Reimagining The Mariners

Dave · July 23, 2007 at 11:22 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

I’m stealing Jeff Sullivan’s gimmick here, but he’ll forgive me, I’m sure.

If the Mariners were a second-hand store…

Customer Enters
Dave: Hey Bill – nice to see you again.
Bill: Call me William, son.
Dave: Uhh, err, right, sorry. Mind if I look around?
William: Why don’t I give you the tour instead – okay? Okay.
Dave: Do I have a choice?
William: Let’s start off over here with my pride and joy – my first chemistry set.
Dave: It looks broken.
William: Nonsense. Pat made this thing years ago, but some jerk stole it from him and made all kinds of great stuff with it. Right before he gave me the store, he bought it back from the guy. I haven’t figured out how to do all the stuff it used to do, but just having it around makes me feel like a winner, you know?
Dave: You’ve got some cracked…
William: I prefer the term weathered.
Dave: Whatever. You’ve got, uhh, weathered test tubes in a prime display case.
William: I think they make everything in the store better.
Dave: How?
William: You’re here, aren’t you? Were you here when I didn’t have them? Okay then. Let’s move on.
Dave: Gladly.
William: Over here is my new favorite toy – an awesome IPod.
Dave scrolls through the list of songs.
Dave: It looks like this thing still has someone else’s music on it.
William: I know! That’s the best part. It’s got every hit single you could think of. The Macarena, Mambo #5, Life is a Highway, all of em!
Dave: These songs suck. Why would you load up an IPod with nothing but old singles?
William: It’s an IPod, and these songs got all kinds of radio play. What’s not to like?
Dave: Seems like a waste of a perfectly good technology to me.
William: Hater.
Dave: Hey, is that a crown?
William: Yea, but it’s not all its cracked up to be.
Dave: What? It looks amazing.
William: It was great for a few days, but then it broke. The jewels kept falling out, so I stopped wearing it for a while. I wear it sometimes now, but this thing has some bad juju. It always slips off when I’m trying to impress the girl at the fruit stand outside.
Dave: Have you considered that maybe your head isn’t perfectly shaped for a crown?
William: I’m sorry, but I don’t listen to critiques from locals.
Dave: Uhh, okay. What else you got?
William: Ooh, you’ll like this. This guy from Atlanta sold me this awesome 2005 calendar. Said it helped him remember to do all kinds of things.
Dave: But it’s 2007. That calendar hasn’t been useful in two years. And it looks like it’s been marked on. What did you give him for this?
William: Oh, nothing much. Just my guard dog.
Dave: You gave up your dog for a two year old calendar? That dog was awesome!
William: It’s okay. I felt like he was losing his bark, and I got this cute little puppy to replace him.
Dave: The one that’s peeing on your carpet right now?
William: HEY! STOP THAT!
Dave: How old is it? Three months? What did you expect?
William: He was scaring all the other puppies, so I thought he’d get mean in a hurry.
Dave: That’s logical…
William: So you don’t want the calendar? I know it looks like crap now, but I’ve heard it will look great once you get it home. Only $100.
Dave: I can buy a 2007 calendar, brand new, for $3.99. What were you thinking?
William: The Atlanta guy said it was great for him, and he’s one of the best antique store owners around.
Dave: Probably because he trades used calendars for guard dogs.
William: Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of that.
Dave: You have any good stuff around here?
William: Oh yea. Let me show you the most expensive thing in the store. It’s huge.
Dave: Well, I’m not really looking for something enormous. I just want something that works.
William: Here it is – the worlds biggest umbrella!
Dave: William – there’s a hole in it.
William: It’s okay – I use it all the time. It’s very impressive.
Dave: Don’t you get wet?
William: Well, yea, but can you imagine how awesome this thing would be if without the hole? You could fit 25 people under here!
Dave: But it does have a hole. How do you plan on fixing it?
William: I figure it will either fix itself, or the chemistry set over there will make it all better.
Dave: Really? That’s the plan? Wait for it to repair itself or hope that the magic chemistry set causes the umbrella to grow a new piece of cloth?
William: Do you have a better idea?
Dave: You could, I don’t know, use that smaller umbrella over there. Doesn’t look like there’s any holes in that one.
William: That one’s no good. Tried it last year, couldn’t figure out how to make it work, and it has already been discarded by several others.
Dave: But it doesn’t have a hole, right? Isn’t it worth giving it another shot?
William: You’re too young to understand.
Dave: Okay, you know William, I like you, and I love your store, but you have to have something around here that’s not useless.
UPS guy arrives
UPS guy: Hey William – here’s your shipment of Wiis. Where do you want em?
William: Stick ’em in the back room. I don’t have any room for them out here.
Dave: Wait! You’re putting a shipment of brand new Wiis in the back because your store is already full of crap? Do you know how fast these things will sell? Move stuff around! I’ll even help you. Here, give me a hand with the chemistry set.
William: No, I can’t. I’ve never sold a Wii before. I don’t know how it will work. What if it doesn’t live up to the hype?
Dave: You realize everyone in the world wants one of these, and every store who has them is putting them in a huge display, right? It’s a lock.
William: Nothing is a lock. I bet big on the pet rock when you were still in diapers, and I got burned. I’ll never forget the lesson from that debacle. When you get older, you’ll realize there’s more to it than just selling the hot new thing.
Dave: I… really? You won’t put the Wii out front because of the pet rock?
William: You gotta respect history. Dad always told me to never get away from the things we do best.
Dave: Didn’t your dad sell black and white TVs?
William: Better than anyone.
Dave: And you don’t think anything has changed since then?
William: Selling will never change. It’s a simple thing. You’ve never owned a store, so you just don’t know.
Dave: Okay, William. I can’t argue with that. Can I see that, uhh, weathered chemistry set again?


