The Silva Burger

DMZ · July 20, 2008 at 2:49 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

From this fine comment:

Rick Griffin: “Hey Carlos, you don’t look so good. Is it your elbow?”
Silva: “I saw a fan eating a hamburger. *gets animated* I didn’t know we HAD those here. ”
Griffin: “You know you just gave up a 3 run homer to Kelly Shoppach right?”
Silva: “… I mean, you could probably put the garlic fries right inside the bun with the meat!”

The Silva Burger

– one hamburger patty, large or extremely large, must not be “lean” or “extra lean” ground beef
– your choice of condiments and hamburger toppings
– hamburger bun
– one order of garlic fries

1. Grill the burger to preferred state. If you’re impatient for the deliciousness of the Silva Burger, very rare takes the least amount of time, and you’ll be fine. Tapeworms = no-effort weight loss anyway.
2. Put grilled patty on bun bottom
3. Dump garlic fries onto patty
4. Stack with condiments and lettuce, etc
5. Finish with bun top

Additional success scenarios:
1a. Use layer of bacon to protect bun bottom from patty.
3a. Use layer of bacon between patty, fries
4a. Additional layer of bacon

Serves one given sufficient starting patty size. Should be consumed before starts, followed by getting shelled and pulled for either ineffectiveness, stomach pains, or emitting clouds of noxious gasses.


66 Responses to “The Silva Burger”

  1. rufusgufus on July 20th, 2008 10:44 pm

    I suspect that Silva has become half again the pitcher that Lee is.

  2. mike on July 20th, 2008 10:52 pm

    That burger sucks unless you put a fried egg on it.

  3. TumwaterMike on July 20th, 2008 10:54 pm

    I heard Silva won’t miss a start-Is that good news or bad?

  4. Breadbaker on July 20th, 2008 11:25 pm

    I grew up watching one of the all-time great fat pitchers, in Portland’s own Mickey Lolich. The Mick used his weight for a purpose, which was to sling fastballs past hitters. Plus, he was the anti-Bedard, an innings behemoth (check out his 1971 line, with 376 IP and 29 CG, it looks like something out of the 1910’s). One cool thing about his is that he did everything in life righthanded except pitch, which meant that he could put all his energy into pitching (and with potential energy like he had, that was a lot).

    But excess weight is a tradeoff for a pitcher, making him less agile and a worse fielder, and putting strain on knees and ankles and hips.

    With Silva, I don’t see that he gets any benefit out of it. Certainly, that ain’t Mickey Lolich’s (or Colon’s or Sabathia’s) fastball crossing the plate.

  5. scott19 on July 20th, 2008 11:46 pm

    54: And of course, The Mick also opened his own doughnut shop in Lake Orion, MI after he retired from the game — though I’m not sure if that’s still around these days or not.

  6. Dave in Palo Alto on July 21st, 2008 12:04 am

    My favorite recipe from Jeff Nye’s excellent link in 36 is here. So pure. So true.

  7. scott19 on July 21st, 2008 12:33 am

    My favorite recipe from Jeff Nye’s excellent link in 36 is here. So pure. So true.

    Agreed…that link is totally hilarious! 🙂

    Though I’m still trying to figure out what exactly the nutritional value would be for Head Cheese Jell-O Souffle — or whatever that dreadful-looking concoction is.

  8. JMHawkins on July 21st, 2008 7:09 am

    James Lileks rocks.

  9. Karen on July 21st, 2008 7:38 am

    I actually drove up to Lolich’s donut shop one time when I was in Detroit. I was more interested in talking to him than ordering a bag of donuts… I didn’t think he was overweight much at all, just a little roundness to his tummy and no other really gross extraneous poundage (he was wearing a snug-fitting knit polo shirt at the time).

    He and I chatted about baseball and his life after baseball for about 15 minutes, and he posed underneath the sign out front for a picture. Dang! Why didn’t I buy a couple of donuts and make a donut sandwich???


    RE: #24 msb’s report of Sunday Times’ Backtalk section:

    Evidently Sexson has the same mindset as these two deluded fans who think it’s the M’s fault, the M’s fans’ fault.

