Way to milk it!

JMB · August 25, 2005 at 4:50 pm · Filed Under General baseball 

I love this suspended batboy story.

Quick recap, if you’re not aware: Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny, a former member of the Florida Marlins, dared a Marlins batboy to drink one gallon of milk in under an hour Sunday while the Dodgers were in Florida. Penny offered up $500 if the kid was able to do it without vomiting. He didn’t vomit, but didn’t finish the milk in time, either. The Marlins suspended him for six games, leading Penny to quip, “It’s kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk.”

Now it appears he’ll be living his 15 minutes of fame: The Milk Processor Education Program is offering him the cash in exchange for his pimping milk, and a Minnesota Twins minor league affiliate wants him as honorary batboy Monday for a “Milk Night” promotion.


87 Responses to “Way to milk it!”

  1. jim on August 25th, 2005 11:58 pm

    Bar in upstate NY had a thing called “Around the World” which was any 55 of their 80+ tap and bottle beers. A college buddy (petite little guy with more nerve than brains) and I discussed the possibility of “Around the Weekend” – from end of classes Friday thru closing Sunday, consuming 55 different beers. Bars in NY are open until 4 AM Fri and Sat, at least midnight on Sun. Thankfully for financial and academic reasons we did not attempt this stunt. We knew one guy who did and failed, and he was a beer-drinking HOF’er if I’ve ever met one.
    But I had no idea milk would be so hard. glad I was never extended this challenge

  2. Colm on August 26th, 2005 12:39 am

    Derek and the USSM Safeco Challenge.

    I think you may be setting the bar a little high there. I’d need to try on something mild and light on the stomach. Like Guinness.

  3. Deanna on August 26th, 2005 1:54 am

    Dude, the issue with Derek’s challenge isn’t the part where you have to drink and eat all of that within half an hour. It’s more like, the challenge is actually getting a beer from the Triangle or from Sluggers in less than half an hour right before game time, given their service. Good luck…

  4. DMZ on August 26th, 2005 7:35 am


  5. DMZ on August 26th, 2005 7:36 am

    I have decided, though, that there’s no way I’m going to come up with a challenge, if only for the legal issues.

  6. David J Corcoran on August 26th, 2005 7:51 am

    55: That’s what legal waivers are for.

  7. xxTimxx on August 26th, 2005 9:17 am

    Call me an alcoholic but we used to do two hours of power in college. That’s a shot of beer every minute for 120 minutes. Man that doesn’t sound healthy now, ugh.

  8. Aaron on August 26th, 2005 9:21 am

    I’ve done a quart of milk without stopping (under 2 minutes).

    Then I didn’t want to eat, drink…pretty much didn’t want to move for an hour or so. I was feeling very, very not-good. Didn’t throw up, though.

    Wasn’t too long ago a teacher somewhere got suspended (or was it even fired?) for pulling the dare in a science class. The human stomach just isn’t meant to handle something in the milk. Even if a person can do it without throwing up, I don’t envy the stomachache they’ll have when they’re done.

  9. CdA Guy on August 26th, 2005 9:22 am

    A shot of beer a minute for an hour is known as the “Hour of Power.” It is not difficult for a well-seasoned college binge drinker. Get a big group of people and it really gets fun after about 40 minutes.

    The Century Club, however, is a monumental achievement. I once made it to about 90 minutes (and faked the last 10 like a wuss), and soon thereafter suffered a full meltdown. Man, those were great times.

  10. DMZ on August 26th, 2005 9:33 am

    Sounds like some people need to head on down to Duffy’s Bar for some treatment.

  11. tiddley on August 26th, 2005 9:34 am

    I have completed the milk challenge once, it was warm milk and a warm day, that was awful. Got thru 10 16 ounce cups without hurling. I did hurl about an hour after it was a milk drinking contest and I was the last to hurl :). but It was not a pretty site about an hour after I drank that, and the diarrhea that followed for the rest of the night was awful.

