The Goatee Conspiracy
Eric Blankenship wrote in with this explanation for recent Mariner moves, which I present for your consideration and amusement:
As you know, Bill BavasiÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s slender mug is home to one of the finest and most meticulously groomed goatees on earth. Most of us have been guilty, at one time or another, of losing ourselves for seconds on end within his goateeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s perfect matrimony of shape and linearity. Obviously, Bavasi is a man who takes great pride in his goatee and the goatees of others. Some people even say Bavasi is obsessed with the goatee, but only because they lack the necessary faciluties required to fully comprehend the sheer divine magnitude harbored by the goatee.
Everybody knows that a man becomes 160% more handsome when he surrounds his mouth with a well-manicured wreath of hair. But what most people donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know is that the power of the goatee extends well beyond the realm of raw animal magnetism.
Scientists have recently discovered what Bavasi already knew, that a finely groomed goatee can dramatically enhance the tools of a baseball player. With enough facial hair an average pitch can gain late life. Modest gap power transforms into plus power. Even an aging veteran who spent the majority of his career with a clean-shaven mug can sprout a goatee and reverse the deterioration of his quick-twitch muscle fibers. These are just a few examples of the many, many benefits the goatee has on individual baseball performance.
Since he began his tenure as General Manager of the Seattle Mariners, Bavasi has openly celebrated his eternal love for the goatee by creating a beautiful painting using the free-agent market as his palette, the players as his paint, and the team as his canvas. Behold:
Traded Carlos Guillen (no goatee)
Non-tendered Mike Cameron (no goatee)
Re-signed Ryan Franklin (goatee)
Signed Eddie Guardado (goatee)
Signed Rich Aurilia (goatee)
Signed Ron Villone (goatee)
Signed Scott Speizio (goatee)
Signed Raul Ibanez (goatee)
Acquired Wiki Gonzalez (part-time goatee)
Signed Richie Sexson (discreet goatee)
Signed Adrian Beltre (failure to abide goatee clause in contract triggered slump)
Acquired Yorman Borzado (goatee)
Acquired Jesse Foppert (goatee)
Signed Carl Everett (goatee)
Trying to trade away Jeremy Reed (no goatee)
Showed interest in signing Bill Mueller (goatee)
Currently trying to sign Kevin Millwood (goatee)
Currently trying to sign Jarrod Washburn (goatee)
Showed interest in Scot Elarton (full beard can easily be trimmed down to goatee)
Currently trying to acquire Matt Clement (paintbrush goatee)
Showing interest in Trot Nixon (goatee)
Showing interest in Aubrey Huff (goatee)
Rumored to have interest in Manny Ramirez (lethargic goatee)
And this list is only the tip of the ice beard . . . oops, ice berg. My apologies to Bavasi for the dozens of goatee-driven roster moves (and non-moves) I failed to mention. I also omitted the most heart-wrenching move Bavasi has ever made, the dealing away of Miguel Olivo whose still-developing goatee was obviously better suited for the National League style of goatee.
You Goatee Love These Guys!