Way to milk it!
I love this suspended batboy story.
Quick recap, if you’re not aware: Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny, a former member of the Florida Marlins, dared a Marlins batboy to drink one gallon of milk in under an hour Sunday while the Dodgers were in Florida. Penny offered up $500 if the kid was able to do it without vomiting. He didn’t vomit, but didn’t finish the milk in time, either. The Marlins suspended him for six games, leading Penny to quip, “It’s kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk.”
Now it appears he’ll be living his 15 minutes of fame: The Milk Processor Education Program is offering him the cash in exchange for his pimping milk, and a Minnesota Twins minor league affiliate wants him as honorary batboy Monday for a “Milk Night” promotion.
Comments
87 Responses to “Way to milk it!”
Really? That’s awesome. Good for him.
How big is this kid? A gallon is milk is…um, let me think…
4.54 litres. Wait, no. US gallon – 3.8 litres.
That’s not as much as I thought. I was going to complain that it might be dangerous for the kid to drink that much milk, but I think I could do it, and I’m lactose intolerant.
I too found that article and story hilarious. I don’t really see what the problem was as long as the batboy did his job later on, which it sounds like he did.
No the milk challenge in near impossible unless you chug as much as you can at the beginning and then chug the rest right at the end.
I have watched many people fail at this and have only seen one the succeed. But the same person I saw do it I watched eat 39 hard boiled eggs in a row before he threw up.
Evan — apparently everyone is lactose intolerant at some level. The guy Joel describes is the first person I’ve ever heard of doing it.
jason
Seriously, Joel?? You’ve watched many people fail at this??
And I thought watching the Mariners this year demonstrated my need for a life.
Is somebody on the Marlins’ staff, front office, or ownership group lactose intolerant? Or do they have a team rule and chose to punish the kid because they knew they couldn’t punish Penny since he was a Dodger? Either way, suspending a batboy ranks up there as one of the STUPIDEST things I have ever heard in my life. If I were that batboy, I’d tell the Marlins to go milk a cow the old fashioned way and then quit.
Oh, and nice job by the Twins affiliate to invite him up for their Milk Night.
Re: Penny’s comment about the dare
So, what might we be able to dare Ryan Franklin to do?
6: I’ve seen it many times too. Relatively common event in high school lcoker rooms and college frats. I’ve seen about 10 people try to do it. About 1/3 throw up, the other 2/3 usually don’t come close to finishing.
The band 311 used to do the same thing at some of their concerts. Drink a gallon of milk in an hour, get 311$. That’s ridiculous that he got suspended over it. Haha.
LA has the worst luck. Key players hurt or suspended constantly.
If you’ve ever lived in a college dorm, odds are you’ve seen this attempted. I’ve seen a 6’4″ 300 pound kid get to about 5 cups left, and then just ralph everywhere. It’s impossible, the stomach is not big enough to handle that amount of milk, and milk by nature sits in the stomach to be digested longer than many things. The stomach also, is not evolved completely and really only should be digesting human milk, not cow milk. Over the years, the human stomach has gotten better and better at digesting cow milk.
I shouldn’t say impossible… but pretty close, I’ve never seen it completed, but I have heard of it.
I can say that it is my one dream in life to drink that much milk at once.
Drink one gallon of milk in under an hour?!
Pish-posh. That’s nothing.
The Great Kobayashi (the Ichiro of Professional Eating) could
do this in about 5 minutes.
Maybe Brad Penny got this idea from watching too many of those eating contests on ESPN?
How about the Mariners stage a promotion in which you win a pair of free season tickets if you can beat the Great Kobayashi in an eating context (your choice of food or beverage)? I’d like to see Kobayashi go head to head against Ichiro.
14: Bucky Jacobsen would win.
14: Go try to drink that much, see what happens haha.
I had to read that again. They suspended the batboy and not the idiot player? Stop the world, I’m getting off.
RE 11: What about goat’s milk? Only 10 percent of the world’s population drinks cow’s milk. The other 90 percent are lactose intolerant and so drink goat’s milk. (I used to cover county fairs.)
I won’t even mention Golytely. Oops! I’ve said too much already.
I wouldn’t get too upset, wabbles, the Marlins suspended their batboy, but they don’t really have much jurisdiction over Penny now that he’s playing with the Dodgers.
Maybe the suspension has more to do with either 1) “gambling” or 2) fraternization that the nature of the hijink itself…. just a thought before every gets all tipsy.
Apparently the batboy was suspended for what.. talking to ballplayers? Believing something a ballplayer said? Taking a dare?
If he was suspended for doing something stupid, then they’d have to suspend their whole team at some point.
Wait, was Penny suspended or the bat boy?
