Mariner fandom checks boxes for anxiety, depression, fatigue, flu-like symptoms

DMZ · April 25, 2007 at 12:28 am · Filed Under Mariners 

“The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.”
“Sounds tough.”
“Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?”

Game postponed, to be made up in July. Whee. However… we got some Larry Stone! Writing… well, check this out: here’s the opening paragraph:

This is the wrong year for the Mariners to expect patience. They have already burned that bridge.

Yeaaaaaaaaaah. Came with a handy chart. “Vidro heating up” Vidro’s temperature is now ‘tepid’

However, Jamie Burke, official backup catcher of USS Mariner, is off to a nice start.

At the PI, Greg Johns pointed out the offense has sucked.

Fifteen games into this stop-and-start season, the Mariners have made no positive strides in their attempt to be more patient at the plate, work more bases on balls or increase their on-base percentage.

A year after ranking 27th among the 30 big league teams with an on-base percentage of .325, the Mariners again sit 27th in that critical statistic with an even-lower .305 mark.

When it comes to walks, the Mariners have dropped from 29th at 2.5 per game to dead last at 1.9.

It’s a fairly substantial blow for a leadoff piece in a notebook. Nice.


86 Responses to “Mariner fandom checks boxes for anxiety, depression, fatigue, flu-like symptoms”

  1. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:40 pm

    Jeff Weaver: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But this team can’t hit, or pitch for that matter, and I did not sign a bloated 1-year contract to make friends…and by the way, I haven’t.

  2. planB on April 25th, 2007 1:41 pm

    What’s up with all the fake quotes? A joke I don’t get?

  3. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:44 pm

    Jose Guillen: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

  4. gk91 on April 25th, 2007 1:46 pm

    Quotes from the hit NBC show the Office are placed in various Mariners related mouths for comic effect.

  5. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:48 pm

    Grover: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

  6. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:51 pm

    Bavasi: This is the “Don’t Go In After Me” award. It’s for Hendu, for the time I used the bathroom after him, and it was really smelly.

  7. Gomez on April 25th, 2007 1:51 pm

    I mentioned it once way back when he was hired and haven’t mentioned it since, but it needs to be mentioned now: weren’t the Royals a terrible, hacktastic team when Jeff Pentland was their hitting coach?

    Methinks they need to can him if our hitters still aren’t showing any discipline at the plate.

  8. Gomez on April 25th, 2007 1:53 pm

    Felix knocks on the door of the clubhouse. Willie Bloomquist opens the door with bug-eyes and his hair standing up.

    Willie: ARE YOU THE PHENOM?!

  9. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:53 pm

    Hargrove: I’m an early bird… And, I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and, I have worms… Um…

  10. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:56 pm

    Jeff Pentland: Beltré’s about to attend the Jeff Pentland School of Hitting. I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

  11. matthew on April 25th, 2007 1:58 pm

    Dave Cameron: Honestly, I don’t think Bavasi has the slightest clue of who he’s going to DFA. I think he keeps hoping that someone is going to volunteer… or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end really what’s going to happen is that it’s going to be the first person that gives him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.

  12. joser on April 25th, 2007 1:59 pm

    Beltre: Wax on, wax off. Swing at outside pitches? Yes you can.

  13. gottago on April 25th, 2007 2:02 pm

    From Bronx Banter–Not a good list to be on: The Yankees have the fourth-worst starters’ ERA in baseball (only the Rangers, Mariners and these Devil Rays have been worse, which gives you some idea how rough those teams have had it thus far). The Yankee starters are averaging just 4.87 innings per game, and opponents are smacking them around at a .301 clip. After 18 games, the Yankee have received just five quality starts, three of them from Andy Pettitte, one from the indefinitely disabled Carl Pavano, and the last from Kei Igawa, who was quite a bit short of quality last night.

  14. matthew on April 25th, 2007 2:02 pm

    Ron Fairly: Look. Rick is a wuss. When we rented “Major League,” he cried at the end of it.
    Rick Rizzs: Ron, I told you. That was because it was New Year’s Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

  15. matthew on April 25th, 2007 2:08 pm

    Jose Guillen: He was already dead and we Guillens use every part of the moose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten moose grease and save it in the refrigerator thus saving you a trip to the store for an expensive can of moose grease.

    Jeff Weaver: Wow. Win-win.

  16. matthew on April 25th, 2007 2:18 pm

    Bavasi: (waiting outside The Feed) Ok, this is it. Dave is doing my intro right now.

    Dave: (addressing largest ever gathering of USSM readers) This team can’t compete and management is unwilling or unable to adapt. Their fanbase is dying off…

    Bavasi: I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he looks like he’s really into it.

