Hey! Where’s Carlos?

DMZ · December 24, 2008 at 11:22 am · Filed Under Mariners 

As Seattle endures another day of horrible weather we can’t dig ourselves out of, we shouldn’t lose sight of how this is a perfect example of what a selfish player Carlos Silva. He throws what, two good innings all year in a lost season and when the city could really use some clutch help, where is he? He’s probably holed up in some condo downtown, throwing bundles of hundred dollar bills into the fire to get the temperature up from 66 to 67, having fresh groceries flown in by helicopter (who are we kidding — he’s probably having trailers of Hot Pockets delivered, where a clubhouse assistant microwaves them in series so he’ll always have a warm one within arm’s reach, and as each gets just a little too cool it’s thrown off the balcony to the street where a gathered crowd of homeless people fight for their warmth and dangerous caloric value).

I’m not even saying that he needs to buy a snowplow and drive it around town helping out, though he certainly could afford to with all the money he made between pitching horribly and slagging his teammates. He could hire someone to drive it for him.

He doesn’t need to shovel snow off the sidewalks — don’t want him wrenching that back out again, inhibiting his non-existent effectiveness or something. Or for that matter, coning off closed streets. You could put a safety vest on him, use his presence to wave people away from the hills or something.

Now you might be saying “Derek, how can you reasonably expect Carlos Silva, who according to his ‘PLAYER FILE’ was born in Bolivar, Venezuela where the average low temperature never drops under 70 in a month, be expected to help pitch in here?”

And I would say “We’re hoping he’ll be an effective pitcher and good teammate next year, and he doesn’t have an experience with that, either.”

I’m sure right now hometown hero Willie “Clam-Clam” Bloomquist is out there icing streets down by hand with salt he buys out of his own pocket from markets as he goes, even though he’s a free agent and unlikely to return. Ichiro’s helping keep our morale up by filming inexplicable heart-warming Japanese game show episodes. Betancourt’s working on his defense by leading children’s clinics in snowball fighting, helping him get practice reps in throwing. Russ Branyan’s frantically trying to keep the walks clean around Safeco Field but not making much progress because the shovel only makes contact one out of every four digs or so… even Washburn’s helping the mayor’s office out with advice on how to blame this horror show of mismanagement on other people’s communication skills.

No Silva, though. But there’s always the chance the holiday spirit might still find him and the joy and charity in his heart will spur him to retire and free the M’s from his contract!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY (dooo dooo doooo, do do do doooo-doooo, do do doooo, do do do-do…)


26 Responses to “Hey! Where’s Carlos?”

  1. Stuck-In-Chicago on December 24th, 2008 11:30 am

    Hahaha. Merry Christmas.

    I think we need an update on the Papua New Guinea beer. Any good? Saving it for New Years?

  2. DMZ on December 24th, 2008 11:33 am

    Shiina Ringo, btw, is absolutely awesome, and a maker of inexplicable videos herself.

  3. msb on December 24th, 2008 11:42 am

    I’m not even saying that he needs to buy a snowplow and drive it around town helping out

    heck, even a zamboni would help out …

    you forgot to mention Washburn’s other chore, hiding behind portable deer blinds, keeping the ravening hordes of wild beasts from devouring hapless Northwesterners who are being forced to walk everywhere.

  4. Slurve on December 24th, 2008 11:46 am

    Hahaha loved the Russ Branyan reference.

  5. msb on December 24th, 2008 11:52 am

    Derek’s going a little cabin crazy.

    if I knew where to get aquavit, I’d become one of those morose, drinking Norwegians.

  6. SequimRealEstate on December 24th, 2008 12:22 pm

    I was talking to a client in Kodiak. He and his wife had a little Irish Cream in their coffee with a wood fire going and the kids still in bed.

