Offseason Adventure

DMZ · November 22, 2006 at 8:29 pm · Filed Under Mariners 


You are in an open offseason in your office in the headquarters of a successful west coast baseball team. It is dark and raining here. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
There is a suitcase here.
There is a neatly stacked set of travel documents here.

> examine documents

You have been booked on a ten PM redeye flight from Seattle to Naples, Florida. There is a long layover in Atlanta.

> oh, no.

I don't understand that.

An staffer enters your office.
"Sir? I'm ready to drive you to Seatac. Oh, Lee says that the Cubs signed Aramis Ramirez."

> examine Aramis Ramirez signing

Aramis Ramirez signed for $75m over 5 years.

> what?

You must supply a direct object.

> are you kidding me?

I don't understand that.

> fly to Naples

After a forgettable flight and a layover you wish you could forget, you arrive in Naples, Florida.

You are in Naples, west of a big white hotel.

Billy Beane is here.

> say "Hey, Billy"

Billy sighs and pretends not to notice you.

> examine hotel

It's a nice hotel.

Billy Beane is here.

> poke Billy

Billy glares at you.

> say "Sorry"

Billy sighs and pretends not to notice you.

> enter hotel

You enter the hotel. Behind you, Billy Beane answers his cell phone.

You are in a hotel lobby, with baseball people all round you.
Jim Bowden is here.
Jim Hendry is here.
"I signed all the good minor league free agents," Jim Bowden says.
Jim Bowden laughs at you.

> examine Jim Bowden

You see nothing special about Jim Bowden.

> wish Jim Bowden good luck

Jim Bowden smiles happily.

> punch Hendry

Hendry ducks your blow.
"Ha, ha, you kidder, Bill!"

> punch Hendry

Hendry ducks your blow.
"Ha, ha, you kidder, Bill!"

> go to room

"See you, Bill!"

You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> sleep

It is November 14th. You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> go downstairs

You are in a hotel lobby.
Jim Hendry is here.
"I just signed Mark DeRosa!" Jim Hendry says.

> examine DeRosa signing

Mark Derosa signed for $13,000,000 over 3 years.

> punch Hendry

Hendry ducks your blow.
"Ha, ha, you kidder, Bill!"

> sign minor-leaguers

You can't do that now.

> call Pelekoudas

You call Pelekoudas.
"You going to try to sign Soriano?" Hendry says

> punch Hendry

Your hand is holding an expensive team-provided cellular phone. Are you sure you want to do that?

> no

Pelekoudas answers. "I'm up," Pelekoudas says.

> sign minor leaguers
You sign Cibney Bello
You sign Renee Cortez
You sign Jared Eichelberger
You sign Jesse Foppert
You sign Josh Kite
You sign Rey Ordonez
You sign Tony Torcato
You sign Brant Ust
You sign Michael Wagner

> who is Jared Eichelberger?

I don't know either.

> hang up

Jim Hendry laughs at you.

Your phone rings.

> examine phone

The phone display reads "Howard Lincoln".

> u

You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> sleep

It is November 15th. You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> sleep x4

It is November 20th. You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> d

Are you sure?

> d

That might not be the best idea right now, if you get my meaning.

> clean up

You clean up nicely.

> go downstairs

You are in a hotel lobby.
Jim Hendry is here.
"I just signed Alfonso Soriano!" Jim Hendry says.

> examine Soriano contract

Alfonso Soriano signed for $136,000,000 over 8 years.

> I hate you and wish you would die.

I don't understand that.

Jim Hendry performs his Dance of Joy.

> punch Hendry

You catch Hendry unaware!
Hendry is wounded!
The other GMs look at you with awe.
Hendry runs away!
Some GMs applaud you.

> bow

How gracious.

Wayne Krivsky signs Alex Gonzalez.

> examine Gonzalez signing

Alex Gonzalez signed for $14,000,000 over 3 years.

> examine Gonzalez signing

No, you read that right.

Pat Gillick asks you how Adrian Beltre is doing.

