Game 14, Mariners at Red Sox
8:05 AM. Radio only. I don’t think I’ll even be able to get this on MLB Extra Innings if I skipped out on work (not that I’d consider staying home from work to watch a Meche start, or anything. I’m totally happy with my job. No, really. Don’t send me job openings for program managers or anything.)
I understand that this bizarre start time is due to Patriot’s Day, which celebrates the April 19, 1775 Battle of Lexington and Concord. British Army troops were ordered to capture a strategic Dunkin’ Donuts franchise in Concord that was supplying colonial troops with delicious circular fried dough rations, hot coffee, and was a bastion of local outrageous accents.
The British were confronted by a small group of hardcore punk groups at Lexington, but their numbers were too small and they were forced to flee and nurse their anger. They were finally turned back at Concord by Minutemen and hassled by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and other ska bands, inflicting heavy casualties and emboldening future generations to do the running man free of the tyranny of Liam and Noel Gallagher.
Also the Boston Marathon is today. Sacrifice your knees while suffering excruciating pain masked by the conflict between your body’s fevered attempts to shut you down and your brain’s manic release of endorphins to mask the torture you’re going through. If you can run a seven minute mile, you should be running, not reading this. Unless you’re reading this just before the race starts.
After the game ends, the crowd is let out to the finish line, where they tell all the runners what a great game they missed, and relate the exploits of the beleoved hometown team.