Suggested Excuses For Future Failed Steroids Tests
Michael Morse’s suspension is the third time a Mariner has been suspended for violating the new policy. It’s gotten so bad that the Sacramento Bee is asking whether steroids have replaced caffeine as Seattle’s drug of choice.
Well, at least they both beat heroin.
As Derek pointed out, though, at least Morse’s explanation was original instead of that old fallback, the “tainted supplement,” and was forthright instead of a Palmeiroesque “Winstrol? How did that get there?”
Let’s face it: between the majors and the minors, this team is probably going to need more and better excuses for getting caught.
We at USS Mariner Labs are nothing if not eager to help. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that Derek and I are two of the most helpful guys around, deserving honorary merit badges in that arena if only we’d join the Boy Scouts.
Hence, Derek and I collaborated on a handy cheatsheet (no pun intended). These are 15 potential excuses that the next 15 busted Mariners should run up the media flagpole.
The reader should note, however, that neither Derek nor I are in the running for “good taste” merit badges any time soon. So if you’re easily shocked or wish to take this list for anything but mirth … maybe you should go read something else.
Stick around for tomorrow’s post: “Part Two: Okay, I Actually Did Do Steroids, But Here’s Why I Needed To.”
The Top 15 Reasons I, Totally Clean Athlete, Tested Positive For Steroids
15. Someone must have swapped amphetamine-filled syringe, which is okay, with steroid-filled syringe, which I guess is not
14. Didn’t realize V8’s delicious blend included that kind of juice
13. Heard awesome stories of hair-metal bands injecting Jack Daniels, which it turns out is produced in same factory as Winstrol
12. Psycho ex-girlfriend slipped it into morning Ovaltine in craven attempt to ruin career.
11. Thought it would be funny to have teammate take test instead
10. Pills all look alike
9. Was told aerosal spray was test of new Axe mouth freshener
8. Swapped lunches with the Moose one day; next day, I’m lifting cars like they were paper cranes
7. Hooker who gave me pills was totally hot; I figured they were Cialis or something
6. Illiterate, can’t read labels on supplements, didn’t want to ask
5. Engaged in staring contest with opposing pitcher last year until eyes hurt; doctor diagnosed me with stare-roids, a rare iris condition that is untreatable but unfortunately all too often confused with drug abuse
4. Had Dr. Phil test supplements before use
3. Only had hot gay man-sex with other athletes, who must have used steroids
2. While helping a collapsed man in the gym, was accidentally pricked by a needle that must have contained extremely high dose of steroids
1. Blood transfusion from Barry Bonds