Why baseball should be more like pro wrestling

DMZ · June 5, 2008 at 8:00 am · Filed Under Mariners 

Saturday June 14th

“…and with that grand slam home run, the Washington Nationals are up 8-0 here with no outs in the top of the first, and you can hear the boo birds roosting at Safeco.”
“No question, Dave, those are not seagulls by any means.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard the crowd this angry. And who can blame them? It’s a beautiful day for what has turned into an ugly, ugly game.”
“Washburn has not had the command of his breaking pitches tonight, and that’s forced him to come over the plate with his fastball…”
“And we have all seen what happens then. Jarrod kicking at the rubber on the mound, but friends, I don’t think that is going — there’s some kind of disturbance in the M’s dugout, I’m not–”
“Is that Silva?”
“Carlos Silva’s come out from the clubhouse tunnel, holding a, a hot dog in each hand, his mouth, he looks like a chipmunk, and now he’s running across the field–”
“He looks scared, Dave.”
“Indeed he does, he looks flat out terrified. What could scare Silva away from the clubhouse spread?”
“Oh my word, fans, this is a historic moment, walking onto the field now is Mr. Hiroshi Yamauchi, the man who for all intents and purposes owns the Mariners!”
“That is a great-looking suit, no question about it.”
“One of the richest men in the world, I believe he is or at one time was the richest man in all of Japan. And would you believe that even though he has owned the Mariners in one way or another for sixteen years, he has never been to Safeco Field to see his team play, though he is a huge baseball fan?”
“No doubt about it, you can see that he looks great for an 81-year old man.”
“Indeed he does, Mike, but how did he get here? He doesn’t travel much at all, as I understand it.”
“I’m not sure, but NWA does have a non-stop, it would have arrived here some time this morning, I remember from my time in Japan when I had to connect…”
“I can’t believe that he would fly all this way to see Jarrod Washburn start, if I may be honest.”
“No Dave, that does seem a little puzzling, you’re right.”
“When did he get here? Why didn’t word get out that he was at the park? Who is that with him?”
“I’m not sure either, but right now I’m wondering why he would carrying a folding chair?”
“I’m told that that’s Mr. Yamauchi’s son in law, Minoru Arakawa! The first president of Nintendo of America!”
“He’s on the Mariners board, isn’t he?”
“Johjima is out from behind the plate, mask off, he looks a little pale, he’s waving his arms and saying something as he tries to get out there.”
“Ichiro is sprinting in from the outfield… he’s shouting something, hard to tell what he’s saying from here…”
“Mr. Yamauchi now taking the chair, does he want to sit and talk to– Washburn is down! Washburn has — and again, right over the back, Washburn is down.”
“And you’ll notice the police aren’t moving at all.”
“The crowd is stunned, the M’s dugout emptying on the field, and now Johjima! Johjima has begun stomping Washburn, who is lying on the grass not moving–”
“Well you have to take advantage of your opponent in a situation like this–”
“McLaren appears to be pleading with Mr. Yamauchi here.”
“Mac trying to be the voice of reason–”
“Arakawa from behind! McLaren staggers and — this is insanity! Mr. Yamauchi now — Vidro is down! Sexson now charging from the dugout with a bat–”
“Richie having an off year swinging, they’ve been working with him on his stance–”
“Misses wildly, and gets a chair to the face for his efforts! This is carnage!”
“And you can hear the crowd is really behind his efforts.”
“Umpires signaling the game is forfeit. I wonder though, and I think the crowd here would agree, wasn’t it already lost? The Nationals are running off the field now –”
“Joe’s Tracker showing that chair shot got Sexson right in the forehead, which explains the massive bleeding –”
“And now team president Howard Lincoln comes out of the tunnel, and oh, oh no–”
“Oh, he realizes what’s happened now.”
“Mr. Yamauchi staring at him across this field littered with victims, teammates fighting, and you can see the color draining right out of him.”
“There’s no question, he’s a lot more green than we usually see him.”
“Mr. Yamauchi just staring, staring, and Lincoln now runs back for the tunnel! But the ballboys with the clothesline! Oh my god I have never seen anything like this in all my years.”
“This reminds me of spring training with the Yankees in 1990, when Steinbrenner got into the medical supply cabinet–”
“I’m sorry — what? Now? You can’t — Folks, that’s it from Safeco Field where the Mariners lose a forfeit loss, but there may be hope as it appears that de facto owner Yamauchi has traveled all the way to Seattle to take out his frustrations on the team, and we’ll have more right after this.”


