Caple on The King

Dave · April 13, 2006 at 12:30 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

In case you forgot it was Felix Day, and you know who you are, Jim Caple tosses us a Felix worship piece at ESPN. It’s typical Caple. The intro:

Now that Felix Hernandez is no longer a teenager (he turned 20 on Saturday), the Mariners will stop pampering their star prospect.

Oh, they’ll still only pitch him on Catholic feast days in months that have an R in them. And they’ll still sacrifice a rooster and bury a potato in the mound at midnight under a full moon before his starts. And they’ll make sure he is vaccinated against rubella, typhoid, tetanus, polio, whooping cough and dengue fever. And they’ll still make sure he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber the night before a game, avoids direct sunlight the day of a game and wears ChapStick and 50-block sunscreen during the game. And they’ll still check the wind speed before game time to make sure it isn’t blowing more than 4.73 miles per hour from the north-northwest. And he’ll still eat only organic vegetables and wait at least wait one hour after eating a meal before stepping onto the field. And they’ll still have a Brinks crew drive him in from the bullpen for the first pitch and have a Cub Scout walk him back to the mound each inning. And they’ll still have a team doctor monitor his blood pressure between pitches and still pack him in a padded container between innings. And after the game, they’ll still have the team trainer and a Swiss masseuse rub down his right arm with Bengay, flaxseed oil, Brylcreem, Heinz 57, Neatsfoot oil, holy water and WD-40, wrap it with four rolls of duct tape and then store him in a wine cellar at a precise temperature of 55 degrees with a humidity level of exactly 79 percent. And after the season, they’ll once again seal him in carbonite and store him next to Han Solo for the winter.

Funny, fluffy, and Seattle-oriented? Check. Go Caple go.


33 Responses to “Caple on The King”

  1. Dave on April 13th, 2006 12:36 pm

    I like the Brinks crew and Cub Scout idea the best.

  2. eponymous coward on April 13th, 2006 12:55 pm

    Happy Felix Day!

  3. Brian Rust on April 13th, 2006 1:02 pm

    Today IS Holy Thursday. Not technically a feast day but it marks the Last Supper.

  4. JoeM on April 13th, 2006 1:05 pm

    Was wondering when we’d get the link. Good stuff. Better yet my new USSM t-shirt arrived yesterday. Now if Felix can find his control in this game and the bats stay warm it’ll be a perfect day.

  5. Ed on April 13th, 2006 1:12 pm

    Stuck at work on Felix Day. I think it’s time to start campaigning for a Northwest-wide holiday.

  6. ballgame on April 13th, 2006 1:26 pm

    Felix needs to get it done today. Viva el King! Moyer is scheduled to go against Boston on Friday. They always kill him. Good grief. It is like having dessert first, then having to eat a cold plate of lima beans and brussel sprouts.

  7. Austin Kearns, International Man of Injury on April 13th, 2006 1:49 pm

    If only they treated Doyle like that.

  8. Jake on April 13th, 2006 1:51 pm

    Spiezio Season Watch: 0-4. Just flew out against Turnbow.

  9. Jeff Nye on April 13th, 2006 1:53 pm

    Hah! That quote is awesome. Good stuff. I particularly like the part about storing him in a padded container between innings.

  10. chrisisasavage on April 13th, 2006 1:54 pm

    Yeah, I was thinking Kind Felix vs. Jason Johnson SHOULD be one of the more lopsided pitching matchups of the year, BUT I wouldnt put it past Clevelands offense (or our offense, or worse yet our bullpen) to change the game in clevelands favor.

  11. Brian Rust on April 13th, 2006 1:57 pm

    The first two in Cleveland drew 17.6 and 14.8. It will be interesting to see if discernably more show up to see King Felix.

  12. loki on April 13th, 2006 1:57 pm

    Yay, Felix Day #2! I remembered to wear my shirt this time!

