True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga

DMZ · June 1, 2007 at 8:34 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Part One

May 11th
“Scott Boras Corporation, this is Sam, how can I help you?”
“Hey, I need to make a return.”
“Okay, let me transfer you to support.”
“Wait no-”
“Scott Boras Corporation Support Division, this is Amy, how can I help you?”
“I want to make a return.”
“In order to better assist our valued customers to achieve superior satisfaction with all of our products, we’d like to attempt to resolve the issue first, so that you don’t have to go through the trouble of a return.”
“Oh, it’s no trouble. Really.”
“I’m afraid that we can’t process a return until–”
“Fine, fine, let’s go through your stupid support tree.”
“Great, I’ll make every effort to ensure that this is a quick process for you. Now, can I get your name?”
“I bought this for my company, the Seattle Mariners.”
“Of course. Which Scott Boras Corporation product did you purchase?”
“Jeff Weaver.”
“Certainly. Let me just bring up the record. I’m not finding anything. Do you remember when you purchased him?”
“Yeah, lemme look at the receipt- January 26th.”
“Thanks. Ah, I’ve found it. So what seems to be the problem?”
“He sucks.”
“I’m sorry, could you be more specific?”
“This is ridiculous. He was advertised as throwing faster than we’ve seen from him, he isn’t able to establish or control any of his pitches, and the results of using him are well out of the specifications in the manual.”
“I apologize first for any inconvenience. Did you inspect him when he arrived to make sure he wasn’t damaged in delivery?”
“Yes. He looked fine.”
“Thank you, that’s helpful to us in determining the cause of your problems. Do you have the manual close by?”
“I kept all the original documentation together, yes.”
“On the back of the manual, in the lower right-hand corner, there should be a code. Can you read that to me?”
“I’m sorry to hear that, and I apologize, it would appear that somehow you were given the documentation for the 2001 model, which is not the one you purchased.”
“That would explain the difference between your expectations and the product’s performance, but looking at the diagnostic information, I do see that product status updates do show an unacceptable field performance so far. I understand your frustration, and I apologize.”
“Please stop saying that.”
“I understand how our almost robotic politeness and disarming customer scripts can irritate someone who is already dissatisfied with our products, and I do apologize for that.”
“No, let’s move on. Can I return it then? It’s clearly not working.”
“Have you tried turning it off and then on again?”
“How in God’s name would I — no. No, I have not tried turning it off and then on again.”
“I apologize, I inadvertently read from the wrong script, as I’m on more than one support call right now for increased efficiency and customer service.”
“How do I return it?”
“Before you return it, is there anything you’ve been doing unusually with the unit, such as deploying it in environments not approved in the manual?”
“You said the manual was six years old.”
“I believe that the environmental specifications have not changed. Could you quickly review them and tell me–”
“Lemme see. Uh, I did not use it every fifth day, technically, and I guess the part about keeping him away from tin foil and Vermont Teddy Bears, I don’t remember reading that warning, but okay, that could have happened… but none of this seems serious.”
“Well, sir, we do put the warnings in the manual for a reason. It appears that your results may be due to having used the product in a manner countervening the instructions given to you. Did you purchase our extended support plan?”
“The what now?”
“I see from your invoice that you did not. Unfortunately, in order to issue a RMA number, we’ll have to evaluate the unit and make a determination whether your actions caused the damage before we can proceed with a refund or replace it with a refurbished unit –”
“A refurbished unit?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s it, I’m going over your head.”
“I’m sorry you feel that you’re receiving inadequate service, sir, and I apol- sir? Sir? It seems we’re experiencing problems with the line, and I apologize. Sir?”


51 Responses to “True Tales from the Jeff Weaver Saga”

  1. TheMsfan on June 3rd, 2007 5:06 am

    spot on sir, spot on, and i can tell you its spot on because i work at a certain store that rhymes with guest fly, and we certainly wanna hear/ offer that service plan

    id feel bad, but we get things at cost plus 5 percent, so i dont

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