Reading it again, it must be the bat boy. I thought Penny was suspended! Or was he…
If it were Penny, I’d have to stand by my previous statement of that’s ridiculous.
Batboy, not Penny. The Marlins can’t suspend Penny; he’s a Dodger. And the Dodgers shouldn’t suspend him, because that’d be silly.
jason
“No man can drink fifty gallons.”
 Paul Newman as “Cool Hand Brad”
(OT) – PSA from ROTOWORLD on WILLIE BLOOMQUIST:
Willie Bloomquist went 0-for-5 today and is in an 0-for-18 slump.
Bloomquist’s speed and his ability to play anywhere make him a decent 25th man. As an everyday second baseman and No. 2 hitter, he’s simply terrible, maybe the worst regular in the majors. The Mariners have absolutely nothing to gain by giving him so many at-bats. In fact, they’re just driving up his arbitation price. Aug. 25 – 5:17 pm et
[Just so you know that others are thinking these things...]
So who plays “Dragline”? Mike Lowell?
Mariner dare:
Ask Ryan Franklin and Gil Meche to see which one can swim farther out into the ocean ….
28: Not good. What if one of them washes back?
How about give a 200 million dollar incentive to Ryan Franklin if he can hold his breath underwater for an hour.
(and he can’t come up for an hour)
How about 8 saltine crakers (the little squares) in 1 minute, w/out drinking anything. Try it, can’t be done.
Or, a shot of beer every minute for an hour.
The 8 saltine crackers one is actually quite easy. I can usually do it in about 55 seconds.
However, the 1 shot of beer every minute and the milk ones are almost impossible for me. I’ve attempted the beer challenge two or three times and the milk challenge at least five times. Never even came close to either.
My favorite time doing the milk challenge was when six of us stood on top of an apartment complex each with a gallon. We had dyed our milk different colors and agreed to drink at about the same speed. Let’s just say that there are some hilarious photos of brightly differently colored vomit falling from the sky as all our friends watched from the carpark below.
I’ve seen this attempted numerous times at well (man I miss college), and I’ve never seen it done successfully. The idea of chugging half at the beginning of the hour and half at the end makes sense, although I still wonder if it would work.
I’ve seen the crackers thing done. You just need to find someone who salivates like crazy and keeps a steady pace. Too many crackers at once and you’re done. IMO, it’s a better dare than the milk thing, though, less expensive and less chance of vomiting.
*getting a box of saltines*
nope. can’t do it.
The big advantage to the saltine dare is that it’s far less time consuming.
Mat’s right. The key to the crackers is making sure you can produce enough saliva to enable you to swallow them. I just drink heaps of water before hand and make sure my mouth is moist when I start. Stick one cracker in, and after crunching it up, stick another in. Just keep swallowing and chewing and it’ll all go down =)
This is fascinating.
A couple things I wanted to point out. The contest is much simpler if you don’t specify WHOLE milk. Being a frat boy back in my college days, I’ve seen this accomplished twice…but never with whole milk.
The second thing is I am a Dodger fan. I listen to the online feed of the local LA radio station and this morning Penny was interviewed. He wanted to clear up a couple incorrect facts in the story. His esact quote was, that’s what happens when you leave an important story like this up to the media.” It sounded toungue in cheek. Here were his corrections:
1. The bat boy DID drink the milk in the hour.
2. He didn’t win the bet because he couldn’t keep the milk down…he tossed it up.
3. Other Dodger players tossed money into the pool as well and the pot grew to over $1000
4. At least Brad Penny, he wasn’t sure about the other players, gave him the money anyway
5. Brad Penny said he would “take care of the batboy” during his suspension.
I can do almost 6 saltines. It’s VERY HARD THOUGH!
I think the suspension is ridiculous but makes sense from a “business” sense. There are ten million kids who would love to be a batboy/girl, so they want their batboys to abuse milk and get themselves sick. They should have a sense of humor, though.
Yeah, Penny doesn’t play for the same team (Marlins) as the batboy. The Dodgers themselves should have suspended him for being a moron. As I understand it, adults are supposed to prevent people who don’t know any better (including kids, especially kids) from doing stupid things.
Wait, baseball players are adults? Let’s not get carried away here.
i’m up to 7 in a minute. will not go to sleep till I reach 8.
I did eight on my first try. Suckers.
I need to come up with a suitable almost-impossible USSM style dare. It should be like… on the way to a game, go to the Triangle, drink one of their super-large cheap Rainiers, walk to Sluggers, drink one of their super-large cheap Budweisers, then eat a normal size thing of kettle corn from the Dragon stand, a braut of some kind from that one dude, then go to the Pyramid beer garden and drink one of each kind of beer.
An hour seems too lenient. How about like half an hour?
