Mariners produce annual crop of short brainwashing propoganda films

DMZ · March 13, 2008 at 3:43 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Designed to make you so excited for the coming season you vomit with excitement.

Eight of them. They’re only available if you have Windows Media Player v7 or “better”, presumably because the Mariners are paying off MLBAM though it’s still pretty rude to everyone out there who can’t watch because they’re not available in a more reasonable format.

A brief summary of the new commercials:
Yuniesky Betancourt, after being deemed a magician by Dave Niehaus, performs a series of tricks worthy of a ten-year old who went on a spending spree at the joke shop with the $5 he saved up from donating plasma on the black market.

Jose Vidro is not actually one hitter: the Mariners are violating major league roster rules by using two Vidros, one named Pepe, and disturbingly, the man in charge of the team’s rosters was not aware that he’d acquired both halves of the platoon, that both were in uniform (and had been for a year), even though he’d traded for Jose only a year ago*.

The Mariners pay so little for equipment that they risk one of the team’s best players in batting practice in order to protect an easily-replaceable coach.

After attempting to lure Felix into a mustache-growing contest to demonstrate their manliness and show up the younger, spotlight-stealing player, Jarrod Washburn and Willie Bloomquist find themselves again emasculated by Felix’s talent.

Raul Ibanez hints darkly at the future sexual humiliation new players are forced to undergo at the fluffy, warm paws of the Moose.

Ichiro! is sometimes spelled P-I-M-P

JJ Putz discovers that the fungo bat has been coated in strongly hallucinogenic pine tar.

I look forward to a long thread reminiscing about commercials past. Oh, those were the days. And we haven’t had a comment thread veer off into discussion of the good old commercials in oh, a few hours or so.

* Bavasi does crack me up in this, though.

Comments

92 Responses to “Mariners produce annual crop of short brainwashing propoganda films”

  1. Some Dude on March 14th, 2008 9:09 am

    Wow, they’re just commercials guys. You act like someone insulted your religion. Oh wait…

    And on topic, I don’t “get” the moose commercial.

  2. wallywwu on March 14th, 2008 9:12 am

    My favorite is still the one where Pinella tells Cammy to move over a little to his left and then a meteor lands right where he was standing. That was great.

  3. DMZ on March 14th, 2008 9:14 am

    Yeah, seriously, we can’t have a stupid post about commercials without it getting all persnickity? Come on, we’re going to be reduced to posting pictures of kittens, at which point I assume we’ll be overwhelmed with complaints about kittens and the depth of field in the photo.

  4. Jeff Nye on March 14th, 2008 9:23 am

    Are they replacement-level kittens?

  5. B_Con on March 14th, 2008 9:30 am

    You can’t replace a kitten.

  6. Graham on March 14th, 2008 9:35 am

    I’d never complain about kittens. They’re always so tasty.

  7. arbeck on March 14th, 2008 9:38 am

    B_Con,

    A kitten is easily replaced with a ferret.

  8. Mat on March 14th, 2008 9:42 am

    Personally, I only watch for the commercials. Oops, wrong sport.

  9. joser on March 14th, 2008 9:52 am

    Kittens don’t have the veteran presence to stand up to bees. Nor the grit of ponies.

    However, I do look forward to the Safeco outfield completely covered with balls of yarn.

  10. Luke on March 14th, 2008 9:58 am

    Almost all of them got a laugh out of me–the only thing I find disappointing is the tag line, but those are pretty hard (and, I think, pointless) to come up with for sports clubs since most don’t “stand” for anything other than the sport they play.
    The only team that I think has a remotely good motto is Barça: Més que un club.

  11. thewyrm on March 14th, 2008 10:06 am

    I’m actually looking forward to logging on the 21st to see the bloopers and extra long fungo episode.

  12. Mo Vaughn Is My Hero on March 14th, 2008 10:12 am

    I like the Felix one the most. The best Mariners commercial was that 2002 one where the Mariners “played” the 1906 Cubs.

  13. vin on March 14th, 2008 10:15 am

    Next season they should make every ad like the Fungo ad. Dance parties with different players choosing the music. I just love me some ball players dancing.

