True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga

DMZ · June 1, 2007 at 8:34 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Part One

May 11th
“Scott Boras Corporation, this is Sam, how can I help you?”
“Hey, I need to make a return.”
“Okay, let me transfer you to support.”
“Wait no-”
“Scott Boras Corporation Support Division, this is Amy, how can I help you?”
“I want to make a return.”
“In order to better assist our valued customers to achieve superior satisfaction with all of our products, we’d like to attempt to resolve the issue first, so that you don’t have to go through the trouble of a return.”
“Oh, it’s no trouble. Really.”
“I’m afraid that we can’t process a return until–”
“Fine, fine, let’s go through your stupid support tree.”
“Great, I’ll make every effort to ensure that this is a quick process for you. Now, can I get your name?”
“I bought this for my company, the Seattle Mariners.”
“Of course. Which Scott Boras Corporation product did you purchase?”
“Jeff Weaver.”
“Certainly. Let me just bring up the record. I’m not finding anything. Do you remember when you purchased him?”
“Yeah, lemme look at the receipt- January 26th.”
“Thanks. Ah, I’ve found it. So what seems to be the problem?”
“He sucks.”
“I’m sorry, could you be more specific?”
“This is ridiculous. He was advertised as throwing faster than we’ve seen from him, he isn’t able to establish or control any of his pitches, and the results of using him are well out of the specifications in the manual.”
“I apologize first for any inconvenience. Did you inspect him when he arrived to make sure he wasn’t damaged in delivery?”
“Yes. He looked fine.”
“Thank you, that’s helpful to us in determining the cause of your problems. Do you have the manual close by?”
“I kept all the original documentation together, yes.”
“On the back of the manual, in the lower right-hand corner, there should be a code. Can you read that to me?”
“I’m sorry to hear that, and I apologize, it would appear that somehow you were given the documentation for the 2001 model, which is not the one you purchased.”
“That would explain the difference between your expectations and the product’s performance, but looking at the diagnostic information, I do see that product status updates do show an unacceptable field performance so far. I understand your frustration, and I apologize.”
“Please stop saying that.”
“I understand how our almost robotic politeness and disarming customer scripts can irritate someone who is already dissatisfied with our products, and I do apologize for that.”
“No, let’s move on. Can I return it then? It’s clearly not working.”
“Have you tried turning it off and then on again?”
“How in God’s name would I — no. No, I have not tried turning it off and then on again.”
“I apologize, I inadvertently read from the wrong script, as I’m on more than one support call right now for increased efficiency and customer service.”
“How do I return it?”
“Before you return it, is there anything you’ve been doing unusually with the unit, such as deploying it in environments not approved in the manual?”
“You said the manual was six years old.”
“I believe that the environmental specifications have not changed. Could you quickly review them and tell me–”
“Lemme see. Uh, I did not use it every fifth day, technically, and I guess the part about keeping him away from tin foil and Vermont Teddy Bears, I don’t remember reading that warning, but okay, that could have happened… but none of this seems serious.”
“Well, sir, we do put the warnings in the manual for a reason. It appears that your results may be due to having used the product in a manner countervening the instructions given to you. Did you purchase our extended support plan?”
“The what now?”
“I see from your invoice that you did not. Unfortunately, in order to issue a RMA number, we’ll have to evaluate the unit and make a determination whether your actions caused the damage before we can proceed with a refund or replace it with a refurbished unit –”
“A refurbished unit?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s it, I’m going over your head.”
“I’m sorry you feel that you’re receiving inadequate service, sir, and I apol- sir? Sir? It seems we’re experiencing problems with the line, and I apologize. Sir?”


51 Responses to “True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga”

  1. nickpdx on June 1st, 2007 8:50 am

    “Environments not approved in the manual,” a.k.a. any Major League pitching mound.

    This would all be much funnier if I was sure I’d never again see him standing on one, wearing a Mariner jersey.