    DMZ had the same thing with out the kids the fire or the coffee. : )

  7. msb on December 24th, 2008 12:48 pm

    one could while away the hours by reading Jim Caple’s nice, long piece about Big Lo and Seattle’s depressing year …

  8. DMZ on December 24th, 2008 1:05 pm

    I’ve been drinking only coffee all morning, and black at that.

  9. MedicineHat on December 24th, 2008 1:09 pm

    I guess asking Dickey to help out before he leaves for Minnesota is too much to ask?

  10. msb on December 24th, 2008 1:23 pm

    well, I’m off to the grocery store. anyone need anything?

  11. SethGrandpa on December 24th, 2008 2:18 pm

    This is probably my favorite USSM post ever.

  12. msb on December 24th, 2008 2:38 pm

    Seattle Channel is playing a 1980 Stan Boreson Christmas special with clips from the Clubhouse… now I really need some aquavit.

  13. thefin190 on December 24th, 2008 2:42 pm

    Hmm, I always pictured Silva being tucked away on his private island sipping on Piña Coladas, laughing at the news of the weather reports up here while he counts his money.

  14. KaminaAyato on December 24th, 2008 3:47 pm

    Shiina Ringo, btw, is absolutely awesome, and a maker of inexplicable videos herself.

    Whoa. A Shiina Ringo reference. I like, but where the heck did you hear about her? びっくりした!

  15. smb on December 24th, 2008 5:27 pm

    Caple’s piece was great…the comments section was predictably infantile though. Who knew our teams suck and/or leave town because “we” are a bunch of whiny, crying liberals? There sure are a lot of philosophical luminaries in the desert Southeast I would have loved to hear from at the end of ’07, as they apparently could have warned me of what was in store for our ’08 sports year.

    They invited Big Lo down to the first Thunder game, which was news to me. I would love to vomit eggnog into Clay Bennett’s face tonight.

  16. galaxieboi on December 24th, 2008 6:08 pm

    Oh, I’d like to do something else to Clay Bennett’s face…

    Merry Christmas everyone!! *drinks German punch for you all*

  17. OppositeField on December 24th, 2008 6:15 pm

    Post is distilled genius. Merry Christmas everybody.

  18. joebob540 on December 24th, 2008 6:19 pm

    Carlos should try spending some time in the cold. His body will burn fat to stay warm. So basically, he can slim down a bit without trying.

  19. msb on December 24th, 2008 6:50 pm

    It’s amazing to think that in ’01 the Mariners had the best overall record and on the door step to a World Series…..but I guess when you let A-Rod, Griffey Jr, and Randy Johnson go….

    yeah …. huh?

  20. Speedy Leftfielder on December 24th, 2008 7:41 pm

    I actually picture Carlos in a dark room somewhere, deciding which teammates he hates and wants to go after for no good reason next year. The dark room I’m picturing may or may not be the storage room at an Old Country Buffet…

  21. DaveValleDrinkNight on December 24th, 2008 8:24 pm

    Hey msb, I’m pretty sure the Copper Gate in Ballard has Aquavit.

    Maybe you could take Silva with you, fish and fermented shark are low-carb.

  22. msb on December 24th, 2008 8:51 pm

    bet they have it at the Leif Erikson Lodge, too.

    I’d pay money to see Silva eat lutefisk.

  23. Benne on December 24th, 2008 9:29 pm

    Yeah, Jim Caple wrote a great article (and is one of the few ESPN writers that actually pays attention to Seattle sports), but good Lord do the comments over there kill brain cells.

    (Merry Christmas to my fellow USSMers.)

  24. Breadbaker on December 24th, 2008 10:30 pm

    I never read ESPN columns, but I thank you for pointing out the Caple article. It was a cathartic experience to read, perfect for the season.

  25. msb on December 25th, 2008 1:11 am

    of course! we gotta ask Corcoran. He’d know where to get a snow plow or two.

  26. cdowley on December 25th, 2008 6:12 am

    Merry christmas, guys. Safe driving to all of you.

    Oh, and nobody has the right to whine about not having a white christmas around here for at least ten years after this last week…

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