What’s the worst Mariner gift?

DMZ · December 12, 2008 at 8:14 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

After reading this fine Bill Simmons column I started to search for M’s items. And then I thought “it’s okay to take that idea and run with it, isn’t it?” Last year I would have said “16-game ticket pack” quickly escalating to “season tickets” but clearly that’s changing.

The stuff I found in my first couple of minutes:
Greg Hibbard autographed baseball, $24
Jose Vidro autographed bat $40 despite being presumably unscuffed by contact with balls
Richie Sexson autographed baseball $111
The $60 Mariner Door Mat (“good 75% of the time”)

What I really wanted, though, were the kind of things Simmons was writing about: a Slocumb game jersey, a Raul Ibanez glove. A Kevin Mitchell injection-used cortisone dose bottle. A Carlos Silva fondue set. What’s out there I should look forward to receiving as a gag gift from particularly cruel relatives?


79 Responses to “What’s the worst Mariner gift?”

  1. msb on December 13th, 2008 2:33 pm

    I’m sorry, gentlemen, but there is nothing quite like the Maury Wills Mariners manager baseball card.

    does it come with a measuring tape?

  2. Breadbaker on December 13th, 2008 2:44 pm

    Someone was also advertising a Pokey Reese Mariners card, but the Mariners pictured were actually Felix and Travis Blackley. So no sale.

  3. msb on December 13th, 2008 3:01 pm
  4. msb on December 13th, 2008 3:22 pm
  5. paul2tele on December 13th, 2008 4:50 pm

    How about a sideline-worn knee brace autographed by Robert Swift?

    Or a sideline chair autographed by John Brisker?

  6. Five Number Ones on December 13th, 2008 4:53 pm

    How about the best Mariner gift?

    I’m thinking that this development in the department of statistical analysis is looking like a pretty good bet. Zdurenciek sure has the giving spirit this time of year.

  7. Joe C on December 13th, 2008 5:15 pm

    How about a hitting lesson from the guy who taught Jeff Cirillo? Only $30 per lesson.

  8. terry on December 13th, 2008 5:48 pm

    How about a copy of Bill Bennett’s “Book of Virtues” complete with Carl Everett’s autograph?

    That’s a double whammy.

  9. MattThompson on December 13th, 2008 5:55 pm

    The previously-mentioned Josias Manzanillo (unused) protective cup.

    A Clint Nageotte game-worn cap (ewww).

    A Mario Mendoza measuring tape (199 inches long!).

    Willie Bloomquist brand sandpaper (It’s the Grittiest!).

    Lenny Randle breath mints.

  10. bakomariner on December 13th, 2008 5:55 pm

    A signed copy of Miguel Batista’s novel the Avenger of Blood?

  11. msb on December 13th, 2008 9:52 pm

    what can we get [expletive] Dave Samson?

  12. Crushgroovin on December 14th, 2008 4:30 am

    I am thinking a Bobby Ayala gas cap would be cool. It has to be out there somewhere and in mint condition as it was never used. That would have been the best promo night ever. Come on down to the ballpark tonight and get your genuine Bobby Ayala gas cap! So get here early and watch Bobby poor gas all over the field and torch the place.

  13. Robo Ape on December 14th, 2008 3:45 pm

    I’m disappointed with myself for not thinking of this sooner, but what about the 1992 Kid Sensation Album “The Power of Rhyme” on which Ken Griffey Jr. is featured as a guest rapper on track #8, The Way I Swing?

  14. Philly M's fan on December 14th, 2008 6:00 pm

    How about a copy of the signed contract for Greg Hibbard one of the top 3 worst free agent signings in Mariner History!

  15. Breadbaker on December 14th, 2008 8:43 pm

    How about a copy of the signed contract for Greg Hibbard one of the top 3 worst free agent signings in Mariner History!

    What do you consider to be the other two? So many choices, so little room.