  2. Seth on June 1st, 2007 9:06 am


  3. msb on June 1st, 2007 9:09 am

    I’m sorry to hear that, and I apologize, it would appear that somehow you were given the documentation for the 2001 model, which is not the one you purchased … That would explain the difference between your expectations and the product’s performance

    hmmm. does this explain the FO’s recent history with free agents? They’ve been using old specs when purchasing new product?

  4. joser on June 1st, 2007 9:15 am

    I wonder if Boras is taking calls even from Weaver.

    Weaver: “But you said taking a one year deal now would pay off in a bigger contract later”
    Boras: “Did you forget the part where I said you had to not suck?”

  5. TomC on June 1st, 2007 9:22 am

    Spot on parody of a typical customer service support call experience. This is a parody, right?

  6. idahowriter on June 1st, 2007 9:27 am

    “I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.” – Animal House

    I say we grab Weaver, stuff him in the trunk of a car, drive to Anaheim, and switch him for his kid brother. Or I guess we could just leave him in the trunk of the car. I’m flexible.

  7. JoeM on June 1st, 2007 9:40 am

    I works in Technical Support and love this blog. This is just priceless. I think I cried I laughed so hard.

  8. Nick on June 1st, 2007 9:42 am

    “. . .before we can proceed with a refund or replace it with a refurbished unit . . .”

    Refurbished Unit?

    We’re going to return Jeff Weaver and get the refurbished Unit?


  9. Uncle Ted on June 1st, 2007 9:44 am

    [off topic, deleted, email us with questions]

  10. bv on June 1st, 2007 9:56 am

    Ever see those before-after pictures of meth addicts? Guess which side Jeff Weaver looks like…

  11. bakomariner on June 1st, 2007 10:00 am

    great thing to wake up too…hillarious…but i agree with #1…it’s a little of a downer that he’s going to get another start…

  12. mariners23 on June 1st, 2007 10:02 am

    ohhh thats great stuff!

  13. Ralph Malph on June 1st, 2007 10:05 am

    I liked the part about switching him off and back on. Isn’t that what they’re trying right now?

  14. em on June 1st, 2007 10:17 am

    Reality isn’t always funny.

  15. nickpdx on June 1st, 2007 10:18 am

    It turns out that, like vacuum cleaners, some people suck even (or especially) when switched on.

  16. Otto on June 1st, 2007 10:18 am

    Try reading that with a Thick Indian accent! Beautifully written.

  17. Panev on June 1st, 2007 10:18 am

    #4 for 5% I would listen to him for a year.

    Office only, no cell calls.

  18. Otto on June 1st, 2007 10:20 am

    Mind if this is transfered to another website with credit given? This is too good to keep to ourselves.

  19. em on June 1st, 2007 10:21 am

    This would make for a nice skit on a creative sports talk show…

  20. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 10:21 am

    Do not transfer this to another website.

    There’s a whole sidebar thing on the left there about this. Don’t do it.

  21. em on June 1st, 2007 10:22 am

    For that matter, it should be emailed to Boras. I’d bet he would ROFL…

  22. tgf on June 1st, 2007 10:31 am

    I don’t see this saga ending well.

  23. Grizz on June 1st, 2007 10:32 am

    This is almost as funny as Will Carroll’s Boras-for-Commish article from a few days ago.

  24. em on June 1st, 2007 10:38 am

    M’s winning % with Weaver on DL: 55%

    M’s winning % with Weaver active: 48%

  25. CouchGM on June 1st, 2007 10:58 am


  26. bhsmarine on June 1st, 2007 10:59 am

    I am excited it says Part One, for comedy sake I hope the next one is good. If there is a part 3 that is disaster for the Mariners.

    And hopefully Baltimore can finish our work in Anaheim and we take out the lowly Rangers this series and by Monday morning we are only a couple games back.

  27. Otto on June 1st, 2007 10:59 am

    Will not transfer no worries.

  28. Otto on June 1st, 2007 11:01 am

    Maybe I should have read copywright disclaimer first!