  14. sulles on March 14th, 2008 10:34 am

    #61:
    You can see the bloopers right now in the P-I article.

  15. joser on March 14th, 2008 10:40 am

    Dance parties with different players choosing the music. I just love me some ball players dancing.

    Didn’t one of our USSMers see Yuni dancing somewhere? I think it was Lauren, but maybe that’s just because I always associate her with Yuni. And with parties, dancing, and other debauchery.

  16. PositivePaul on March 14th, 2008 10:41 am

    I haven’t seen the link here, but it should be appropriate to provide a link to the M’s site with ALL the commercials dating back to 1994.

    Gotta love the classics!

  17. RoninX on March 14th, 2008 10:41 am

    @ 42 – Man, I loved those Eagle Hardware comercials. Randy Johnson walking around Eagle Hardware in a bathrobe… soooo classic.

  18. PositivePaul on March 14th, 2008 10:58 am

    Just for you, DAMellen:

    Russ Davis gets down…

  19. PositivePaul on March 14th, 2008 11:02 am

    Heh. I have the hat Rene Lachemann wore in this commercial.

  20. dlb on March 14th, 2008 11:39 am

    They need to have a commercial that just features Red in the background dancing and worshiping Beltre.

  21. joser on March 14th, 2008 11:51 am

    They could hire Red as a kind of commercial mascot. Kind of like that weird little bald guy with glasses in the ads for Six Flags. Wait, that’s an awful idea. Forget I mentioned it.

    They certainly could do an ad that leveraged all the fan enthusiasm for the rally fries. Between those costumes, Red, and the usual crowd signs and cheer shots you could put together a pretty fine “excitement” ad without breaking a sweat. I’ve never checked, but I assume you’ve waived all the rights to your likeness by attending the game.

  22. PositivePaul on March 14th, 2008 12:14 pm

    They need to have a commercial that just features Red in the background dancing and worshiping Beltre.

    I was at FanFest with Red and during the Q/A session, one of the folks that makes the commercials was there in the crowd and asked a silly question about the commercials, upon which I believe it was Rizzs pointed out who he was. I recall some conversation about them inviting Red down to ST to film the next series of commercials, but my old brain doesn’t recall the specifics well enough for me to remember if that was a convo I had with someone sitting next to me, or if someone suggested it out loud…

  23. eponymous coward on March 14th, 2008 12:25 pm

    Come on, we’re going to be reduced to posting pictures of kittens, at which point I assume we’ll be overwhelmed with complaints about kittens and the depth of field in the photo.

    Every time you argue pointlessly on USSM, God sends a swarm of angry bees after a kitten.

    Please, won’t someone think of the kittens?

  24. msb on March 14th, 2008 12:41 pm

    not commercial-related, but Edgar is on today’s ST broadcast, and it is so nice to hear him just sitting and visiting.

  25. Jar on March 14th, 2008 12:45 pm

    msb, yes, I am listening right now. It is a very nostalgic moment. I love to hear him and Dave tell stories.

  26. joser on March 14th, 2008 12:49 pm

    With all this commercial talk I was kind of hoping to hear him say “I think we’ll play outside today” Or, when the broken bat went down the line: “Hmm, that’s a problem.”

  27. msb on March 14th, 2008 12:49 pm

    “what is it with you guys? Why kittens? Why can’t you just use money like everybody else?”

  28. msb on March 14th, 2008 1:20 pm

    With all this commercial talk I was kind of hoping to hear him say “I think we’ll play outside today” Or, when the broken bat went down the line: “Hmm, that’s a problem.”

    I’m just happy to hear him say things like “it’s yust her tonsils” and (when asked if he still does his eye exercises) “NO!”

  29. royal curve on March 14th, 2008 2:17 pm

    “a neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker!”

    i loved the fungo one, i thought it was hilarious.

  30. metz123 on March 14th, 2008 2:44 pm

    They all stink but that’s why I have a TiVo and prefer to listen to games on the radio while doing something else.

    Honestly, 2 out of the 8 didn’t make me cringe. That’s better than most PR campaigns I’ve seen in the past 10 years.

