Laughing at ourselves

Dave · December 16, 2005 at 10:14 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Tis a dark night, indeed. At some point in the next 48 hours, the M’s will announce the signing of Jarrod Washburn to the Eric Milton Disaster Contract. This award was previously known as the Greg Hibbard Memorial Contract, but Milton was awful enough to own the title outright going forward.

With the fanbase on the verge of jumping off a collective bridge, I feel like the situation needs a little levity. Serious analysis will come after the signing. For now, let’s all laugh ourselves to sleep.

Going shopping for Kevin Millwood and coming home with Jarrod Washburn is like fill in the blank. A few that hit me:

Ordering a pupu platter, yet being served a poo-poo platter.

Attempting to buy tickets to a DePaul basketball game, but accidentally ending up with tickets to a RuPaul show.

Drafting Baby Jordan, and then realizing that you came away with Harold Miner.

Going to see Cirque de Soleil in Vegas, but accidentally wandering into the Celine Dion concert.

Hearing Sean Connery is starring in a new film, and then seeing the League of Extraordinary Gentleman.

Being setup on a blind date by a friend with a model, and then finding out she was the before picture for a laser hair removal ad.

Like seeing 14 comments in response to a thread I posted on esoteric run values, and then realizing that 9 of them are by Corco.


39 Responses to “Laughing at ourselves”

  1. Southpaw on December 16th, 2005 10:21 pm

    “At least I don’t root for the Royals.”
    “At least I don’t root for the Royals.”
    “At least I don’t root for the Royals.”
    “At least I don’t root for the Royals.”
    “At least I don’t root for the Royals.”

  2. Gomez on December 16th, 2005 10:25 pm

    Like getting box seats from your employer for Friday’s game… to watch the Mariners lose 8-2.

  3. Chintan on December 16th, 2005 10:27 pm

    Like driving past the Brown Derby and ending up at Denny’s.

  4. Southpaw on December 16th, 2005 10:30 pm

    Like going shopping for a LF and coming with Carl Eve—wait, that’s not funny. *cries*

  5. Jeff on December 16th, 2005 10:36 pm

    Like when you respond to an ad for a classic car, and it turns out to be a Gremlin.

    Like tuning in to KEXP, and realizing you’ve tuned in to KJR.

    Like seeing a new USSM post in your RSS feed, and realizing that it’s a post by me.

    Dave, it only hurts when I laugh! Okay, it hurts other times, too.

  6. Jim Thomsen on December 16th, 2005 10:37 pm

    Like ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-in on your wedding day ….

  7. MER on December 16th, 2005 10:38 pm

    Like wining Miguel Tejada and coming home with Scott Spezio.

  8. Jim Thomsen on December 16th, 2005 10:40 pm

    Like hurrying like hell to catch the Bainbridge Island ferry … only to find you’re on your way to Bremerton instead.

  9. KC on December 16th, 2005 10:41 pm


  10. Jim Thomsen on December 16th, 2005 10:43 pm

    Like, as some sportswriter once famously said … going to bed with Bo Derek and waking up with Bo Schembechler.

  11. KC on December 16th, 2005 10:43 pm

    Just plain Hell.

  12. KingCorran on December 16th, 2005 10:50 pm

    Like signing Kevin to that big, 5 year contract. Kevin Appier.

  13. tritucker on December 16th, 2005 10:52 pm

    Like flipping to Q13 news a few minutes ago to check out Christine Chen, and seeing New York Vinnie.

  14. KC on December 16th, 2005 10:52 pm

    Like thinking “this is the worst it can get” – and then reading this:

    The Mariners have had internal discussions about Ponson, according to one club source, but it is unclear whether they have formal interest in signing him.

    “Sidney’s going to be an asset to any club that picks him up,” Hargrove said. “He has a long road ahead to re-establish himself, but Sidney has it in him. He’s a good guy and a good competitor.

    “The biggest thing with Sidney is that he’s gotten older. He’s a smart person. I like Sidney. He’s got a lot to offer.”