  29. Manzanillos Cup on June 1st, 2007 11:01 am

    I’m trying to think of a real world comparison for Boras Corp – a company that uses total B.S. to sell vastly overpriced products.

    The Cardinals simply blew it, Boras concludes. “The Cardinals not signing Jeff Weaver is how you don’t win divisions, and my prediction is the St. Louis Cardinals won’t win their division this year.” (At press time, the Cardinals were at the bottom of the National League Central.

  30. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 11:03 am

    Monster Cable springs to mind immediately.

  31. bakomariner on June 1st, 2007 11:10 am

    bhs- only problem with baltimore winning six in a row now, and hopefully sweeping the angels, is that they would come to seattle with a ton of momentum…

  32. lokiforever on June 1st, 2007 11:25 am

    But Bakomariner – I fear more the team that has lost 8 straight as they will regress to the mean. Similarly the O’s aren’t that great of a team. Let’s hope they don’t regress until after the Angels series

  33. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 11:26 am

    And I fear this is drifting OT.

  34. Bender on June 1st, 2007 11:26 am

    Monster Cable is insane. They expect you to pay as much for cable as you do for the product you’re using the cable with.

    I swear someone could make a killing making cable for a reasonable price but no one does.

    I guess it’s the same frustration I get when I think that teams will stop relying on ‘proven talent’ and the mythical closer and left handed sock.

  35. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 11:27 am

    Bender, dude, is doing just that.

  36. Steve T on June 1st, 2007 11:30 am

    The post is great, but the “buy the author a beer” link, which I just noticed, is even funnier. I notice these are not Safeco beers, but have a cold one on me.

  37. Steve T on June 1st, 2007 11:31 am

    PS — you should have it buy the beer for whichever author wrote the post, though, you lush.

  38. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 11:32 am
  39. Bearman on June 1st, 2007 11:37 am

    If only getting a refund on Weaver were possible but unfortunately you can’t and besides Boras would never give up his commission lolololol.

  40. Bender on June 1st, 2007 11:41 am is moving away from relying on proven talent, the closer role and left handed sock???

    In all seriousness if you just turned me on to a place I can get cable without paying out the nose for it I’m going to have a joygasm.

  41. AuburnM on June 1st, 2007 11:57 am

    Awesome on both levels; mocking both the Weaver deal and “customer service” systems everywhere.

    Well done.

  42. fwombat on June 1st, 2007 11:58 am

    40: is what you’re after. Good cable, for what cables ought to cost.

  43. em on June 1st, 2007 12:05 pm


  44. joser on June 1st, 2007 12:44 pm

    When it comes to stupid overpriced “premium” products, nothing beats the $485 wooden volume knob.

    Well, nothing except the $8M “World Series Game Winning” pitcher.

    I can just imagine Scott Spiezio and Jeff Weaver getting together in the offseason to talk about how Seattle sucks the talent right out of you.

  45. huhwhat on June 1st, 2007 12:57 pm


  46. DMZ on June 1st, 2007 1:38 pm

    (deleted many OT comments)

  47. Nuss on June 1st, 2007 1:58 pm

    Mind if this is transfered to another website with credit given? This is too good to keep to ourselves.

    Just link to it. That’s what I did.

  48. boxc on June 1st, 2007 2:15 pm

    Guys I don’t know if this belongs in this thread, but [deleted, doesn't belong on this thread]

  49. bhsmarine on June 1st, 2007 2:21 pm


  50. Mike G. on June 2nd, 2007 12:30 am

    I’m definitely late to this party but looking at the mess it turned in to I’m glad. However as an ex-Amazon customer service robot I really appreciate this post. It’s just as cathartic for me as the Blue Scholars song “Proletariat Blues”.

  51. TheMsfan on June 3rd, 2007 5:06 am

    spot on sir, spot on, and i can tell you its spot on because i work at a certain store that rhymes with guest fly, and we certainly wanna hear/ offer that service plan

    id feel bad, but we get things at cost plus 5 percent, so i dont

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