.

  30. Deacon Blues on August 23rd, 2005 11:23 am

    This all reminds me of my favorite Bill James Retro-Bermanism:

    “Call a Doctor if Your” Dick Burns

  31. Aaron on August 23rd, 2005 11:36 am

    Too bad Jay Buhner isn’t still around to win it.

  32. Brian on August 23rd, 2005 12:06 pm

    Wow, look at all those jokes. Ill add my own.

    All the Candidates should play for the Yanks or the Expos.

    They were able to swing a big stick.

    He came off the field with a limp.

    He swings a little to the left when pitched a bending curve

  33. jim on August 23rd, 2005 12:22 pm

    The acceptance speech:
    “Thanks for this great recognition. I kinda lost my drive last season being unable to perform on the field. I played hard all year this year, and this award is a big climax to my season. I’m looking forward to a longer and more satisfying career now that I’m healthy.”

  34. J.R. on August 23rd, 2005 12:56 pm

    oops, I didn’t see Jr. in there.

  35. DriveByBlogger on August 23rd, 2005 1:58 pm
  36. mara on August 23rd, 2005 2:43 pm

    You have to be male and 35 or older to win the Grand Prize. Which sucks.

    I realize that Viagra isn’t much use to a 20-something female, but I’d much rather throw out a first pitch than get a stupid used base.

  37. deleted for aesthetic reasons on August 23rd, 2005 2:44 pm

    I made some Cialis jokes once during the Rafael Palmeiro steroid scandal and got a good talking too about the comment guidlines but now MLB has already done my dirty work and gone and made a joke out of the Comeback Player of the Year Award. 🙂

  38. DMZ on August 23rd, 2005 2:45 pm

    I realize that Viagra isn’t much use to a 20-something female, but I’d much rather throw out a first pitch than get a stupid used base.

    Um… I don’t want to totally derail this thread, but there are women who’ve used Viagra and reported that… things… happened. I’d provide cites, but they’re all pretty spicy for a family website like this.

  39. Karen on August 23rd, 2005 5:31 pm

    Is this a one-time shot or can we do this more than once?

    Vote for Richie, I mean…. 😉

  40. ray on August 23rd, 2005 9:31 pm

    I have a better award for Viagra to sponsor: the up and coming player of the year award. Now is there a better fit? I ask you, is there?

  41. Nick on August 24th, 2005 9:32 am

    I think you HAVE to give the award to Giambi. I mean the award is sponsored by a performance enhancing drug!

  42. Replacement Level Poster on October 6th, 2005 12:56 pm

    Griffey is a nominee in the National League. I voted for him, too.

    Well at least one of the people you voted for won. I was really hoping Sexson would win it, or at least Giambi wouldn’t.