    For every great commercial the M’s have put out in the past, they’ve put out 6 stinkers. We remember the ones we loved and conveniently stuffed the other ones into the corner recesses of our minds. Some of the ones being referred to here were put out by Nike and Eagle, not the M’s.

    I’ll still take no commercials over any other alternative….

  31. Tom on March 14th, 2008 2:56 pm

    The Ichiro commercial was genius!!!!!

    That was actually a nod to a old advertisement sign at Ebbets Field (home of the old Brooklyn Dodgers) right by the right field fence that proclaimed “Hit Sign, Win Suit” (which only one player ever won by hitting it on the fly according to Wikipedia). The “Fungo” commercial is the funniest and the one revolving around Yuni is quirky and funny in its own way. But my god, the Ichiro commercial was genius. What a great tribute to a somewhat forgotten time in baseball history.

  32. mcfly on March 14th, 2008 4:31 pm

    You gotta love these guys – that was such a great slogan. Cause they really made you love the players as characters. Brilliant.

    Then, there was my favorite commercials:

    Junior inside pitchers head.

    Norm Norm Charlton.

    The ubiquitous “yeah, Shiggy!”

    Why is abreviation such a long word.

    Freddie gonna make it after all, like Mary Tyler Moore.

    Ooo lah lah.

    Edgar teaching the foreign players to say “Puyallup”

    Last years were all garbage, except for Raul’s L one, cause its true, he can act.

  33. gwangung on March 14th, 2008 4:42 pm

    For every great commercial the M’s have put out in the past, they’ve put out 6 stinkers

    Which beats Sturgeon’s Law…but just barely…

  34. Paul B on March 14th, 2008 6:55 pm

    I hated the Mariners Shopping Network ads so much I wrote an email to the organization asking them, “How can you kick us in the balls with these lame commercials when that’s all we poor fans have to look forward to each year since you aren’t serious about a World Series title.”

    When I read that, I suddenly had a mental image of the M’s execs sitting next to a vault filled with piles of cash, one of them laughing so hard he’s wiping tears, and saying “hey guys, look at this one, this is the best one yet!”

  35. terry on March 14th, 2008 7:55 pm

    Bavasi kicks arse and the moose is, well, disturbing.

    Finally, I’m a little scared to find out just what the mojo is…

  36. westfried on March 14th, 2008 8:47 pm

    speaking of old commercials – is there any way to find the old radio commercials? I think it was ’95, when they did the “you gotta love these guys” – Edger… guy hits a frozen rope and walks old ladies accross the street, Danny – has that engineering degree to fall back on, etc. I’d love to hear those again…

  37. Tom on March 14th, 2008 11:02 pm

    Remember the one where A-Rod is consoling Joey Cora after a loss in Spring Training in ’96?

  38. msb on March 15th, 2008 7:07 am

    I find it entertaining that so many ads now being mentioned as favorites were dismissed when they came out as ‘yeah, but they’re not as good as the ones in 19–‘ 🙂

  39. msb on March 15th, 2008 2:25 pm

    Rizzs filling Blowers in on what he missed so far at spring training:

    “and yesterday, Yuni drew a walk! …”

  40. John D. on March 15th, 2008 4:56 pm

    Re: # 15 – I always thought the commercials sucked anyway.

    and # 32They all suck.

    It’s not that they suck; it’s that the Ms are giving us them instead of good, sound baseball.
    (And we’re satisfied.)

  41. pygmalion on March 15th, 2008 5:23 pm

    I think that whoever said that the problems, such as they are, are due to the lack of identifiably public personae among the players, is right. What makes those Edgar / Randy / Moyer commercials work is that we have a feeling for who these people are, or at least, they have a certain image that the commercials could play off of. Among the current players only Ichiro! really has an interesting public persona, although the younger players could develop their own with some time.

    Someone really should do something to exploit Miguel Batista being a published author though. That alone provides good opportunities for comedy.

  42. sm3346 on March 15th, 2008 5:29 pm

    def. have to say that the best one of all time is edgar installing “the clapper” into the lights at safeco…and then the fans turning the lights on and off…classic…

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