  12. robbbbbb on August 26th, 2005 9:39 am

    One that’s possible to do, but doesn’t seem like a big deal, is the frisbee full of beer. Not the little, novelty discs you see, but the 175 gram discs that are standard for ultimate frisbee play. This is a pretty standard challenge for freshmen on college teams.

    The thing is, you can pour a whole pitcher (a large pitcher) of beer into a disc. Surface tension helps. For a seasoned drinker, I know that a pitcher is no big deal. For a college freshman, especially the skinny kind that play disc, that’s a different story.

  13. Russ on August 26th, 2005 9:57 am

    In my years as a bartender I watched many, many silly drinking games. When you watch the silliness sober, it is neither fun nor intriguing. I think being a bartender has saved me from many alcohol induced poor decisions. I’ve watched too many people do odd and sometimes stupid things while drinking. I’ve also laughed until I hurt, man have I laughed at you guys while you gave me money for laughing at you. You’d think that all drunk people are millionaires the way they tip and the more I abused your drunken ass, the more you gave me. I guess I did like drunks.

    I’ve seen those who’ve just turned 21 being bought drinks by their ‘friends’ who thought they were being nice by giving poor saps their 4th shot in an hour on top of the Nuclear Iced Tea’s. I’ve warned many inexperienced drinkers to ease up a bit only to be ignored.

    The one thing about alcohol is that once the first drink or two is down, the whole common sense thing about how much more one should drink begins to dissapate. After the third or forth drink in an hour, that little voice in one’s head has been silenced for the night or until the barfing begins.

    Good times…

  14. Evan on August 26th, 2005 10:18 am

    I greatly prefer the drunken eating stunts.

    For example: Eat the entire jar of dried hot peppers in one mouthful. I’ve seen a guy do that (someone paid him $50 to do it), but the guy was a giant (actually had gigantism) and was the sort of dude who’d routinely wander into Wendy’s and order 9 junior bacon cheeseburgers for lunch. So it wasn’t really fair.

    Having a giant for a friend really makes bars interesting. He’s good for breaking up fights, and drinking games.

  15. Dave in Palo Alto on August 26th, 2005 10:21 am

    To further milk this thread . . . .

    There is a Chinese restaurant bar in Harvard Square that has forever made a fetish of getting Harvard kiddies to drink near lethal volumes of alcohol and then toss. The poison du maison was the scorpion bowl, which is esentially ceramic buckets of grain alcohol with some obscure juice mixed in. Called bowling at the Kong. Successful bowlers were honored with pennants. Losers were often photographed sleeping head down in the bowl.

  16. David J Corcoran on August 26th, 2005 10:32 am

    64: Cripes. I got 3/4 of t he jar at once a couple weeks ago and I was pretty proud of myself (although I lost the bet).

  17. feldor on August 26th, 2005 10:36 am

    One of my favorite events is the Beer Mile. This contest consists of chugging a beer ever lap on a track for a mile race. The combination of running and slamming beers is just asking for trouble. The winner is usually the one who can survive without stopping to vomit.

  18. robbbbbb on August 26th, 2005 11:03 am


    Interesting variant on the Beer Mile: Drink one beer after each lap. If you puke before the end of lap four, run another. Winner is he with the best time.

    Back in college, we had the “West Dorm Triathalon.” In order: Give: one pint blood. Drink: One six pack beer. Run: One quarter mile.

    I never tried, and am very glad of this.

  19. JMB on August 26th, 2005 11:27 am

    This thread took an interesting turn somewhere in the first 20 posts — can’t pinpoint it exactly — and has gone downhill since then.


  20. Jeff on August 26th, 2005 11:32 am

    I’ll try to re-rail:

    If the Dairy Farmers of Washington don’t demand that batboy Demtrius try this milk test as a publicity stunt, they should fire their marketing staff.

  21. Roger on August 26th, 2005 11:56 am

    Yeesh. I must be old, because none of these activities sound even close to enjoyable. Then again, when I drank to excess a few times in my younger days I always went from pleasantly buzzed to puking, with no stop at euphoria.