Simply because of travel time and potential peopletraffic, I don’t think .5 hours is possible. I’d go 50 minutes.
I heard that the batboy got it down but puked. That is the way I’ve seen it (almost done) before. Best way to go is wait about 45 minutes, then pound all the milk in the last 15 and puke just after the hour mark.
But do it in the winter so the milk stays cold!!!
Was there a timelimit on the puking, though? I believe it’s “drink the milk within an hour and then don’t puke… at all”
DMZ, if there was no timelimit on the puking, how would you ever win the money?
#31-
pshh, some of my friends in college were all about century club. shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes.
Bar in upstate NY had a thing called “Around the World” which was any 55 of their 80+ tap and bottle beers. A college buddy (petite little guy with more nerve than brains) and I discussed the possibility of “Around the Weekend” – from end of classes Friday thru closing Sunday, consuming 55 different beers. Bars in NY are open until 4 AM Fri and Sat, at least midnight on Sun. Thankfully for financial and academic reasons we did not attempt this stunt. We knew one guy who did and failed, and he was a beer-drinking HOF’er if I’ve ever met one.
But I had no idea milk would be so hard. glad I was never extended this challenge
Derek and the USSM Safeco Challenge.
I think you may be setting the bar a little high there. I’d need to try on something mild and light on the stomach. Like Guinness.
Dude, the issue with Derek’s challenge isn’t the part where you have to drink and eat all of that within half an hour. It’s more like, the challenge is actually getting a beer from the Triangle or from Sluggers in less than half an hour right before game time, given their service. Good luck…
Exaccccccccctly.
I have decided, though, that there’s no way I’m going to come up with a challenge, if only for the legal issues.
55: That’s what legal waivers are for.
Call me an alcoholic but we used to do two hours of power in college. That’s a shot of beer every minute for 120 minutes. Man that doesn’t sound healthy now, ugh.
I’ve done a quart of milk without stopping (under 2 minutes).
Then I didn’t want to eat, drink…pretty much didn’t want to move for an hour or so. I was feeling very, very not-good. Didn’t throw up, though.
Wasn’t too long ago a teacher somewhere got suspended (or was it even fired?) for pulling the dare in a science class. The human stomach just isn’t meant to handle something in the milk. Even if a person can do it without throwing up, I don’t envy the stomachache they’ll have when they’re done.
A shot of beer a minute for an hour is known as the “Hour of Power.” It is not difficult for a well-seasoned college binge drinker. Get a big group of people and it really gets fun after about 40 minutes.
The Century Club, however, is a monumental achievement. I once made it to about 90 minutes (and faked the last 10 like a wuss), and soon thereafter suffered a full meltdown. Man, those were great times.
Sounds like some people need to head on down to Duffy’s Bar for some treatment.
I have completed the milk challenge once, it was warm milk and a warm day, that was awful. Got thru 10 16 ounce cups without hurling. I did hurl about an hour after it was a milk drinking contest and I was the last to hurl
. but It was not a pretty site about an hour after I drank that, and the diarrhea that followed for the rest of the night was awful.
One that’s possible to do, but doesn’t seem like a big deal, is the frisbee full of beer. Not the little, novelty discs you see, but the 175 gram discs that are standard for ultimate frisbee play. This is a pretty standard challenge for freshmen on college teams.
The thing is, you can pour a whole pitcher (a large pitcher) of beer into a disc. Surface tension helps. For a seasoned drinker, I know that a pitcher is no big deal. For a college freshman, especially the skinny kind that play disc, that’s a different story.
In my years as a bartender I watched many, many silly drinking games. When you watch the silliness sober, it is neither fun nor intriguing. I think being a bartender has saved me from many alcohol induced poor decisions. I’ve watched too many people do odd and sometimes stupid things while drinking. I’ve also laughed until I hurt, man have I laughed at you guys while you gave me money for laughing at you. You’d think that all drunk people are millionaires the way they tip and the more I abused your drunken ass, the more you gave me. I guess I did like drunks.
I’ve seen those who’ve just turned 21 being bought drinks by their ‘friends’ who thought they were being nice by giving poor saps their 4th shot in an hour on top of the Nuclear Iced Tea’s. I’ve warned many inexperienced drinkers to ease up a bit only to be ignored.
The one thing about alcohol is that once the first drink or two is down, the whole common sense thing about how much more one should drink begins to dissapate. After the third or forth drink in an hour, that little voice in one’s head has been silenced for the night or until the barfing begins.
Good times…
I greatly prefer the drunken eating stunts.
For example: Eat the entire jar of dried hot peppers in one mouthful. I’ve seen a guy do that (someone paid him $50 to do it), but the guy was a giant (actually had gigantism) and was the sort of dude who’d routinely wander into Wendy’s and order 9 junior bacon cheeseburgers for lunch. So it wasn’t really fair.