    On another message board a Yankee fan rather smugly told me,

    “Richie also said it’s more fun playing for a contender than it is playing for a team 20 games out of first place. Interesting thought.”

    Yeah, interesting, all right. I guess Richie is practicing selective memory loss now that he’s wearing the sainted pinstripes…he’s forgotten that HE’S a major cause why the M’s are 20 games out of 1st place.

    Of course signing him in the first place is only one of at least a dozen stupid moves the M’s have made in the past 3 years.


    Sigh… I’m old enough to remember seeing actual copies of that cookbook (saving grace: I was too young to actually PREPARE anything from the cookbook though, and that’s probably why I’m still alive today).

  10. ajdaddy on July 21st, 2008 9:07 am

    Mmmm. Garlic fries on a burger…why didn’t I think of that! I put fries, potato chips, and have tried potato salad (41) and they’re all good. And as an aside, I think that enough super solid stats-based material is on this blog to allow for humor, beer reviews, food asides, and whatever else they come up with. Just make sure you hit the contribution button so that we can keep this site ticking over!

  11. JerBear on July 21st, 2008 9:30 am

    Red Robin’s Whiskey River BBQ Burger with the onion straws on it is pretty dang good. It’s definitely one of my fave restaurant burgers. But usually I just grab In-N-Out every couple weeks or so. Back in good old Post Falls, ID there’s a little grubby place called “Rob’s Seafood & Burgers” (AND Discount Cigarettes)…I never had the nerve to try their seafood, but their burgers dripped of grease and deliciousness.

    P.S. I just edited this post and it rocked my face off.

  12. scott19 on July 21st, 2008 11:09 am

    Speaking of tacky little places, there used to be a local chain back where I grew up in Michigan called “Mr. Hot Dog”. It was similar in a way to Dick’s, but with a somewhat expanded menu…and the key to “dining” there was always to know what to order (i.e. hot dogs, grilled cheese, fish & chips — which were always good) and what not to order (burgers and chicken — which were always nasty and far more edible elsewhere).

    P.S.: BTW, I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I love this edit feature as well…thanks! 🙂

  13. PositivePaul on July 21st, 2008 11:18 am

    So long as the burgers are seasoned with bacon salt, that sounds about right. I mean, sure, you’ve left room for bacon, but you can never have enough bacon.

    Now swap out the buns for Krispy Kreme donuts, and it gets both Silva’s AND Vidro’s stamp of approval…

  14. 6-4-3 on July 21st, 2008 2:36 pm

    The whole ripping on Vidro and Silva for being fat thing is getting kinda lame.

    They suck because they don’t have above average major league talent – not because they’re fat.

    I can handle a pitcher being fat if they can still get the job done, but a batter needs to run the bases. Vidro would suck less if he could run the bases and he could run the bases better if he lost weight. These guys are professional athletes, after all.

  15. scott19 on July 21st, 2008 2:57 pm

    I can handle a pitcher being fat if they can still get the job done, but a batter needs to run the bases.

    Or, at least hit the ball consistently. Toward the end of their careers, both Dave Parker and Tony Gwynn had grown considerably more portly…yet they still brought something to the table in that each could still hit pretty well (unlike Vidro).

  16. BigJared on July 21st, 2008 6:02 pm

    Weight has no effect on athletic performance.

    Imagine if the man had stayed at the MERE 305 lbs or so he started out at? I have little doubt we’d be saying, “Wilt and Bill who?” by now.

    Making fun of fat professional athletes that suck is fine. They make enough money to to hire personal chefs, trainers etc to do the groundwork….they just have to care enough to go with it.

    This inspires me………..

    The Willie Burger:

    Single slice of bread preferably some ubernatural whole grain bread because it has the most grit.
    Single meat patty. Origin of meat unimportant when you’re seriously gritty.
    1 slice Kraft Singles
    Single tomato slice
    Single lettuce leaf
    Single serving packets of ketchup, mustard and mayo. One each.
    Single pickle slice
    Single onion ring

    Stack in preceding order on bread and serve with small glass of whine.

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