  15. Jim Thomsen on December 16th, 2005 10:56 pm

    Like taking a vacation to Aruba, and getting stuck on the Natalee Holloway Search Site Tour.

  16. troy on December 16th, 2005 11:03 pm

    Like opening your first Playboy only to find Rosie O’Donnell is the centerfold.

  17. Deacon Blues on December 16th, 2005 11:19 pm

    #12: No, the biggest thing with Sidney Ponson is his ass.

  18. Matt on December 16th, 2005 11:21 pm

    KSTW 11 is already running Carl Everett welcome to Seattle ads. The Washburn ones should be airing by Sunday.

  19. Jeff on December 16th, 2005 11:29 pm

    Shouldn’t we at least give Russ Ortiz an honorable mention in the Disaster Contract award?

  20. Russ on December 16th, 2005 11:31 pm

    The Corco tie-in made me laugh out loud.

  21. Jim Thomsen on December 16th, 2005 11:38 pm

    Like seeking your soulmate … and finding it in your cellmate.

  22. Chris Miller on December 16th, 2005 11:39 pm

    That’s hillarious Dave !!!

    This is really bad. The only way it could get worse is if we offer Spiro’s Best arbitration (or worse a contract) AND/OR sign Aruba’s most notorious MLB pitcher too (which could be a gem in the rough, but probably not). Scary thing is, it looks like 1 of the 2 will happen (Franky most likely).

    You guys (and alot of the posters) are right. Washburn is thr LH Franklin, plus a few strikeouts (but not much in ’05), but plus a few BB too, EVERY THING ELSE is almost identical about the two. Shave 1/2 run off Washburn for being left handed and hope Jaime can impart the mastery of the circle change and LH soft-tosser skullduggery onto Jarrod, but I wouldn’t risk signing him.

    Here’s my vote to NOT make that move (probably too late), NOT offer Spiro’s finest arbitration, let Aruba’s finest get arrested under someone elses watch (unless he says 2-4 for 1-2 years AT most) rip some other team off (*free wins).

    .500 here we come. I figure, w/ Felix, and four #4-#5 pitchers we’re 750 runs. If our offense is 750 runs, we’re .500. An injury or four and we’re 70 wins again. We could still make the playoffs, but it would take the baseball gods having a bad hair day and deciding the A’s need to be taught a less for their mortal arogance (or maybe Beane is one of them). I’d say 75-85 with 80 as the mean would be my over/under on wins right now with 70-72 / 88-90 being extreme out-liers. Our division is historicaly and probably regaining (A’s, Angles, AND Texas!) the title of “baseballs best division”.

    There’s some reason to be excited thot. Hopefully some combination of Soriano, Snelling, Nageotte, Lopez, Reed, Beltre, Sexson, HERNANDEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Betancourt, Johjima, Clement, Jones, Cabrera, Ichiro!!, Sherril, Atchison, Putz, Carvajal, Foppert, Tuiasosopo, Millwood (one can only dream, right?) pan ouy. We’ve got some promising prospects from some shistey/lucky trades and some occasionaly great scouting. We’ve been screwed by luck too, IMHO. Bavasi could be a good GM on the right team, he’s sincere to the players and can manipulate pople in a positive way, BUT we’re cheap-skates, and he’s willing to play along, to save his job.

    I see some gems in the roughs, but Bloomquists/Franlins/Harris’ in the rough scare me.

    And finaly, one last point (all this falls into drunken sabermetrics BTW): 2003 Ryan Franklin = 2005 Jarrod Washburn. Danger Will Robinson!

  23. Chris Miller on December 16th, 2005 11:44 pm

    * OH, and Free Wins are my new stat for the number of wins given to other teams by lettign them sign the Greg Hibbard Memorial Contract, wich is 100% fitcional

  24. Southpaw on December 16th, 2005 11:50 pm

    There may be a lot to be excited about, but it is all moot unless the team wins and I just don’t see how that’s now possible for the next 4 years.