  17. JMHawkins on April 25th, 2007 3:12 pm

    Hargrove: Alrigth! Ichiro’s on base. C’mon Willie, move him over!.
    McLaren: (moments later) Crap. Grounder to second, Willie’s out 4-3.
    Hargrove: But Ichiro’s on second! Productive out!
    McLaren: You keep using that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means.

  18. Dave Clapper on April 25th, 2007 3:57 pm

    Khalfayan: He doesn’t get Tommy John surgery at this time.
    Hargrove: What?
    Khalfayan: He doesn’t get the surgery. I’m explaining to to because you look nervous.
    Hargrove: I wasn’t nervous. Maybe I was a little bit “concerned” but that’s not the same thing.

  19. Dave Clapper on April 25th, 2007 3:59 pm

    Bloomquist: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
    Hargrove: I just want you to feel you’re doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

  20. Dave Clapper on April 25th, 2007 4:03 pm

    Bavasi: Have fun winnin’ da pennant.
    Hargrove: Think it’ll work?
    Bavasi: It would take a miracle.

  21. _David_ on April 25th, 2007 4:06 pm

    How, for god sakes, does starting Robert F#ck over Doyle in LF benefit the Nationals?

  22. _David_ on April 25th, 2007 4:09 pm

    Hargrove: Felix is a team guy, and he knows how our bullpen is tired, and in these next few days, he will be a great help in the bullpen.

  23. dgarnett on April 25th, 2007 4:09 pm

    thanks for killing the baseball discussion with asinine quotations all day. Does anyone read the post button and think “oh, a made up bavasi quotation really ‘adds my light to the glowing firmament of discussion'”? Enough is enough, back to baseball please.

  24. _David_ on April 25th, 2007 4:13 pm

    nice insight dgarnett. So howabout Washburn? Will Cupcakes shut us down as usual?

  25. Tuomas on April 25th, 2007 4:28 pm

    I was laughing until the switch to The Princess Bride.

    Then I laughed harder.

    Then I cried when dgarnett posted.

  26. eponymous coward on April 25th, 2007 4:36 pm

    Yes, dgarnett, The USS Mariner authors consider blogging about baseball to be serious business, much like the Internets.

  27. marbledog on April 25th, 2007 4:36 pm

    dgarnett said:
    April 25th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
    thanks for killing the baseball discussion with asinine quotations all day.

    I’ve been trying to think of something more polite and tasteful to say than “oh go blow it out your ass.” But I haven’t thought of anything.

    It was funny stuff and why don’t you leave the moderating to the moderators.

  28. chris23 on April 25th, 2007 4:43 pm

    Tui had a nice little game in Tennessee today. 5-5 with a homer and 3 RBIs. Avg now at .380.

  29. Bite Me on April 25th, 2007 4:44 pm

    DGARNETT:The baseball conversation hits everything on my checklist: stats, news, insight, amazing stories . Not for me… for my children. The Garnett’s produce very demanding readers.

  30. gwangung on April 25th, 2007 4:50 pm

    Man, you were asking for it…..


  31. Pete on April 25th, 2007 4:52 pm

    #79: That Dwight line might be my favorite of all. If that was improvised… wow.

  32. Karen on April 25th, 2007 4:57 pm

    Wow. #73, look at this way, Mr. NoSenseOfHumor, humor for Mariners fans is a defense mechanism. Shows you we’re all still emotionally and mentally healthy…

    This, BTW, was surely the funniest blog entry I’ve ever read at USSMariner. Thanks, matthew and everybody else 🙂

  33. dw on April 25th, 2007 5:02 pm

    Hargrove: Here is Jeff Weaver from the pitching department. Brandon, Jeff. Ben, Jeff.

    Weaver: [sees Brandon’s school ring] Did you go to Cal?

    Morrow: Yeah.

    Weaver: Yeah, I went to Fresno.

    Morrow: Cool, what year?

    Weaver: ’98…

    Hargrove: Jeff was released last year. He uh…gawd…recently, right? You were designated for assignment? And you have kids? Oh that’s so…it was really messy. You slept one night in your car too?

  34. pablothegreat on April 25th, 2007 5:10 pm

    WFB:I am not a terrible player, and my middle name is Paul, not Fucking.
    USS Mariner:What did I write?

  35. JMHawkins on April 25th, 2007 5:21 pm

    Chavez: It’s Weaver. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he’s Ethel Merman.
    Weaver: (singing) You’ll be swell, you’ll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin’ here, startin’ now. Honey, everything’s comin’ up roses…
    Slaton: Fenway is hell.

  36. msb on April 25th, 2007 6:54 pm

    ok, the Tigers are on ESPN. what the heck is going on with Maggs’ hair these days? At least Swisher has a goal.

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