64 Responses to “Why baseball should be more like pro wrestling”

  1. fermorules on June 5th, 2008 11:04 am

    Great stuff….as usual!


  2. dusto on June 5th, 2008 11:22 am

    [please don’t advertise for other sites here, thanks]

  3. KaminaAyato on June 5th, 2008 11:36 am

    It would probably be more funny for me if I didn’t have a Japanese baseball perspective.

    The only way Yamauchi would change things I think is if the team starts losing money. The NPB system is so broken with teams just marketing their corporate brand (for those that saw “The Zen of Bobby V”, they’ll know what I mean). A Japanese baseball team making money is a rare find – which is why teams covet the posting fee for players.

    I don’t know if Yamauchi and co. in Japan are seeing the debacle that is the Mariners, but can someone please send the message to him that the team is worse than the Yokohama Baystars? They’re the laughingstock of the NPB and perhaps if he got that message, he’d realize that change is needed.

  4. jlc on June 5th, 2008 11:46 am

    Love the Blowers’ lines, but I got my own psychic satisfaction from watching Washburn get the crap beat out of him by Kenji.

    Catharsis is great. Thanks.

  5. Xteve X on June 5th, 2008 11:55 am

    “Vidro’s also grabbing a bat and running towards Yamauchi trying to make peace.”

    “Well Jose’s a professional hitter, Dave, no question about it, so he should be able to take advantage of the old man here.”

    “Jose’s still running towards the mound…Aaaand he’s about a third of the way there…still going…Mr. Yamauchi sees him and is dropping into what I can only describe as a crane stance from the movie the Karate Kid…”

    “No question about it Dave, that’s the Karate Kid stance all the way.”

    “Jose’s about halfway to the mound now and clearly flagging…Mr. Yamauchi is running towards towards him and … MY OH MY, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?? DOWN GOES VIDRO! DOWN GOES VIDRO! DOWN GOES VIDRO! I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! DOWN GOES VIDRO!”

  6. Nuss on June 5th, 2008 12:04 pm

    This is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a while, supported by appropriately snarky comments. Thanks.

  7. Karen on June 5th, 2008 12:22 pm

    Derek, that is so damn’d funny I’m at a loss for words… 😀

  8. Karen on June 5th, 2008 12:27 pm

    Except for this: I hope that DMZ blog post is going into the All Time Best archives.

  9. Nintendo Marios on June 5th, 2008 1:52 pm

    I lost it at Lincoln getting clotheslined by the batboy.

    My own version of this fantasy involves the crowd throwing Wii, DS and Gamecubes onto the field.

  10. Evan R. on June 5th, 2008 2:33 pm

    It’s “Joe’s Tracer,” people!

  11. HerseyChris on June 5th, 2008 6:27 pm

    Thanks, after a crappy day (and week and year for that matter) at work, this hilarious article is just what I needed to feel better.

  12. mln on June 6th, 2008 1:50 am

    Given the recent basebrawls like the Red Sox vs. Tampa Rays fight, you could say that baseball is becoming more like pro wrestling. Even Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youklis were fighting each other in the Sox dugout for some reason.

  13. forte40 on June 6th, 2008 10:39 am

    Maybe if the M’s were involved with more brawls, like the Rays, they would improve. They just need to start a needless rivalry with the best team in their division, fight them twice a year, and within a couple years they will be in first, just like the Rays. Ya, it could work. By the DMZ, SonicsCentral gave you some props on this post, one of the best of the year.

  14. scott19 on June 6th, 2008 12:19 pm

    Almost fell off my chair laughing at this one, Derek…too freaking hilarious!

    I wonder if we could invite Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano back for a steel cage rematch as well?! 🙂

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