    Heavy drinking just ain’t ever been much fun.

  22. David J Corcoran on August 26th, 2005 12:11 pm

    Take a shot of refrigerated Southern Comfort every minute for an hour. Haven’t ever tried but it might kill you I gotta figure.

  23. theberle on August 26th, 2005 12:17 pm

    Bringing this thread back to the M’s, when can we expect an update from Derek to the Get Lit For a Little article?


    I’ve recently made it back up the NW after years in SoCal (including some drinking at the aforementioned “West Dorm”), and want to be sure I’ve got all the latest info.

  24. eggman on August 26th, 2005 12:26 pm

    I once at 57 raw eggs in one sitting…..

    Make my self puke afterwards for fear of an instant heart attack…could have held em down though

  25. ballgame on August 26th, 2005 12:41 pm

    How soon will it be before “firehargrove.com” becomes a reality?

    See what some north-siders are doing in Chicago: http://firedustybaker.com/nucleus/

  26. Deanna on August 26th, 2005 12:54 pm

    73 – The new version might go something like:

    1. Only attend games where King Felix is starting.
    2. Invite USSM readers to come hang out at the King Street Bar before the game. Bring Jonah along for entertainment value.
    3. Let the beer flow like bandwidth.

  27. DMZ on August 26th, 2005 12:58 pm

    oooh man, my bandwith bill… I need a drink.

  28. David J Corcoran on August 26th, 2005 1:10 pm

    I’ll fax you some cold SoCo if you want…

  29. PositivePaul on August 26th, 2005 1:38 pm

    A transcript taken from the security camera video:

    Batboy: The defect in that one is bleach.
    Penny: No, I’m sorry that’s incorrect.
    30 seconds pass…
    Batboy: It freakin’ is bleach. Gosh!
    30 more seconds pass…
    Batboy: HHhhuururrrrrrrlllllllllllllllllRAaaaaalphhhhhHuurrrrllllllll.
    Penny: Oooh. So close. You got the milk down, but couldn’t keep it in…

  30. David J Corcoran on August 26th, 2005 1:43 pm

    “It freakin’ is bleach. Gosh!”

    I didn’t know the Marlins batboy was Napoleon!

    And I didn’t know they played in Idaho!

  31. DriveByBlogger on August 26th, 2005 2:06 pm

    MLB has looked the other way about this Milk Problem for years. Six games is not enough. Every game that batboy was involved in is Tainted now…

  32. Deanna on August 26th, 2005 2:12 pm

    Paul: I thought it was more like those milk commercials in the 80’s..

    Batboy: You guys just think I’m some dumb kid hangin’ around the dugout all the time, fetching stuff for you big guys. [voice gets deeper] But I’m drinking milk. [voice gets deeper] And it means I’m growing taller, and my bones are stronger, and one day, I’m gonna be [voice gets deeper] a big slugger just like you. [pukes]
    Voiceover: Milk. It does a body good.
    Batboy: Urggghhh…

  33. troy on August 26th, 2005 2:16 pm

    81, classic post. I hope the batboy gets charged with purgery after denying he ever chugged milk, under oath, before Congress. I wonder when we’ll get a statement from the White House. This has gone on for too long. Thankfully we know Schilling will have something to say shortly.

  34. DriveByBlogger on August 26th, 2005 2:22 pm

    “I have never chugged milk during a game”

    “I have no idea how that milk got into my body..”


  35. mara on August 26th, 2005 2:23 pm

    Felix (and the royal nickname) made Don Shanoff’s Morning Quickie list over at ESPN.com’s Page 2. It’s the first item on the list, as a matter of fact.


  36. DriveByBlogger on August 26th, 2005 2:29 pm

    Felony Assault = 20 games (or less)
    Positive Steriod Test = 10 games
    Drinking Milk = 6 games…

    Of course, we don’t know the whole story. Maybe this kid has had problems abusing the white stuff before…

  37. Dave in Palo Alto on August 26th, 2005 4:11 pm

    83 — “purgery”? An intriguing misspelling.