Caple on The King
In case you forgot it was Felix Day, and you know who you are, Jim Caple tosses us a Felix worship piece at ESPN. It’s typical Caple. The intro:
Now that Felix Hernandez is no longer a teenager (he turned 20 on Saturday), the Mariners will stop pampering their star prospect.
Oh, they’ll still only pitch him on Catholic feast days in months that have an R in them. And they’ll still sacrifice a rooster and bury a potato in the mound at midnight under a full moon before his starts. And they’ll make sure he is vaccinated against rubella, typhoid, tetanus, polio, whooping cough and dengue fever. And they’ll still make sure he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber the night before a game, avoids direct sunlight the day of a game and wears ChapStick and 50-block sunscreen during the game. And they’ll still check the wind speed before game time to make sure it isn’t blowing more than 4.73 miles per hour from the north-northwest. And he’ll still eat only organic vegetables and wait at least wait one hour after eating a meal before stepping onto the field. And they’ll still have a Brinks crew drive him in from the bullpen for the first pitch and have a Cub Scout walk him back to the mound each inning. And they’ll still have a team doctor monitor his blood pressure between pitches and still pack him in a padded container between innings. And after the game, they’ll still have the team trainer and a Swiss masseuse rub down his right arm with Bengay, flaxseed oil, Brylcreem, Heinz 57, Neatsfoot oil, holy water and WD-40, wrap it with four rolls of duct tape and then store him in a wine cellar at a precise temperature of 55 degrees with a humidity level of exactly 79 percent. And after the season, they’ll once again seal him in carbonite and store him next to Han Solo for the winter.
Funny, fluffy, and Seattle-oriented? Check. Go Caple go.