  25. Jake L. on December 16th, 2005 11:53 pm

    Like rooting for the Mariners, and realizing that they’re turning into the Cubs. Wait, that’s actually happening…..

  26. KC on December 16th, 2005 11:55 pm

    like hearing angels singing on high, but its actually Angels laughing down South.

  27. joealb on December 16th, 2005 11:56 pm

    Like trading a left handed pitching prospect for an All Star 3rd baseman and ending up with Jeff Cirillo.

  28. Jake L. on December 17th, 2005 12:06 am

    It’s like buying a “Caddyshack” DVD on eBay for $19.99, and then opening the package a few days later, and pulling out “Caddyshack II”.

  29. matthew on December 17th, 2005 12:13 am

    Like going to bed with Christie Brinkley and waking up with David Brinkley.

    Like going to bed with 1980s Paula Abdul and waking up with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

    Like listening to a no hitter in the 9th inning and listening to the 1st hit being given up to a player that we traded away recently.

  30. Chris Miller on December 17th, 2005 12:15 am

    I got an idea. In protest of recent M’s FO stupity, everyone who gives a damn should order and wear, a vintage 1980’s pitchfork M’s logo hat or jersey. I’m getting my hat tommorow (or at least ordering it).

  31. adam on December 17th, 2005 12:56 am

    Isn’t there some way that we can stop this? Outside of assasination.

    Carl Everett and Jarrod Washburn?

    Is he really this bad of a GM? How can a guy like this get such an important job?

    All I can say is bring back Gil Meche and Ryan Franklin and get ready for some fun. Washburn and all of the mediocre pitchers the Mariners are putting out there need a guy like Cameron in center to have any chance at success.

    Does Bavasi have any strengths? I think a post evaluating Bavasi would be nice right about now. And please, get him to do another feed…….please. I would LOVE to hear him explain this, “Well Washburn is a innings eater, and we have alot of money to blow on average pitchers” …..”Everett had 80 RBI’s 80!!!”

  32. Terry on December 17th, 2005 2:39 am

    I think you guys should count your blessings….denny neagle hasnt been given a workout…

  33. Rusty on December 17th, 2005 8:00 am

    Okay, the Corco comment made me laugh out loud. I know Corco has a good sense of humor about these things. And frankly we all need a good sense of humor, now and for at least 4 years. *wink*

  34. bammer on December 17th, 2005 9:00 am

    like holding the lead torch in an attempted witchunt(Carl E)and posting sensational propoganda to rally the morality police in baseball fans only to end up wrong and censoring anyone who wants to discuss how foolish the stone casters were acting.

    And no one made a fuss about how Big Sexy behaved when the story of the golf course attendant surfaced in regards to Boonie.

  35. Colm on December 17th, 2005 10:29 am

    Oh my God this is dreadful.

    I went to bed still thinking of the PI headline I saw yesterday that said the Mariners were still industry favorites to sign Millwood.

    Then I look at USSM and discover this…

    I thought Bavasi was intelligent! This is an off-season worthy of Jim Bowden.

  36. Colm on December 17th, 2005 10:35 am

    And now I read that they’re going to trade Reed for Bronson Arroyo

    If the M’s are going to roll out nothing but flyball pitchers (El Rey excepted) they’ll somebody in center to catch some of those flyballs. What in the hell is outfield going to look like?

    Everett in left, Ichiro in center and Ibanez in right? Is there any way to stop this madness? This is OUR team, not Bavasi’s.

  37. Jim Thomsen on December 17th, 2005 10:46 am

    I call on USS Mariner, in lieu of a winter pizza feed, to host a “Spirits & Seppuku” party. We’ll drink, laugh, lament … then engage in the ancient Japanese ritual of disembowelment simultaneously at the Safeco gate.

  38. TedinSF on December 17th, 2005 3:57 pm

    can’t we get millwood, too? pretty please?

  39. Jake in Palo Alto on December 18th, 2005 10:19 pm

    2004 Beltre in 2006 = .500+ record.