Mariners produce annual crop of short brainwashing propoganda films
Designed to make you so excited for the coming season you vomit with excitement.
Eight of them. They’re only available if you have Windows Media Player v7 or “better”, presumably because the Mariners are paying off MLBAM though it’s still pretty rude to everyone out there who can’t watch because they’re not available in a more reasonable format.
A brief summary of the new commercials:
Yuniesky Betancourt, after being deemed a magician by Dave Niehaus, performs a series of tricks worthy of a ten-year old who went on a spending spree at the joke shop with the $5 he saved up from donating plasma on the black market.
Jose Vidro is not actually one hitter: the Mariners are violating major league roster rules by using two Vidros, one named Pepe, and disturbingly, the man in charge of the team’s rosters was not aware that he’d acquired both halves of the platoon, that both were in uniform (and had been for a year), even though he’d traded for Jose only a year ago*.
The Mariners pay so little for equipment that they risk one of the team’s best players in batting practice in order to protect an easily-replaceable coach.
After attempting to lure Felix into a mustache-growing contest to demonstrate their manliness and show up the younger, spotlight-stealing player, Jarrod Washburn and Willie Bloomquist find themselves again emasculated by Felix’s talent.
Raul Ibanez hints darkly at the future sexual humiliation new players are forced to undergo at the fluffy, warm paws of the Moose.
Ichiro! is sometimes spelled P-I-M-P
JJ Putz discovers that the fungo bat has been coated in strongly hallucinogenic pine tar.
I look forward to a long thread reminiscing about commercials past. Oh, those were the days. And we haven’t had a comment thread veer off into discussion of the good old commercials in oh, a few hours or so.
* Bavasi does crack me up in this, though.