The Goatee Conspiracy

DMZ · December 17, 2005 at 12:37 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Eric Blankenship wrote in with this explanation for recent Mariner moves, which I present for your consideration and amusement:

As you know, Bill Bavasi’s slender mug is home to one of the finest and most meticulously groomed goatees on earth. Most of us have been guilty, at one time or another, of losing ourselves for seconds on end within his goatee’s perfect matrimony of shape and linearity. Obviously, Bavasi is a man who takes great pride in his goatee and the goatees of others. Some people even say Bavasi is obsessed with the goatee, but only because they lack the necessary faciluties required to fully comprehend the sheer divine magnitude harbored by the goatee.

Everybody knows that a man becomes 160% more handsome when he surrounds his mouth with a well-manicured wreath of hair. But what most people don’t know is that the power of the goatee extends well beyond the realm of raw animal magnetism.

Scientists have recently discovered what Bavasi already knew, that a finely groomed goatee can dramatically enhance the tools of a baseball player. With enough facial hair an average pitch can gain late life. Modest gap power transforms into plus power. Even an aging veteran who spent the majority of his career with a clean-shaven mug can sprout a goatee and reverse the deterioration of his quick-twitch muscle fibers. These are just a few examples of the many, many benefits the goatee has on individual baseball performance.

Since he began his tenure as General Manager of the Seattle Mariners, Bavasi has openly celebrated his eternal love for the goatee by creating a beautiful painting using the free-agent market as his palette, the players as his paint, and the team as his canvas. Behold:

Traded Carlos Guillen (no goatee)
Non-tendered Mike Cameron (no goatee)
Re-signed Ryan Franklin (goatee)
Signed Eddie Guardado (goatee)
Signed Rich Aurilia (goatee)
Signed Ron Villone (goatee)
Signed Scott Speizio (goatee)
Signed Raul Ibanez (goatee)
Acquired Wiki Gonzalez (part-time goatee)
Signed Richie Sexson (discreet goatee)
Signed Adrian Beltre (failure to abide goatee clause in contract triggered slump)
Acquired Yorman Borzado (goatee)
Acquired Jesse Foppert (goatee)
Signed Carl Everett (goatee)
Trying to trade away Jeremy Reed (no goatee)
Showed interest in signing Bill Mueller (goatee)
Currently trying to sign Kevin Millwood (goatee)
Currently trying to sign Jarrod Washburn (goatee)
Showed interest in Scot Elarton (full beard can easily be trimmed down to goatee)
Currently trying to acquire Matt Clement (paintbrush goatee)
Showing interest in Trot Nixon (goatee)
Showing interest in Aubrey Huff (goatee)
Rumored to have interest in Manny Ramirez (lethargic goatee)

And this list is only the tip of the ice beard . . . oops, ice berg. My apologies to Bavasi for the dozens of goatee-driven roster moves (and non-moves) I failed to mention. I also omitted the most heart-wrenching move Bavasi has ever made, the dealing away of Miguel Olivo whose still-developing goatee was obviously better suited for the National League style of goatee.

You Goatee Love These Guys!


21 Responses to “The Goatee Conspiracy”

  1. Jim Thomsen on December 17th, 2005 12:51 am

    Well, he’s got my goatee.

    Damn, that’s funny. And insightful. I wish I was one of those people smart enough to see the hidden patterns in things. Well done, Eric.

  2. shaun on December 17th, 2005 12:53 am

    Let us not forget Mike Morse’s (occasional) goatee!

  3. Deanna on December 17th, 2005 1:28 am

    Wait, wait, but Matt Thornton doesn’t have a goatee and George Sherrill does. I call foul.

  4. Conor Glassey on December 17th, 2005 1:51 am


  5. GWO on December 17th, 2005 2:22 am

    Goatee? Lambs to the slaughter, more like.

  6. Replacement Level Poster on December 17th, 2005 2:42 am

    Actually I’m almost wondering if Bill has an option year after next, with a buyout that pays him 80% of what he would have received had he been kept on. He must have decided at one point that he’d rather get paid 80% to stay at home, then work and get the full 100%. Thats the only way I can figure it out anyways.

