Teams, where do you think you’re going to find a durable veteran left-hander with playoff experience for your stretch drive? Do you think a pink pegasus is going to swoop down next to the mound before your next game and one’s going to step off, already wearing your uniform?
Snap out of it! You want an ace? How about a 2.64 ERA? Two! Six! Four! 5.35 K/9? 2.23 BB/9? Sure, he’s a flyballer, but but he’s only giving up home runs on what, 6% of them? You won’t even get that from your expensive groundballers. You’ll only get that from Jarrod Washburn, available today!
You might say “that sounds too good to be true”. Listen, you! After years of grinding out starts with good-but-not-great stuff, Washburn’s finally found a weapon to match his veteran savvy and menacing grimace: a new two-seam fastball, newly mastered, that makes opposing hitters next to helpless. Have you seen it? Go call your scouting guys, roll some video.
Yeah, nice, huh? Washburn’s been throwing that all year. Roll more tape if you want proof, but don’t take too long — your competition won’t. Why, if he’d figured that pitch out early in his career he might have more hardware than hunting rifles racked up at his house. But then his price would be that much higher as an established name.
Speaking of price. You might be worried what Washburn will cost. Your whole farm system? Two, three major-league starters? Not at all. The Mariners, racked by lowered attendance and freshly dropped from the race, need to build for tomorrow, and they are ready to deal. They’re not asking for some Halladay-like haul, not some Lee-style looting. No! Call now and the Mariners will hand-select a couple guys off the farm system, names most of your fan base won’t even recognize. You know what they do recognize though? Pennants. You want pennants, you want this pitcher.
And if you act now, as a bonus, we’re willing to shore up your bullpen as well. You need right-handed help that can also write a gripping crime novel or poetry! We’ll include one at no extra charge! Or you might prefer a fire-throwing youngster — the Mariners can give you one as well.
And if you call by the trade deadline tomorrow, you’ll get the Mariner Moose! That’s right, the beloved, now parasite-free mascot that makes kids scream in glee and can be used to injure opposing players without consequence can be yours when you call the Seattle Mariners now! Don’t delay!