> remind Gillick of Franklin signing

Pat Gillick looks hurt and leaves.
Brian Sabean is here.

Your phone rings.

> trade Richie Sexson to Brian Sabean for Matt Cain

Brian Sabean looks confused.
"Why would I do that?" Brian Sabean asks.

> trade Richie Sexson to Brian Sabean for Marcus Sanders and live arm

Brian Sabean ponders this.
"I do need power," Brian Sabean says.

> don't look anxious

You look cool.
"I don't know though," Brian Sabian says. "We're not sure if we're trying to rebuild or not..."
Brian Sabean looks at you expectantly.

> trade Richie Sexson and Rafael Soriano to Brian Sabean for Marcus Sanders and live arm

Brian Sabean nods.
"Let me think about that," Brian Sabean says.
Brian Sabean takes out his cellular phone.

Jason Schmidt is here.

> sign Jason Schmidt

You don't have Jason Schmidt's contract demands yet.

> get contract demands from Schmidt

Jason Schmidt hands you a brochure.
Jason Schmidt leaves to find Brian Sabean.
Adam Eaton is here.

> get contract demands from Eaton

"In today's market we should start at $36,000,000 for 4 years," Adam Eaton says.

> laugh

Adam Eaton looks offended.

> apologize

You pretend you were laughing at something else.
Adam Eaton looks suspicious.

> make excuse to Eaton

You tell Adam Eaton you will have to talk to management.
Adam Eaton leaves.
JP Riccardi is here.
"We agreed to terms with Frank Catalanotto and will announce it tomorrow," JP Riccardi says.

> bang head against wall

You bang your head against the wall, producing a satisfying thumping sound.
"Sorry about that," JP Riccardi says. "There's always Alou."

> remain calm

You breathe deeply.
JP Riccardi leaves.

> u

You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here.

> order room service

What did you want to order from room service?

> order pizza, liter of Hornitos, 12 limes, salt, knife from room service

You order a pizza from room service.
You order a liter of Sauza Hornitos tequila.
You order 12 limes.
You order salt.

A knife is provided with the silverware in the mini-kitchenette.

> get knife


> z

You wait.

> z x3

Room service delivers your meal.

> eat pizza

You eat the pizza.

> cut limes with knife

You chop up the limes.

> suck piece of lime. drink tequila. eat salt.

You drink a shot of tequila. Mmm, that's tasty.

> repeat x10

You pass out quickly.

You wake up.
It is November 22nd. You are in a hotel room.
There is a bed here. You are in the bed.
There is a bottle of tequila here.
You have a headache.

> examine phone

You have new voice mail.

> get tequila

You take the bottle of tequila.

> d


> d

You are in a hotel lobby. There are many hazy shapes here.

> drink tequila

Hair of the dog! The shapes resolve into other GMs.
Ned Coletti signs Juan Pierre.

> examine Pierre contract

Juan Pierre signed for $44,000,000 over 5 years.
Bill Stoneman signs Gary Matthews, Jr.

> examine Matthews contract

Gary Matthews, Jr. signed for $50,000,000 over 5 years.

> examine tequila

You notice nothing special about the tequila.

> examine Coletti

Ned Coletti appears happy.

> examine Stoneman

Bill Stoneman appears concerned about your appearance.

> weep

You weep gently.
Billy Beane steals your wallet!

> quit

You scored 200 points out a possible 550 points using 75 turns.

You are a Saavy Trader. Better luck next time.

You need to not sign Carlos Lee to achieve the next higher ranking.

Press enter to start a new game...


43 Responses to “Offseason Adventure”

  1. shaunmc on November 22nd, 2006 8:40 pm

    Good stuff. What are the chances we see a GM Oregon Trail down the line?

    Also, I think there’s some fertile material here for a new USSM t-shirt design.

  2. Calderon on November 22nd, 2006 8:41 pm


    Hey, I’d take all the mistakes Gillick made if we could average 98 wins a season under Bavasi. 😉

  3. AQ on November 22nd, 2006 8:41 pm

    For the love of Zork, that was awesome!

