The Mariners’ Revenge Song

Jeff · January 4, 2006 at 8:26 am · Filed Under Mariners 

There are two tragedies to which I would like to alert you. First, as you’ve no doubt noticed, our compadre Peter has been forced by circumstance to adopt a posting schedule best described as “occasional.”

This is a loss for us all, since Peter’s got a terrific analytic mind and an artistic bent. I’d say that even if he didn’t owe me money.*

The second tragedy: To date, the Mariners have not developed a fight song. College football teams are inspired by them, and I can’t help but think the hometown nine would be as well. Put your hand down, Zumsteg, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” does not count.

Drawing on our mutual affection for music, Peter and I have rectified both tragedies. And by “Peter and I,” I mean, “Peter had an idea, and I waited until he stopped posting before stealing it.”

One of us pointed out that an excellent band, The Decemberists, has a song entitled “The Mariner’s Revenge Song.” Given how the M’s have been kicked around over the course of their history — and in the past few years — the other of us reasoned that the tune would lend itself well to parody.

[Before anyone asks: The Decemberists, like Peter, are not “emo.” I am “emo.”]

Let me strongly recommend checking out the song if you have yet to do so. This will enhance the experience considerably. If you enjoy the new lyrics, please remember: timely theft means that I deserve all the credit. Should you dislike it, please: convey all blame to Peter, who has a thicker skin than this shrinking violet. If you really hate it, Jeff Sullivan wrote it. Or Devin. Yeah, Devin.

What follows will be the best baseball fight song ever to involve mandolin, accordion and tuba. May it strike fear in the hearts of our enemies. I hope, in the words of Tom Lehrer, they are half as scared as I.

But then, I’m an emo kid with too many feelings. So it is with a single tear dripping from my left eye that I present to you:

The Mariners’ Revenge Song**
With sincere apologies to The Decemberists, Peter White and all people of good taste everywhere. Original lyrics.

They are the Mariners
There have been few teams worse
Over the last few seasons, true …
But we the faithful sing
of that World Series ring
that inspires fans like me and you.

They remember us as once best
In the lonely AL West
But those days are faded and burned

Our rivals emboldened
This status quo must end
And so the tide it will be turned.

We will not take
That cramped back seat again
To Beane and Hicks, Moreno
And their friends
(no, no)

Those Texas Rangers lads
All cheap and talented
They think Teixeira is all that

And how they took Millwood
When Washburn’s just as good***
Unless Will Bloomquist is at bat

We’ll show our southern foes’ weak pitching staff
If Carl Everett can hit you, it is to laugh …
(ho, ho)

And Mr. Moneyball
Who’s hated most of all
By the likes of Joe Morgan
We’ll sweep our slate with thee
And Charlie O. Finley
Will roll in his orange grave again

That fair day
We’ll gather in the spring,
lift our voices and then start to sing:
(whoa, whoa)

“Find them, find them
Lock them in the restroom with Jeff Liefer
Keep them
Fearing Ichiro until they wake up, screaming, from
dreams of being gunned down at third.”

Then there is Anaheim
We’ll taunt them with this rhyme
Say “you’re not really from L.A.”

But those aren’t all our tricks
We’ll claim we’ve cloned Felix
The King is pitching every day!

They may question our wits
or whether we’re sober
But we will never once turn our minds
From the thought of October
(yo, yo)

And then, that fateful night
When victory’s in sight
After two lifetimes, it seems
It’ll be the seventh game
Hernandez throwing flame
To make come true the lifelong dream.

It may be a sign
Of the end times
Or not;
But we’ve kept faith
As long as Bonds’
home-run trot.

(so …)

Don’t know how we survived
Those years since ’95
Only 2001 sustained
But, oh, what providence
That gave us sustenance
The wins numbered
one-hundred sixteen.

They’ll come again, hot summers sweet with wins
After three decades we can surely wait ‘til then


* Peter doesn’t actually owe me money as far as I know.
** Note how apostrophe placement changes meaning. It’s the little things like that you get with USSM.
*** No, I don’t actually believe this. Shh. They’ll hear you.


27 Responses to “The Mariners’ Revenge Song”

  1. Jimmie the Geek on January 4th, 2006 9:10 am

    You gotta love USSM. Insightful baseball analysis and references to cool bands, too! I’m going to ahve to go spend some of the money I saved not getting season tickets again this year on Picaresque.


