What’s the worst Mariner gift?
After reading this fine Bill Simmons column I started to search for M’s items. And then I thought “it’s okay to take that idea and run with it, isn’t it?” Last year I would have said “16-game ticket pack” quickly escalating to “season tickets” but clearly that’s changing.
The stuff I found in my first couple of minutes:
Greg Hibbard autographed baseball, $24
Jose Vidro autographed bat $40 despite being presumably unscuffed by contact with balls
Richie Sexson autographed baseball $111
The $60 Mariner Door Mat (“good 75% of the time”)
What I really wanted, though, were the kind of things Simmons was writing about: a Slocumb game jersey, a Raul Ibanez glove. A Kevin Mitchell injection-used cortisone dose bottle. A Carlos Silva fondue set. What’s out there I should look forward to receiving as a gag gift from particularly cruel relatives?
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How could there be anything more cruel than a Chris Snelling Washington Nationals game jersey?
I’ve got a Bobby Ayala signed ball.
Why stop there? Slocumb was on the team in 98. That means that there must exist somewhere a game worn (well bullpen worn) Heathcliff Slocumb Turn Ahead the Clock Jersey. I have a replica A-Rod TAtCJ (I’ve never claimed to have taste or style) but I doubt that they bothered to make any other Slocumbs. Still though, they raffled off every jersey so you might be able to find it somehow.
Ugly jersey of a bad player from a game that started a universally hated promotion. That would be pretty amusing.
And come to think of it, my A-Rod Turn Ahead the Clock Jersey is mainly something I wear as a joke these days myself. Maybe I should wear it to the next gathering…
How about a Josias Manzanillo cup? At least there’s a good chance that it was unused.
Here’s a Norm Charlton signed jersey. There’s a reason they only want $14.99 for it…
You know you want it!
Ummm…. How about a Bobby Ayala Jersey… That just made me wanna grab some rolaids just typing it. Oh yeah Bill Simmons is my favorite entertaining sportswriter I have been reading his stuff for years now. . . Although the Boston related stuff can be a little much at times he writes the way I think so if you havent given his stuff a chance go to the sports guy’s world on page 2 of espn.
I wanted to find a Scott Spiezio Special at a local tattoo parlor, but all I could find was this. It has been marked down, though, if anyone wants to pick it up for DMZ…
Sorry here is the link
any chance that the M’s will pick up a non-tendered player that is a free agent today? Maybe a guy like chuck james for cheap that can do some long relief? or something along those lines?
This is fun!
Michael Garciaparra AquaSox jersey $249.99
“Extremely Rare” Ryan Anderson baseball card $100
2004 Dave Myers Game Worn jersey $99.99
2007 Topps Chrome “Superfractor” 1/1 Jeff Weaver card $75
how about a “Lefebvre Believer” bumper sticker?
A Lookout Landing shirt?
ZING!
“how about a “Lefebvre Believer†bumper sticker?”
I’ve actually got one of these, and I know where it is….right next to the Safeco Field Opening Day plexi picture frame and the blow-up Buhner dogbone.
How about Sandfrog’s album Offseason? We all know that the only reason that Speizio was signed was for his awesome rock singing talent. (End sarcasm) Perhaps this is not exactly M’s related, but should bring back some awful memories.
A signed Sandfrog album would be awesome for an M’s fan who was also into music. It’d be like a double FU
Jeff Nelson’s bone chips?
Larry Andersen autographed program? No seriously, I have a Larry Andersen autographed program. It’s the ONE autograph I’ve ever collected.
I have a ball signed by Joel Pinero another by meche one by Eddie and oh yeah a 4th of July cap M’s cap signed by none other than WFB(which later got confiscated at my HS…)
Signed Al Martin USC Linebacker Jersey.
Willie Bloomquist Autographed Game-Used ROOKIE Bat!!!!
Or even better:
Willie Bloomquist game-used autographed UNDERSHIRT!!!!
How about a Greg Briley growth chart.
I’ve never understood the Mariner golf towel giveaway, but if I got it signed by, oh, I dunno. Gaylord Perry?
How about a picture of Brian Turang, Shane Monahan and Darren Bragg with the caption “The Outfield Of The Future”?
Adam Jones signed photo…in his Baltimore uniform, of course. Only $9.99. Think how much that will be worth in 5 years.
If that’s not enough to get you excited, how about a HoRam signed baseball? Better hurry, bidding ends in just 16 hours!
How about a “Steve Kelly Guide to Writing”
Jerod Washburn wall posters. Even diffrent sizes!!! http://www.art.com/asp/search_do-asp/_/posters.htm?ui=644775913CBE48799B62B6F7D8D7DCF9
Sorry, don’t understand the link thing yet….