  4. johnix on November 22nd, 2006 8:41 pm

    I’m so close to pissing my pants…….oh wait……

    > examine Howard Lincoln

    Howard Lincoln is asleep.

    > put on pants

    Howard Lincoln twitches.

  5. Typical Idiot Fan on November 22nd, 2006 8:49 pm

    One could take from that little exerpt that you’re not happy with Bill Bavasi because he hasn’t gone nuts?

  6. thepull on November 22nd, 2006 8:52 pm

    Mud nerd! (maybe)

  7. Mat on November 22nd, 2006 9:05 pm

    That’s some good stuff. I bet you could find a decent market if you made a game like that. Of course, you might get terrible reviews w/r/t realism once the game started spitting out $45M+ contracts for Juan Pierre and Gary Matthews.

  8. LB on November 22nd, 2006 9:37 pm

    Uh, Gillick didn’t sign Alex Gonzalez for 3/$14m. Wayne Krivsky did.

  9. weasleman42 on November 22nd, 2006 9:40 pm

    funniest. post. ever.

  10. DMZ on November 22nd, 2006 9:42 pm

    I’m sorry, but there’s no way this beats Bugs Bunny. (fixed the Krivsky thing… I messed up a Gonzalez/Helms joke there, but it’s good now)

  11. Jeff on November 22nd, 2006 9:46 pm

    This is about .89 Bugs Bunny, Derek. Awesome!

  12. DanO on November 22nd, 2006 9:46 pm

    Most amusing. But someone needed to be eaten by a grue.

  13. Evan on November 22nd, 2006 9:48 pm

    Uh, Gillick didn’t sign Alex Gonzalez for 3/$14m. Wayne Krivsky did.

    And Ricciardi didn’t sign Catalanotto – that’s not really the point.

    Sorry, Derek. While this one might have less literary value than Bugs Bunny, this one is funnier. At least to a geek. Plus, Bugs Bunny featured that misapplication of special relativity.

  14. beef on November 22nd, 2006 9:57 pm

    greatest post ever.

  15. Zero Gravitas on November 22nd, 2006 10:01 pm

    Hilarious post. I got major flashbacks reading it – what game inspired this ? I seem to remember “there is nothing special about the xxx” and “you must supply a direct object” from something. Can’t remember for the life of me what game it was and it’s driving me nuts!

  16. LB on November 22nd, 2006 10:09 pm

    #15: The name of the game was “Adventure.”

  17. Goose on November 22nd, 2006 10:15 pm

    Ok, that was just flat out awesome.

  18. colm on November 22nd, 2006 10:15 pm

    anejo or reposado?

  19. todda70 on November 22nd, 2006 10:28 pm

    One of the best posts I have ever read. True comedy.

    Now I know what will waste all my time this long weekend. Hello Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Game. Almost like having my Commodore 128 all over again…

  20. John on November 22nd, 2006 10:41 pm

    > Say “Hey, Billy”

    Billy sighs and pretends not to notice you.

    Best part.

    May I ask what the > d, > u and > z did?

  21. joser on November 22nd, 2006 10:56 pm

    You are in a maze of twisty baseball contracts, all alike

  22. JI on November 22nd, 2006 11:24 pm

    Freaking awesome.

  23. shortbus on November 22nd, 2006 11:26 pm

    OMG! LOL! URDA83S7!

    As an Apple Adventure player I almost vomitted from laughter.

    Now you need to tell me which “Big Time Free Agent”(tm) we should sign.

    ‘Cause you owe me. Due to the vomit thing.


  24. Josh on November 22nd, 2006 11:53 pm

    May I ask what the > d, > u and > z did?

    d is down, u is up and z is wait.

    Awesome post.

  25. David J. Corcoran I on November 23rd, 2006 12:41 am

    Yes. I love it.

  26. CCW on November 23rd, 2006 12:46 am

    Sweet. LOL. Thanks.

  27. Deanna on November 23rd, 2006 12:59 am

    Tee hee. My only question is, why didn’t he take any hit points of damage from reading those contracts?

