Reimagining The Mariners
I’m stealing Jeff Sullivan’s gimmick here, but he’ll forgive me, I’m sure.
If the Mariners were a second-hand store…
Dave: Hey Bill – nice to see you again.
Bill: Call me William, son.
Dave: Uhh, err, right, sorry. Mind if I look around?
William: Why don’t I give you the tour instead – okay? Okay.
Dave: Do I have a choice?
William: Let’s start off over here with my pride and joy – my first chemistry set.
Dave: It looks broken.
William: Nonsense. Pat made this thing years ago, but some jerk stole it from him and made all kinds of great stuff with it. Right before he gave me the store, he bought it back from the guy. I haven’t figured out how to do all the stuff it used to do, but just having it around makes me feel like a winner, you know?
Dave: You’ve got some cracked…
William: I prefer the term weathered.
Dave: Whatever. You’ve got, uhh, weathered test tubes in a prime display case.
William: I think they make everything in the store better.
William: You’re here, aren’t you? Were you here when I didn’t have them? Okay then. Let’s move on.
William: Over here is my new favorite toy – an awesome IPod.
Dave scrolls through the list of songs.
Dave: It looks like this thing still has someone else’s music on it.
William: I know! That’s the best part. It’s got every hit single you could think of. The Macarena, Mambo #5, Life is a Highway, all of em!
Dave: These songs suck. Why would you load up an IPod with nothing but old singles?
William: It’s an IPod, and these songs got all kinds of radio play. What’s not to like?
Dave: Seems like a waste of a perfectly good technology to me.
Dave: Hey, is that a crown?
William: Yea, but it’s not all its cracked up to be.
Dave: What? It looks amazing.
William: It was great for a few days, but then it broke. The jewels kept falling out, so I stopped wearing it for a while. I wear it sometimes now, but this thing has some bad juju. It always slips off when I’m trying to impress the girl at the fruit stand outside.
Dave: Have you considered that maybe your head isn’t perfectly shaped for a crown?
William: I’m sorry, but I don’t listen to critiques from locals.
Dave: Uhh, okay. What else you got?
William: Ooh, you’ll like this. This guy from Atlanta sold me this awesome 2005 calendar. Said it helped him remember to do all kinds of things.
Dave: But it’s 2007. That calendar hasn’t been useful in two years. And it looks like it’s been marked on. What did you give him for this?
William: Oh, nothing much. Just my guard dog.
Dave: You gave up your dog for a two year old calendar? That dog was awesome!
William: It’s okay. I felt like he was losing his bark, and I got this cute little puppy to replace him.
Dave: The one that’s peeing on your carpet right now?
William: HEY! STOP THAT!
Dave: How old is it? Three months? What did you expect?
William: He was scaring all the other puppies, so I thought he’d get mean in a hurry.
Dave: That’s logical…
William: So you don’t want the calendar? I know it looks like crap now, but I’ve heard it will look great once you get it home. Only $100.
Dave: I can buy a 2007 calendar, brand new, for $3.99. What were you thinking?
William: The Atlanta guy said it was great for him, and he’s one of the best antique store owners around.
Dave: Probably because he trades used calendars for guard dogs.
William: Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of that.
Dave: You have any good stuff around here?
William: Oh yea. Let me show you the most expensive thing in the store. It’s huge.
Dave: Well, I’m not really looking for something enormous. I just want something that works.
William: Here it is – the worlds biggest umbrella!
Dave: William – there’s a hole in it.
William: It’s okay – I use it all the time. It’s very impressive.
Dave: Don’t you get wet?
William: Well, yea, but can you imagine how awesome this thing would be if without the hole? You could fit 25 people under here!
Dave: But it does have a hole. How do you plan on fixing it?
William: I figure it will either fix itself, or the chemistry set over there will make it all better.
Dave: Really? That’s the plan? Wait for it to repair itself or hope that the magic chemistry set causes the umbrella to grow a new piece of cloth?
William: Do you have a better idea?
Dave: You could, I don’t know, use that smaller umbrella over there. Doesn’t look like there’s any holes in that one.
William: That one’s no good. Tried it last year, couldn’t figure out how to make it work, and it has already been discarded by several others.
Dave: But it doesn’t have a hole, right? Isn’t it worth giving it another shot?
William: You’re too young to understand.
Dave: Okay, you know William, I like you, and I love your store, but you have to have something around here that’s not useless.
UPS guy arrives
UPS guy: Hey William – here’s your shipment of Wiis. Where do you want em?
William: Stick ’em in the back room. I don’t have any room for them out here.
Dave: Wait! You’re putting a shipment of brand new Wiis in the back because your store is already full of crap? Do you know how fast these things will sell? Move stuff around! I’ll even help you. Here, give me a hand with the chemistry set.
William: No, I can’t. I’ve never sold a Wii before. I don’t know how it will work. What if it doesn’t live up to the hype?
Dave: You realize everyone in the world wants one of these, and every store who has them is putting them in a huge display, right? It’s a lock.
William: Nothing is a lock. I bet big on the pet rock when you were still in diapers, and I got burned. I’ll never forget the lesson from that debacle. When you get older, you’ll realize there’s more to it than just selling the hot new thing.
Dave: I… really? You won’t put the Wii out front because of the pet rock?
William: You gotta respect history. Dad always told me to never get away from the things we do best.
Dave: Didn’t your dad sell black and white TVs?
William: Better than anyone.
Dave: And you don’t think anything has changed since then?
William: Selling will never change. It’s a simple thing. You’ve never owned a store, so you just don’t know.
Dave: Okay, William. I can’t argue with that. Can I see that, uhh, weathered chemistry set again?