Teal-and-silver Vince Coleman replica jersey
If I’m not mistaken, the bumper sticker actually read: “I’m a Lefebvre Belebvre”
I would pay good money for one of those; at least $5.00
I’d put this on my wall and still be pissed about it every day:
A signed Bill Leavy #127 NFL officials jersey.
Surely there must be a Rick Mirer signed jersey out there somewhere.
For the cheapskates among us, how about a Ryan Anderson signed rookie card for a mere $0.10?
Most cringeworthy thing I can think of now: Josias Manzanillo’s unworn athletic cup, paired with Manny Ramierez’game-used bat from that fateful day.
ATV, autographed by the Mariner Moose. I heard one’s coming available at the next Safeco “scratch and dent” sale…
Optimist of the day:
A dirty Doyle jersey.
Forget Slocumb!
Were talking salt in the wounds here.
If you’re going to commemorate the worst trade in M’s history it’s gotta be a signed David Arias jersey.
Thank GOD, we got rid of that guy.
If I went back to my parents house and through their garage, I’d likely find the free hat I’m most proud of, my Mariners logoed, hot pink hat.
If you think about it nowadays, what the hell were they thinking when they thought, “I know, let’s pass out hot pink hats so most of the crowd is wearing one?” There’s some token of pride THAT marketing guru felt??
I guess it was as good of an idea as it was to have teal alternate shirts and teal hats for a while. Nothing like flashy colors to highlight the massive midsection of the likes of Chris Bosio and others.
Bloomquist undershirt? Could be worse. Could be Clint Nageotte’s.
Sticking with the Seahawks themed ones, because it seems those are easier to come up with, I vividly remember a poster on my cousin’s wall of Brian Bosworth standing on a golden brick road with Seattle way behind him in the distance glowing green. Scarecrow, Tinman, and the Lion were all in football uniforms in various degrees of dishevelment. Dorothy was looking quite the slut hanging on the beefy linebacker. The caption read “The Land of Boz”.
Here are some gems I found out there.
Chuck Armstrong signed 8×10: $5
Jim Riggleman signed 8×10: $5 This is good b/c the auction list this as “signed by the Mariner star”
How about a Japanese import of “Who Let the Dogs Out” sung by Ichiro in his native tongue.
I’ve got it…
I can’t believe that you can’t buy a Carl Everett ‘Fathead’
I have a Yuniesky Betancourt gamer from his rookie season… when he wore #3. It promptly became obsolete when the M’s signed Jose “Fat Toad” Vidro, who took that number, and Yuni moved to #5.
One of the many reasons I hated the Vidro signing from the start.
You’re not thinking of giving one of these to Dave to go along with the check form the scholarship fund, are you?
Hmmm, but you could get that special M’s fan an Arod Fathead, in a Yankees uniform.
Browsing through the Fatheads, other items of interest might be an Oakland A’s recliner (just imagine your disliked M’s fan’s thoughts everytime that chair is used), or for just about anybody you dislike, a huge Cleveland Indians logo. Make them put it in their living room.
Or maybe get a George Foreman grill and change the nameplate on it to read Carlos Silva.
I couldn’t find it online in a quick search, but the Mariners sell the actual lineup cards, signed by the manager, for something like $200-300 in the team store. For the right game, these are actually cool. But can you imagine someone getting the lineup card from this July 10th!?
Bloomquist leading off in RF, Vidro 5th, and Cairo 7th (went 0-4 and got picked off base). Dickey throws a shutout for 7 innings while the M’s plate zero runs. They lose on a walk off homer. And it’s signed by John McLaren.
In past seasons I’ve tried to find something like this or this but it seemed to only be available on the field.
Or how about just a signed picture and criminal complaint?
it’s really too bad that the Moose’s assault on a certain person was pre-cellphone camera…
I have a signed baseball by Freddy Garcia and Jeff Cirillo.
Just when I think it would be a horrible gift to give to someone; I remember that I already own it.
The fact I spent about 30 hours during the 89 or 90 Spring Training trying to obtain as many Roger Salkeld outographs as possible is sad. I also traded a Jr Upper Deck RC for a Marc Newfield signed baseball…that was bad, but Newfield was supposed to be a stud. Still, very bad.
I’m sorry, gentlemen, but there is nothing quite like the Maury Wills Mariners manager baseball card.
Even if it only costs a dime, that would be the worst dime you ever spent. The only shame is it isn’t signed by George Argyros as well as Maury himself. That might drop it to a penny.
does it come with a measuring tape?
Someone was also advertising a Pokey Reese Mariners card, but the Mariners pictured were actually Felix and Travis Blackley. So no sale.
a signed copy of “The Making of a Hitter”?
hmm.
baseball instruction from Ryan Radmanovich? Mike Marchiano? Mark Machalec?