  28. Bender on November 23rd, 2006 2:18 am

    This space intentionally left blank.

  29. Bender on November 23rd, 2006 2:22 am

    Also, amazing post.

    For anyone that is feeling nostalgic (or who doesn’t get the joke I guess)

  30. JoeM on November 23rd, 2006 2:42 am

    I can’t remember ever seeing a Zork related post on any forum, truely inspired.

  31. Roger on November 23rd, 2006 3:44 am

    > Examine forum

    There is no forum here.

    So have any of you, like, stayed after school in your computer lab (this is 1982 or 1983) typing in a 600+ line Applesoft Basic program that is nothing but a bunch of spaghetti because you really don’t grok “gosub,” but this text adventure game you’re writing is pretty neat, at least to you, and then at the end of the afternoon you go to save it on the 5 1/4 floppy single-sided floppy which you made into a double-sided floppy by cutting a notch in it–but the program won’t save and you come slowly to understand that it won’t save because when the Franklin started up you aborted the disc drive mysterious start-up thingy (technical term, sorry) and that action apparently completely removes the drive from the computer’s universe and your two hours (maybe more? it’s getting dark out) of effort to type in this game (carefully written in your notebook–10 PRINT “WELCOME TO THIS ADVENTURE 20 GOTO 50, etc.) has been a complete and utter waste of time?

    Maybe it was just me.

  32. studes on November 23rd, 2006 4:51 am

    Awesome. For those who haven’t seen it before, here’s a link to an online version of the original Zork:

  33. Jim Thomsen on November 23rd, 2006 5:54 am

    #31: This was me.

    Thanks, DMZ, for the flashback to high school.

    I actually left the world of computer gaming behind after 1982, but this sort of stuff was fun of a rather tedious sort. But what the hell … I was a kid trapped in a Christian boarding school with hours and hours and hours and hours of nothing much to do. Except listen to Dave Neihaus and Ken Wilson on a smuggled AM transistor radio (we weren’t allowed to have radios in our dorm rooms). Life in those days was one huge syntax error that did not compute, and I was usually too apathetic to abort, retry OR fail.

  34. ivan on November 23rd, 2006 7:54 am

    > Examine Gary Matthews Jr. contract

    A hollow voice says “Plugh.”

  35. argh on November 23rd, 2006 8:10 am

    CML Zork. What memories.

  36. msb on November 23rd, 2006 9:27 am

    man, I knew there was a whole world I missed out on, but man.

  37. dlupham on November 23rd, 2006 9:47 am

    I was at Boeing in the late 70’s and we had the PDP-11 version of Adventure running on a DEC machine. Lunch time was spent with several expensive engineers trying to solve the puzzles. My kid was in 4th grade (I think) and I got him hooked on computers by bringing home a 300 baud terminal (30 characters per second transmission rates) and playing at night and weekends.


  38. everett on November 23rd, 2006 10:22 am

    DMZ, an absolute classic.

  39. zackaryl on November 23rd, 2006 3:12 pm

    The best thing I have read on the Interweb in years. Brilliant! (ps I’m a Rangers fan)

  40. Gomez on November 23rd, 2006 3:48 pm

    > compliment DMZ for funny USSM entry

    Okay, that was hilarious. Incredible work, Derek.

  41. Maury Brown on November 23rd, 2006 7:14 pm

    >hold stomach after eating too much bird and reading DMZ entry.

    Good stuff, Derek.

    >think that tequila would not be good with bird, but another read through is in order.

    Favorite passage has to be the Gillick exchange… er, it would be funny if Beltre weren’t part of the equation.

  42. adroit on November 24th, 2006 8:33 am

    Phenomenal! I liked this exchange:

    Aramis Ramirez signed for $75m over 5 years.

    > what?

    You must supply a direct object.

    > are you kidding me?

    I don’t understand that.

  43. Karen on November 24th, 2006 3:42 pm

    Loved it, Derek.

    Do you have some Gold Star Archive you can put that in?

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