  7. Aaron on December 17th, 2005 6:12 am

    Well I’ve got a goatee, and even though I can’t hit, that wouldn’t really seperate me all that much from many of the players. Alas, I haven’t got the call yet.

  8. firova on December 17th, 2005 6:42 am

    Well, GQ declared the goatee dead about three years ago, and obviously Billy and his signees didn’t get the message. Maybe if they all shaved and updated their look the stat lines would improve. At this point, I’ll take anything for a little hope. Start the campaign? Perhaps USS Mariner readers should begin by shaving theirs in protest of the GM’s moves.

  9. Dave Sund on December 17th, 2005 7:14 am

    Wait, firova, I think you may have stumbled on to something here: he’s making all of his moves as if they were three years in the past. Back when Jarrod Washburn was a world series winner and Carl Everettt had Arlington-inflated stats.

  10. Roger on December 17th, 2005 8:40 am

    The goatee only died three years ago?

  11. Mike Snow on December 17th, 2005 8:59 am

    Well, Bavasi’s goatee may look good, but Ibanez’s is indescribably awful. He just doesn’t have the right facial structure to wear one.

  12. Ron Fairly on December 17th, 2005 9:06 am

    the M’s should go for the all chin curtain team:

  13. lefty on December 17th, 2005 9:07 am

    I am currently sporting a beard, that could easily be trimmed into a goatee. I have no discernable baseball skills. However, I have been described as “intense” and “determined”. Any room in the payroll for me? League minimum?

  14. Dick Pole on December 17th, 2005 9:32 am

    Nice posting #12. Beat me to the punch. Look closely fellow and ladies, a Goatee is not a Van Dyke and vice versa. We should be talking Van Dykes. Common mistake among the facial hair discussion boards.

  15. Jim Thomsen on December 17th, 2005 10:21 am

    Let’s not forget soul patches … this is Apolo-Ohno-is-God country, after all.

  16. Eric Blankenship on December 17th, 2005 11:19 am

    #14 – I realize the majority of those guys, including Bavasi, sport Van Dykes . . . but it’s like the tomato. The perfect way to derail any conversation which casually involves the tomato (i.e. who has the best pizza in town, what you should throw at Bavasi if see him on the produce isle, etc.) is to mention that the tomato is a fruit, and not a vegetable. Outrage is usually followed by an existential debate that continues until nobody can remember what the original conversation was about.

    Plus, the last time I said “Van Dyke” in front of my wife I got slapped.

  17. Dave in Palo Alto on December 17th, 2005 12:16 pm

    If Bavasi looking for the right beard guys, he should go for the best.

  18. Spaceboy on December 17th, 2005 12:30 pm

    I think I’ve figured this all out. Bavasi is living out the plot of Karate Kid III. He is playing the role of Sensei John Creese, wronged by Daniel-San and Mr. Miyagi, and is now working his way back to screwing them over by having his rich buddy pretend to be Daniel-San’s new sensei. Not only does he attempt to ruin his relationship between Mr. Miyagi, but also provides him a false sense of superiority in his supposed karate teachings.

    In this case, Bavasi, wronged by the Mariners when he was the GM of the Angels in 1995 (then went onto be fired, and promptly won the World Series 2 years later), is now the GM of the Mariners and aims to destroy our team by loading it up with bloated contracts and horrible players. His goal is not just to create a horrible team, but to bring the entire organization down as well.

    I knew watching Karate Kid III over and over again on showtime and HBO would ultimately pay off one day. Now, if only Mr. Miyagi hadn’t died, he could have saved us all from the evil Bill Bavasi.

  19. Mike on December 17th, 2005 5:15 pm

    Now its was time for Eric Blankenship’s painful elimination of the daaaaaaaaay!

  20. matthew on December 17th, 2005 6:09 pm

    Thank you for this Eric. We Ms fans need every laugh we can get these days 🙂

  21. Jake in Palo Alto on December 18th, 2005 10:26 pm

    Let’s not forget the departures of Edgar and Boone as well