  2. joealb on January 4th, 2006 9:15 am

    Ah, a moment of levity. Thanks Jeff.

  3. msb on January 4th, 2006 9:31 am

    I suppose “lock them in the video room with Olerud” didn’t really scan….

    very nice– it’s hard to beat “Fight Fiercely, Harvard”, though….

  4. Evan on January 4th, 2006 9:33 am

    Commas? I always thought those were called apostrophes.

  5. Jeff on January 4th, 2006 9:41 am

    Apologies. I’m so hopped up on Theraflu I can see through time. (As if you couldn’t tell by the post.) Fixed.

  6. eponymous coward on January 4th, 2006 9:57 am

    Don’t cry, emo kid…

  7. Jeff on January 4th, 2006 9:59 am

    The genius of Tom Lehrer cannot be overstated.

    He is the only one that feels my emo pain.

  8. marc w on January 4th, 2006 10:32 am

    Nice, Jeff. Now does anyone around here know how to play a rockin’ accordion?
    Screw banging arhythmically on some drums – having a couple people play the accordion chorus part to this song would probably really get under the skin of players and visiting angels fans.

  9. Mike G. on January 4th, 2006 10:37 am

    Some how I think it’s appropriate that the Mariner’s have an 8 minute fight song. After all it’s going to be quite some time before they right their ship.

  10. Deanna on January 4th, 2006 10:37 am

    I’m sad, because I’ve never heard the original song, so I can’t appreciate this quite correctly. And you know me and my joy for writing baseball parody lyrics…

  11. J-Bird on January 4th, 2006 10:56 am

    Brilliant! I was compelled as far as to pull up the original song on my mp3 player so as better follow the new lyrics.

  12. Joshua Buergel on January 4th, 2006 11:06 am

    I did the same as J-Bird, and pulled up the original as well. Fun! And Deanna, you can certainly listen for yourself next time you’re over.

  13. Jeff Sullivan on January 4th, 2006 11:31 am

    Wait a second.

  14. msb on January 4th, 2006 11:34 am

    #8– consider this a shout-out to Toby Hansen

  15. msb on January 4th, 2006 11:35 am

    sorry, Hanson. Must get the Scandinavian name-enders correct 🙂

  16. David* on January 4th, 2006 12:29 pm

    I love the Decemberists. I gave 2 copies of Picaresque as Christmas presents….anyone into watching a great live band needs to check them out.

  17. gregod on January 4th, 2006 12:33 pm

    I went to school with Toby Hanson. I could probably get him to record it, but only if Jeff takes full responsibility.

  18. DMZ on January 4th, 2006 12:49 pm

    Toby! Yayyyy! We should totally do this.

  19. msb on January 4th, 2006 12:50 pm

    I miss Toby.

  20. peter on January 4th, 2006 12:57 pm

    Now Jeff, about that money you owe me…

  21. msb on January 4th, 2006 12:57 pm

    I say next pizza feed includes the Ichiro! tv episode (with simultaneous translation from Deanna) plus a hearty rendition of the Mariners’ Revenge Song by Toby.

  22. Mr. Egaas on January 4th, 2006 1:16 pm

    It should be noted that the track before The Mariners’ Revenge Song, On the Bus Mall, is one of the better ones I’ve heard in quite some time.

    Good live band too. Saw ’em at the Showbox last year.

  23. Dave Clapper on January 4th, 2006 1:59 pm

    Any thread with references to both Tom Lehrer and Toby Hanson in it is a good thread.

  24. msb on January 4th, 2006 2:16 pm

    maybe Toby can play some Tom Lehrer as an encore.

  25. Deanna on January 4th, 2006 2:32 pm

    I was trying to come up with lyrics to “The Arbitration Tango” a few weeks ago, but worried the audience was too small to be worth the effort. Maybe I should revisit that.

    21 – Yow. First someone has to get ahold of the episode — has anyone yet? I nominate Jeff to translate it.

  26. terry on January 4th, 2006 3:08 pm

    Sorry in advance for hijacking the thread. That being said, how about a haiku? 🙂

    [your comment gone
    ripples in a pond settle
    into memory]

  27. marc w on January 4th, 2006 4:12 pm

    And hey, The Decemberists’ Colin Meloy is coming back through Seattle on 1/18 on his solo tour. Maybe we can demand that he record a version of the song with these new lyrics.

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