    I love my “Felix is my king” shirt, but I wish I’d gotten the regular white T-shirt instead of the fancy super-soft organic cotton one because the crown emblem doesn’t show up well against the off-white shirt color. Oooh, I could just order a new shiny white one… hm…

  13. Dr. Johan on April 13th, 2006 2:03 pm

    Dude, I’m supposed to go to this Anthropology lecture today, for extra-credit. I’ve got a C+ in that class, so I gotta get my grade up..but its from 4:00 to 5:30. So freak that, I’m watching the game. A C+ is good enough, and its only 10 points anyways.

  14. msb on April 13th, 2006 2:11 pm

    #12– not that I’d discourage anyone from buying more shirts, but it’s the same with the white one– I have tried to brush that imaginary smudge off the front more times….

  15. robbbbbb on April 13th, 2006 2:13 pm

    The carbonite idea is the best.

    “I love you, Felix!”

    “I know.”

  16. Thingray on April 13th, 2006 2:17 pm

    Happy Felix Day everybody! All hail the King!

    I am stuck at work, and then have to go directly to my rec league softball game, so I will miss the whole game (except what I can catch on the radio between work and the ballfield). 🙁

  17. loki on April 13th, 2006 2:30 pm

    #14 – thanks for the tip. I’m sure there are other USSM shirts I’ll want, so I’ll just order a different one next time.

  18. msb on April 13th, 2006 2:44 pm

    I am strangely drawn to Ambivalent Maybe Logo #1

  19. Evan on April 13th, 2006 2:52 pm

    Organic vegetables? He’ll get parasites! Quick, someone get some DDT!

  20. Ed on April 13th, 2006 3:18 pm
  21. Ed on April 13th, 2006 3:19 pm

    Ha ha. Okay, pretend “John Kruk” started that first sentence, and it was the only linked part instead of everything else, and that would be as I imagined that posting.

    Erm.. like John Kruk, maybe?

  22. dogboy on April 13th, 2006 3:20 pm

    If you haven’t heard it already, check out today’s ESPN Baseball Tonight podcast. Rob Neyer talks about Felix (and how there’s very little buzz about Felix in Seattle).

  23. Jim Thomsen on April 13th, 2006 3:29 pm

    I’d put my life-size Felix action figure on my shelf alongside my 1974 Oscar Goldman (mint condition) and Bionic Woman (1976, excellent condition).

  24. msb on April 13th, 2006 3:31 pm

    #22– Is Rob spending a lot of time listening/watching/reading the Seattle media from the wilds of North Portland?

  25. zzyzx on April 13th, 2006 3:33 pm

    Felix is my King was a limited design. You can’t get one now.

  26. Dave on April 13th, 2006 3:42 pm

    Rob Neyer, the Felix Hernandez of Irrelevance.

  27. Jim Thomsen on April 13th, 2006 3:45 pm

    What HAPPENED to Neyer? He used to be almost authoritative and well-respected a while back.

  28. Dave on April 13th, 2006 3:56 pm

    He’s focused on his book writing career and raising a family. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it did effectively end his tenure as a useful commentator on the current game.

  29. Evan on April 13th, 2006 4:07 pm

    Neyer was just at the tail end of the useful part of his career when I became a stathead (mid-2000).

  30. zzyzx on April 13th, 2006 4:07 pm

    Also he got behind the ESPN payment wall.

  31. Dave on April 13th, 2006 4:14 pm

    He’d been mailing it in before that, though.

  32. zzyzx on April 13th, 2006 9:03 pm

    Yeah but it doesn’t inspire you to write when you know that no one’s reading.

  33. Ed on April 13th, 2006 9:12 pm

    Rob Neyer was the one who introduced me to more stat-minded baseball, too (late 2000-early ’01), so I was pretty mad when he got stuck in the Insider stuff. Regardless of whether he’d slipped, it was interesting and new to me.

    These days I swear everything baseball-related but Caple’s goofy articles and Page 2 is Insider. ESPN’s only useful for box scores. I suppose I don’t mind too much, though, as this site’s got way better baseball insight than ESPN and just happens to be centered on my favorite sports team.

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