88 Responses to “Reimagining The Mariners”

  1. Arkinese on July 24th, 2007 10:53 am

    Since the Braves are my second-favorite team, I always like a nice shout-out to the awesomeness that is John Schuerholz.

    I’m almost happy Schuerholz took advantage of Bavasi’s stupidity like he did. Almost.

    And #4, I have to agree with 33 re: satire. Potty humor is the lowest form of “wit.” Sarcasm is a bit below satire, only because satire skewers society as a whole and sarcasm usually picks and chooses. Dave’s one-act is riding the fence between the two but Oscar Wilde would still approve.

    Did anyone else read the question from the idiot fan (from South Bend, Indiana no less) who asked Street whether Jones would play center or right once the M’s called him up? As though left field didn’t even exist….

  2. Colm on July 24th, 2007 10:55 am

    I don’t see how benching Richie and playing Ben Broussard at first doesn’t make the team better.

    No matter how hard Kenji, Yuni and J-Lo suck at the moment, at least they continue to play important defensive positions.

  3. bhsmarine on July 24th, 2007 10:57 am

    48- A little recap…
    They are lucky because of their run differential, have a 30% chance and the playoffs, Vidro is slugging .376 and Adam Jones is still in Tacoma. He points out how the Marlins brought up some guy who never played left field and they ended up winning the WS that year, think he said his name was Miguel Cabrera. He isn’t saying the M’s will win the series but they aren’t good enough to do nothing.

  4. Colm on July 24th, 2007 10:58 am

    The guy from South Bend may not be an idiot, just uninformed. Very few people – myself included – realise independently that left field is much more demanding defensively at Safeco.

    They just assume that it’s the best place to hide your defensively limited slugging outfielder.

  5. Nick on July 24th, 2007 11:00 am

    I don’t worry about our C, 2B or SS. I think Johjima will bounce back considerably, especially if he gets the amount of rest that J-Mac says he’s going to give him. Lopez and Betancourt are what they are. It’s nice when they hit, but they’re not our real problem.

  6. bhsmarine on July 24th, 2007 11:01 am

    54- It is also just a fact that Ibanez is a much worse player then Guillen and Ichiro right now and hurts us more then anyone in CF or RF.

  7. Colm on July 24th, 2007 11:04 am

    1. Their faith in conventional wisdom,
    2. Their belief in ‘chemistry’,
    3. Their skepticism of young players,
    4. Their desire to run out a lineup of fan favorites, and,
    5. Their general reluctance to rock the boat,
    I’d expect the M’s management to keep running both Raul and Richie out there every day at least until they’ve reeeled off a 4-12 stretch and dropped behind the Yankees in the wild card chase.

  8. Left-Handed Sock on July 24th, 2007 11:06 am

    Is anyone else just sick and tired of watching Johjima try to pull everything? I’m concerned that with more rest he will get around on everything even faster and start pulling balls almost directly behind him.

  9. bhsmarine on July 24th, 2007 11:07 am

    58- Johjima always pulls the ball, he was never a opposite field guy really.

  10. msb on July 24th, 2007 11:08 am

    wandering afield, is currently running a Harold Reynolds interview with a very relaxed & comfortable Griffey; I assume it will be up online later

  11. Colm on July 24th, 2007 11:08 am

    bhsmarine (British Home Stores? )

    I just assumed that the writer of that question assumed that they’d bring up Jones at the expense of Ibanez rather than Guillen (or heaven forfend, Ichiro). It seems so obvious…

  12. bhsmarine on July 24th, 2007 11:17 am

    Nope, not British Home Stores.

    I have run out of reasons to defend them for not bringing up Adam Jones yet. I thought this double header would be the time for sure, what better time then in Texas against awful pitching? If they are waiting till September it will be far to late and just ridiculous.

  13. hcoguy on July 24th, 2007 11:21 am

    48. Neyer also mentioned that the M’s have used only 13 non-pitchers all year. Reminds me of last year, “woohoo same rotation….oh wait it sucks?”

  14. Sec 108 on July 24th, 2007 11:25 am

    56 or anyone- can I see some numbers that show how Guillen is appreciably better defensively than Ibanez. They are both terrible IMO.

  15. Gomez on July 24th, 2007 11:25 am

    Dave, I’m impressed. Excellent work and placement of subtext!

