Carl Everett answers no questions worth asking
Largely on the basis of one report in USA Today, Seattle’s abuzz with rumors that the Mariners are reportedly close to signing Carl Everett. Without further confirmation, I’d say I think this has a slim chance of being true.
I desperately don’t want it to be true. While I think, in general, I’m a lot more tolerant of players who don’t fit into some team’s clubhouse (after all, David Ortiz got released from the Twins in part because a huge, slow slugger didn’t fit in with what they wanted from their players) there are a few players that, for whatever reason, I would not under any circumstances sign for any positional need, ever, and if I went the rest of my life knowing I lost the World Series because I didn’t sign that guy, I’d be okay with it.
Meet Carl Everett!
But we’ve seen the management, so concerned with the public image of the team, bring in Al Martin (and Ben Christensen!) so it’s not impossible that the team would bring in a guy with child-beating problems (this might deserve a longer timeline, but it’s really scummy and suspicious). Who fights with teammates. And coaches. And reporters. And managers. And umpires. Who doesn’t like homosexuals, or fans.
While it might be possible they’re willing to sign players with issues who (like Al Martin) are hard-working guys well-liked by their teammates, consider that Everett’s never spent more than two full seasons with any team in his career (though he’s spent parts of three with the White Sox). Organizations sour on him quickly.
So ignore that for a second. Pretend he’s as nice as Willie. It’s still a bad business signing. He’ll be 35 next year, which isn’t by itself disastrous, but his stats have taken a huge dive these last couple of years, and injuries have limited his playing time severely. The best you could reasonably expect from Everett is he’ll get into 140 games, maybe play some outfield corners, and hit .270/.350/.450 which doesn’t help you much compared to an average DH/LF.
Everett’s a switch-hitter, but with this lineup we can fairly assume he’ll be used as the left-handed sock the team’s wringing their hands over. v RHP:
Which about mimics his general collapse. It’s not as if his offensive decline’s due entirely to an increasing inability to hit lefties which you could try and compensate for a little by platooning him.
Plus, then he gets in a fight with me over something, like my inevitable constant stream of criticism of his poor play, runs me over with a car, and then there’s no one to pay the bandwith bill when everyone rushes to reload the site when they hear “Everett hits baseball writer with SUV, man’s life only spared by high ground clearance” and USSM goes down until I can get someone to get a new server with the money I’ll get burying Everett in lawsuits (which will have the fortunate side effect of keeping him in court and off the field)… so actually, I guess that works out okay for all of you.