Having a giant for a friend really makes bars interesting. He’s good for breaking up fights, and drinking games.
To further milk this thread . . . .
There is a Chinese restaurant bar in Harvard Square that has forever made a fetish of getting Harvard kiddies to drink near lethal volumes of alcohol and then toss. The poison du maison was the scorpion bowl, which is esentially ceramic buckets of grain alcohol with some obscure juice mixed in. Called bowling at the Kong. Successful bowlers were honored with pennants. Losers were often photographed sleeping head down in the bowl.
64: Cripes. I got 3/4 of t he jar at once a couple weeks ago and I was pretty proud of myself (although I lost the bet).
One of my favorite events is the Beer Mile. This contest consists of chugging a beer ever lap on a track for a mile race. The combination of running and slamming beers is just asking for trouble. The winner is usually the one who can survive without stopping to vomit.
67:
Interesting variant on the Beer Mile: Drink one beer after each lap. If you puke before the end of lap four, run another. Winner is he with the best time.
Back in college, we had the “West Dorm Triathalon.” In order: Give: one pint blood. Drink: One six pack beer. Run: One quarter mile.
I never tried, and am very glad of this.
This thread took an interesting turn somewhere in the first 20 posts — can’t pinpoint it exactly — and has gone downhill since then.
jason
I’ll try to re-rail:
If the Dairy Farmers of Washington don’t demand that batboy Demtrius try this milk test as a publicity stunt, they should fire their marketing staff.
Yeesh. I must be old, because none of these activities sound even close to enjoyable. Then again, when I drank to excess a few times in my younger days I always went from pleasantly buzzed to puking, with no stop at euphoria.
Heavy drinking just ain’t ever been much fun.
Take a shot of refrigerated Southern Comfort every minute for an hour. Haven’t ever tried but it might kill you I gotta figure.
Bringing this thread back to the M’s, when can we expect an update from Derek to the Get Lit For a Little article?
http://ussmariner.com/features/safeco_drinking.htm
I’ve recently made it back up the NW after years in SoCal (including some drinking at the aforementioned “West Dorm”), and want to be sure I’ve got all the latest info.
I once at 57 raw eggs in one sitting…..
Make my self puke afterwards for fear of an instant heart attack…could have held em down though
How soon will it be before “firehargrove.com” becomes a reality?
See what some north-siders are doing in Chicago: http://firedustybaker.com/nucleus/
73 – The new version might go something like:
1. Only attend games where King Felix is starting.
2. Invite USSM readers to come hang out at the King Street Bar before the game. Bring Jonah along for entertainment value.
3. Let the beer flow like bandwidth.
oooh man, my bandwith bill… I need a drink.
I’ll fax you some cold SoCo if you want…
A transcript taken from the security camera video:
Batboy: The defect in that one is bleach.
Penny: No, I’m sorry that’s incorrect.
30 seconds pass…
Batboy: It freakin’ is bleach. Gosh!
30 more seconds pass…
Batboy: HHhhuururrrrrrrlllllllllllllllllRAaaaaalphhhhhHuurrrrllllllll.
Penny: Oooh. So close. You got the milk down, but couldn’t keep it in…
“It freakin’ is bleach. Gosh!”
I didn’t know the Marlins batboy was Napoleon!
And I didn’t know they played in Idaho!
MLB has looked the other way about this Milk Problem for years. Six games is not enough. Every game that batboy was involved in is Tainted now…
Paul: I thought it was more like those milk commercials in the 80′s..
Batboy: You guys just think I’m some dumb kid hangin’ around the dugout all the time, fetching stuff for you big guys. [voice gets deeper] But I’m drinking milk. [voice gets deeper] And it means I’m growing taller, and my bones are stronger, and one day, I’m gonna be [voice gets deeper] a big slugger just like you. [pukes]
Voiceover: Milk. It does a body good.
Batboy: Urggghhh…
81, classic post. I hope the batboy gets charged with purgery after denying he ever chugged milk, under oath, before Congress. I wonder when we’ll get a statement from the White House. This has gone on for too long. Thankfully we know Schilling will have something to say shortly.
>
“I have never chugged milk during a game”
>
“I have no idea how that milk got into my body..”
>
Felix (and the royal nickname) made Don Shanoff’s Morning Quickie list over at ESPN.com’s Page 2. It’s the first item on the list, as a matter of fact.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/quickie
Felony Assault = 20 games (or less)
Positive Steriod Test = 10 games
Drinking Milk = 6 games…
Of course, we don’t know the whole story. Maybe this kid has had problems abusing the white stuff before…
83 — “purgery”? An intriguing misspelling.