  16. John in L.A. on July 24th, 2007 11:27 am

    48 – “Actually, I’m underplaying their chances. According to BP’s Playoff Odds Report (at least this version of it), the M’s have a 30-percent chance of getting into the playoffs. I have some trouble believing that number, though. And it’s very difficult for me to understand how they can continue to play Jose Vidro and his .376 slugging percentage every day while Adam Jones and his awesome numbers are languishing in the Pacific Coast League.”

  17. msb on July 24th, 2007 11:32 am

    Baker entertained himself yesterday by throwing out a theory on when Jones comes up …

  18. Reign on July 24th, 2007 11:42 am

    58 – Yes I am. On the rare occasions he does hit the ball to right field he is actually just pulling the ball 270 degrees. I know that is how he has success but I’m sick of 6-4-3 double plays on a pitch 6 inches outside.

    Please someone tell me that HoRam’s predictable performance last night does not mean we will lose 2 of our top 5 prospects for the privilege of paying Matt Morris.

  19. Jeff Nye on July 24th, 2007 11:44 am

    Oh, okay. So the basis for Vidro being the team’s “best hitter” is two weeks of him slugging .437 from the DH position.

    I was afraid I’d missed something.

  20. carcinogen on July 24th, 2007 11:59 am

    57: if that happens, I will slaughter a mighty elk in between second and third base at Safeco field, consume its heart, and spew its bloody entrails about the field in a fit of mescaline-induced rage.

    Or, maybe I’ll just laugh at how pathetic the FO is. Probably the latter.

  21. eponymous coward on July 24th, 2007 12:10 pm

    So, it appears the M’s are going to clutter the 2008 roster with:


    to stick in front of



    So, which Horacio Ramirez clone does Wlad get traded for come the offseason.

  22. Lucky Number on July 24th, 2007 12:11 pm

    Very nice write-up Dave. The sad thing is that I used to work at a small video store and the owner of the store made decisions just like “William” did in your story. Needless to say, despite lots of demand for games, movies, and cds in our town he is about to go bankrupt. Kinda makes you think…

  23. terry on July 24th, 2007 12:11 pm

    Hey……weren’t we promised a rosterbation thread?

  24. MarinerDan on July 24th, 2007 12:25 pm

    Hey……weren’t we promised a rosterbation thread?

    I’ve been eagerly waiting for Dave’s midseason move post. I can’t wait!!

  25. Dave Clapper on July 24th, 2007 12:30 pm

    73/74: I’ve been waiting for that myself.

  26. Lauren, token chick on July 24th, 2007 12:33 pm

    I seem to recall that the last time Dave invited rosterbation he said that would be it for the year.

  27. MarinerDan on July 24th, 2007 12:35 pm

    I seem to recall that the last time Dave invited rosterbation he said that would be it for the year.

    That’s true, but he also said he would have a “if Dave were GM before the trade deadline” post up shortly.

  28. Brian Rust on July 24th, 2007 12:43 pm

    It’s a good think Ichiro isn’t as enlightened as the USSM commentariat, or he never would have signed on for another five years.

  29. Brian Rust on July 24th, 2007 12:43 pm

    A good thing, that is.

  30. Twin Cities Mariner on July 24th, 2007 12:50 pm

    so, we’re not in the running for texiera….how surprising. oh, maybe not considering we have a stellar 1B as it is.

  31. geofftoons on July 24th, 2007 12:55 pm

    For anyone that’s interested in rosterbation, is available!

  32. DAMellen on July 24th, 2007 1:02 pm

    Rob Neyer had something to say about us. It’s not anything we haven’t covered before, but I thought it was a decent read.

  33. Colm on July 24th, 2007 1:05 pm

    Texiera is going to cost someone a small fortune in prospects, if he is traded. We have Broussard propping up the bench. It would cost the Mariners precisely nothing to upgrade their production from first base.

  34. Colm on July 24th, 2007 1:06 pm

    64 – I’m inclined to agree. Guillen looks every bit as horrible defensively as Ibanez does. He’s hitting better though.

  35. msb on July 24th, 2007 1:31 pm

    sigh. Groz thinks the M’s offense is fixed because of the runs scored in Texas.

  36. Twin Cities Mariner on July 24th, 2007 1:43 pm

    i’m not happy when our upgrade at 1B is at best an average mlb player. and i’m not tickled pink about the long-term prospects of having him platoon w/ a 15 million dollar per year player for the next 1.5 years considering he is, at best, mediocre on the defensive end.

  37. kenshabby on July 24th, 2007 2:35 pm

    Superbly witty. Dave has a bright future ahead as a stand-up comedian if he so wishes – with a shtick like this he could revitalize the defunct comedy duo. Just needs to find the perfect comedy partner.

  38. schmicky on July 24th, 2007 8:34 pm

    What really scares me is the prospect of the store trading away the WII for something like a cell phone they used in the eighties…you know the ones I’m talking about,huge and usually carried in a brief case. That is what scares me.

    Vidro played a couple of times at first and did alright. He is better suited their than a hovering barely over the Mendoza line Sexon. I really thought Mac would see the light. I think he does not want to stir the pot, being the new Cheff in the kitchen?

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