    Hibbard, at least, was involuntarily useful, as I recall. After the ALDS Game 5 in 1995 depleted the pitching staff, the M’s activated Hibbard then put him on the 60-day DL, which in turn gave them a chance to add Bob Wolcott to the 40-man and activate him to pitch Game One of the ALCS, which was one of the high points of the team’s entire history.

  16. DMZ on December 14th, 2008 9:29 pm

    Oh oh! Find a long-suffering Mariners fan. Then go back in time to 2005 and give them primo season tickets for that year.

  17. Jeff Nye on December 14th, 2008 9:58 pm

    A Willie Bloomquist Memorial Pony?

  18. ryandirte on December 14th, 2008 11:18 pm

    Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball SNES. Probably the best baseball video game.

  19. PaulMolitorCocktail on December 14th, 2008 11:38 pm

    The Sasaki Suitcase!

    (or brass knuckles, depending on which story you believe)

  20. Slycer B on December 15th, 2008 3:00 am

    Adam Jones Inland Empire Game Used Jersey

  21. SonOfZavaras on December 15th, 2008 5:38 am

    CLINT NAGEOTTE SWEATSHIRT! Not only depressing,but probably hygienically unsafe.

  22. SonOfZavaras on December 15th, 2008 5:40 am

    The Frankie Rodriguez “How To Win A Fistfight In Thirty Seconds” Video!

  23. msb on December 15th, 2008 7:48 am

    The Frankie Rodriguez “How To Win A Fistfight In Thirty Seconds” Video!

    and its sequel, “How To Needlessly Prolong A Fistfight”

  24. Oolon on December 15th, 2008 9:28 am

    Ichiro Sodâ„¢ – not yet on the market and price undetermined…

    Last season I was sitting in that corner seat in the front row of section 112 in right field (where the stands meet the foul line). Ichiro made a sliding catch on a line drive right in front of us and popped up to catch the runner at first for a double play. When he made the sliding catch he displaced a tiny bit of dirt (about the size of two sugar cubes) with grass attached that ended up on the warning track in foul territory just a few feet from our seats. I asked the security guy to retrieve it for me between innings and took it home.

    It’s been growing in a pot in my backyard since this summer and is doing fine (it’s in the garage right now due to the cold weather). I took a first set of cuttings for friends who keep blades of it as good luck charms…

    Once it starts filling out I hope to sell portions of “Ichiro Sod™” to fans of the great outfielder.

  25. urbancamper on December 15th, 2008 9:59 am

    I have a Ken Cloude autographed baseball around somewhere. I remember thinking it was a pretty awful gift even when I got it back in ’97.

  26. BobbyAyalaFan4Life on December 15th, 2008 10:06 am

    Even as a Bobby Ayala fan (I know, I know), this is absurd:
    [long link]
    $42?!?!?!?!?! Marked down?!?!
    I’m surprised you can’t find a Carl Everett Encyclopedia of Dinoaurs personally.

  27. BobbyAyalaFan4Life on December 15th, 2008 10:21 am

    link’s gone…was a photo of bobby in his expos uni. They wanted $46 bucks ebfore mark down! ha!

  28. Oolon on December 15th, 2008 11:12 am

    Or maybe a CD with “Ayala Song“.

    Check out the lyrics…

    Ayala Song

    (Parody of Delilah by Tom Jones)

    I still remember the night when his hand broke that window
    I miss that wandering strike zone that he cannot find
    He was our closer
    Now when he pitches I watch and go out of my mind

    Why, why, why, Ayala?
    My, oh my, Ayala!
    It’s plain to see that he cannot throw strike three
    His fast ball’s a big fat tomato that lands in the seats

    Late in the game when they go to the pen folks start leaving
    I cross my fingers although we’re still leading by four
    Oh, no! It’s Ayala!
    Lou puts that ball in his hand and runs start to score

    Why, why, why, Ayala?
    Why, Lou, why, Ayala?
    Please, before he throws another ball four
    Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more
    Forgive me, Piniella, I can’t watch Ayala no more

  29. BobbyAyalaFan4Life on December 15th, 2008 12:51 pm

    God Bob Rivers is funny.

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