Clint Zavaras & Mark Holzemer? Joe Oliver & Kevin Jarvis? or Rich Amaral?
How about a sideline-worn knee brace autographed by Robert Swift?
Or a sideline chair autographed by John Brisker?
How about the best Mariner gift?
I’m thinking that this development in the department of statistical analysis is looking like a pretty good bet. Zdurenciek sure has the giving spirit this time of year.
How about a hitting lesson from the guy who taught Jeff Cirillo? Only $30 per lesson.
How about a copy of Bill Bennett’s “Book of Virtues” complete with Carl Everett’s autograph?
That’s a double whammy.
The previously-mentioned Josias Manzanillo (unused) protective cup.
A Clint Nageotte game-worn cap (ewww).
A Mario Mendoza measuring tape (199 inches long!).
Willie Bloomquist brand sandpaper (It’s the Grittiest!).
Lenny Randle breath mints.
A signed copy of Miguel Batista’s novel the Avenger of Blood?
what can we get [expletive] Dave Samson?
I am thinking a Bobby Ayala gas cap would be cool. It has to be out there somewhere and in mint condition as it was never used. That would have been the best promo night ever. Come on down to the ballpark tonight and get your genuine Bobby Ayala gas cap! So get here early and watch Bobby poor gas all over the field and torch the place.
I’m disappointed with myself for not thinking of this sooner, but what about the 1992 Kid Sensation Album “The Power of Rhyme” on which Ken Griffey Jr. is featured as a guest rapper on track #8, The Way I Swing?
How about a copy of the signed contract for Greg Hibbard one of the top 3 worst free agent signings in Mariner History!
What do you consider to be the other two? So many choices, so little room.
Hibbard, at least, was involuntarily useful, as I recall. After the ALDS Game 5 in 1995 depleted the pitching staff, the M’s activated Hibbard then put him on the 60-day DL, which in turn gave them a chance to add Bob Wolcott to the 40-man and activate him to pitch Game One of the ALCS, which was one of the high points of the team’s entire history.
Oh oh! Find a long-suffering Mariners fan. Then go back in time to 2005 and give them primo season tickets for that year.
A Willie Bloomquist Memorial Pony?
Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball SNES. Probably the best baseball video game.
The Sasaki Suitcase!
(or brass knuckles, depending on which story you believe)
Adam Jones Inland Empire Game Used Jersey
$699.99
CLINT NAGEOTTE SWEATSHIRT! Not only depressing,but probably hygienically unsafe.
The Frankie Rodriguez “How To Win A Fistfight In Thirty Seconds” Video!
and its sequel, “How To Needlessly Prolong A Fistfightâ€
Ichiro Sodâ„¢ – not yet on the market and price undetermined…
Last season I was sitting in that corner seat in the front row of section 112 in right field (where the stands meet the foul line). Ichiro made a sliding catch on a line drive right in front of us and popped up to catch the runner at first for a double play. When he made the sliding catch he displaced a tiny bit of dirt (about the size of two sugar cubes) with grass attached that ended up on the warning track in foul territory just a few feet from our seats. I asked the security guy to retrieve it for me between innings and took it home.
It’s been growing in a pot in my backyard since this summer and is doing fine (it’s in the garage right now due to the cold weather). I took a first set of cuttings for friends who keep blades of it as good luck charms…
Once it starts filling out I hope to sell portions of “Ichiro Sod™†to fans of the great outfielder.
I have a Ken Cloude autographed baseball around somewhere. I remember thinking it was a pretty awful gift even when I got it back in ‘97.
Even as a Bobby Ayala fan (I know, I know), this is absurd:
[long link]
$42?!?!?!?!?! Marked down?!?!
I’m surprised you can’t find a Carl Everett Encyclopedia of Dinoaurs personally.
link’s gone…was a photo of bobby in his expos uni. They wanted $46 bucks ebfore mark down! ha!
Or maybe a CD with “Ayala Song“.
Check out the lyrics…
Ayala Song
(Parody of Delilah by Tom Jones)
I still remember the night when his hand broke that window
I miss that wandering strike zone that he cannot find
He was our closer
Now when he pitches I watch and go out of my mind
Why, why, why, Ayala?
My, oh my, Ayala!
It’s plain to see that he cannot throw strike three
His fast ball’s a big fat tomato that lands in the seats
Late in the game when they go to the pen folks start leaving
I cross my fingers although we’re still leading by four
Oh, no! It’s Ayala!
Lou puts that ball in his hand and runs start to score
Why, why, why, Ayala?
Why, Lou, why, Ayala?
Please, before he throws another ball four
Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more
Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more
God Bob Rivers is funny.