Sexson for Comeback Player of the Year!
Nominees for the 2005 Comeback Player of the Year Award are out, and our own Richie Sexson is one of six American League nominees. Exciting as this heady news is, my own enthusiasm is augmented by one factor: the identity of the presenting sponsor.
Anyone? OK, I’ll give you a hint: Rafael Palmeiro.
No, not Winstrol. Viagra, of course!
Don’t take my word for it. Ask MLB.com:
Major League Baseball and Viagra, the presenting sponsor, have announced the nominees for the 2005 Comeback Player of the Year Award, and balloting is now under way.
That’s right, balloting is now under way! If you’re as excited about the double entendre potential as I am — “Big Sexsy, Viagra Comeback Player of the Year” — then vote early, vote often. This is funny enough for me to forgive Richie for stealing Kevin Nash’s nickname.
But wait: there’s more. Speaking of Winstrol, the hilarity continues with nominee numero uno, Jason Giambi.
In the American League, the candidates are Jason Giambi of the Yankees, Roy Halladay of the Blue Jays, Bob Wickman of the Indians, Jay Gibbons of the Orioles, Richie Sexson of the Mariners and Barry Zito of the A’s.
This reminds me of one of my favorite Sesame Street songs, “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.” Most of these players are coming back from injury, and one is … yeah.
I’m sure you can come up with your own reasons to vote against Giambi, but here are mine.
First, the national pastime offering a steroid poster boy this honor would only be a notch worse than the NFL awarding Jamal Lewis their comeback player of the year award post-pokey. Second, Alex Rodriguez asked rhetorically of Giambi, “How do you not root for a guy like that?” Well, it helps when he’s endorsed by someone wholly unlikable.
Most of all, though, consider the impact on our server. If a steroid user wins, the commenting debacle could be locust-like. Waves of Winstrol and Deca musings get zapped as it is. Thus, I hope you will proceed en masse to vote for Sexson so Derek does not have to spend hundreds of hours deleting variations on the “OMG he’s on the juice!” comment.
Won’t someone please think of Derek? And the children. Them too.
To make up for denying Giambi this award, I am prepared to create the USS Mariner Comeback Immune System of the Year Award; then, I will present it to the antibodies in Jason’s stomach that were so useful in beating back last year’s intestinal parasite.
In summary, Richie Sexson has rebounded from serious injury to become an imposing power threat once again; the only way the Viagra award could be more amusing is if Bubba Franks took up baseball; and Jeremy Giambi’s brother must not win. Thank you for your kind attention.