Act now!

DMZ · July 30, 2009 at 11:35 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Teams, where do you think you’re going to find a durable veteran left-hander with playoff experience for your stretch drive? Do you think a pink pegasus is going to swoop down next to the mound before your next game and one’s going to step off, already wearing your uniform?

Snap out of it! You want an ace? How about a 2.64 ERA? Two! Six! Four! 5.35 K/9? 2.23 BB/9? Sure, he’s a flyballer, but but he’s only giving up home runs on what, 6% of them? You won’t even get that from your expensive groundballers. You’ll only get that from Jarrod Washburn, available today!

You might say “that sounds too good to be true”. Listen, you! After years of grinding out starts with good-but-not-great stuff, Washburn’s finally found a weapon to match his veteran savvy and menacing grimace: a new two-seam fastball, newly mastered, that makes opposing hitters next to helpless. Have you seen it? Go call your scouting guys, roll some video.

Yeah, nice, huh? Washburn’s been throwing that all year. Roll more tape if you want proof, but don’t take too long — your competition won’t. Why, if he’d figured that pitch out early in his career he might have more hardware than hunting rifles racked up at his house. But then his price would be that much higher as an established name.

Speaking of price. You might be worried what Washburn will cost. Your whole farm system? Two, three major-league starters? Not at all. The Mariners, racked by lowered attendance and freshly dropped from the race, need to build for tomorrow, and they are ready to deal. They’re not asking for some Halladay-like haul, not some Lee-style looting. No! Call now and the Mariners will hand-select a couple guys off the farm system, names most of your fan base won’t even recognize. You know what they do recognize though? Pennants. You want pennants, you want this pitcher.

And if you act now, as a bonus, we’re willing to shore up your bullpen as well. You need right-handed help that can also write a gripping crime novel or poetry! We’ll include one at no extra charge! Or you might prefer a fire-throwing youngster — the Mariners can give you one as well.

And if you call by the trade deadline tomorrow, you’ll get the Mariner Moose! That’s right, the beloved, now parasite-free mascot that makes kids scream in glee and can be used to injure opposing players without consequence can be yours when you call the Seattle Mariners now! Don’t delay!

Comments

46 Responses to “Act now!”

  1. seatownsports on July 30th, 2009 11:40 pm

    I can’t believe you brought the moose into this. He’s only an innocent brown fuzzy mascot. WHY!

  2. Chris C. on July 30th, 2009 11:42 pm

    I need to know what kind of no interest options you offer, and if you offer a Jarrod Washburn rewards program or an extended warrantee.

  3. Robby on July 30th, 2009 11:43 pm

    (I tear up)
    Beautiful. I wish that Billy Mays was alive to help you pitch this idea. He could sell anything.

    Of course reading this it all would’ve been in caps.

  4. greymstreet on July 30th, 2009 11:49 pm

    I want!

  5. Mr. Egaas on July 30th, 2009 11:50 pm

    Dude throws a pitch called the Dolphin! An effing Dolphin!

  6. Snake Hippo on July 30th, 2009 11:52 pm

    NOT THE MOOSE!!!

  7. Marinersfan18 on July 30th, 2009 11:56 pm

    Last year the moose was our MVP! Why would you get rid of him!?

  8. jephdood on July 30th, 2009 11:57 pm

    If a deal means I have to endure any more starts by Garrett Olson, I don’t want Washburn going anywhere.

  9. G-Man on July 31st, 2009 12:09 am

    Are you participating in the Cash For Clunkers program? You are? Great!

    No, no, you don’t understand – I don”t want to buy Carlos Silva!!

  10. scott19 on July 31st, 2009 12:10 am

    I wish that Billy Mays was alive to help you pitch this idea. He could sell anything.

    Hi…Billy Mays here…for the Left-Handed Pitching Ace (TM)…your team’s instant solution for getting to the post-season…guaranteed!

    As kitschy as some of those products seemed at times, I do miss old Billy. He was one of a kind.

  11. Mike Snow on July 31st, 2009 12:14 am

    Do you think a pink pegasus is going to swoop down next to the mound before your next game and one’s going to step off, already wearing your uniform?

    Of course not, ponies only come with gritty utility players.

  12. Snarf15 on July 31st, 2009 12:17 am

    Maybe we could trade Washburn for someone to pay Silva’s contract haha.

  13. Big Bob on July 31st, 2009 12:18 am

    Act now and we will throw in a catcher with a magical red mitt that allows him to throw out half the runners that attempt to steal on him!

  14. trtlrock on July 31st, 2009 12:21 am

    Nice.

  15. RollingWave on July 31st, 2009 12:31 am

    Hello: This is Brian Cashman, what would it take to get this Jarrod Washburn guy.

    Seriously though, it seems like the Yankees are the best match for a Washburn trade. They said they won’t do Hughes / Chamberlain / Montero / Jackson but would consider the rest.

    Obviously, the rest is pretty iffy at this point. the best is probably AA starter Zach Mcallister who has really nice control and the general body and stuff context seems like he’ll be…. um… Jarrod Washburn (with less flyball, maybe)

    After that, they have some high ceilling guys with serious questionmarks or are still reallllly far away. I guess some of Dellin Betances (a monster size fireballer, but have been battling injuries) Arody Vizcaiano (their best latin pitcher right now. but still just in short season), Manny Banuelos (good numbers and stuff in A ball, but small size) or I guess there’s still Andrew Brackman (even more monster sized than Betances, but battling some serious post TJ problems and is already like 24 dispite just starting in A ball)

    They really don’t have much in terms of positional player past Jackson and Montero. Cervelli’s a nice backup C and is pretty much ready . Romine is also a nice catching prospects but has a long way to go. then theres a bunch of utility / bench player types like Juan Miranda (decent little slugger but can only play first).

    I guess at the end of the day, it’s Jarrod Washburn, gambling on some high risk tickets for him isn’t a particularly bad idea. hell if the Ms take Kei Igawa (who might be servicable with that kind of OF and safeco) they might get a few more guys.

  16. joser on July 31st, 2009 12:43 am

    Your offer intrigues me. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    And yes, I would be happy to take this Washburn off your hands. But at the moment, all of my funds are tied up in a bank in Lagos. I can however make a direct transfer to your account. Please supply the account number and other relevant information and the price of Washburn shall be transmitted immediately.

    I can’t believe you brought the moose into this. He’s only an innocent brown fuzzy mascot. WHY!

    DMZ has issues with the Moose. There’s some, uh, history there that leaves him a bitter, bitter man at least as far as not-so-innocent fuzzy mascots are concerned.

  17. scott19 on July 31st, 2009 12:53 am

    But wait…there’s more! Call now, and we’ll even throw in the amazing Chef Carlos Silva…absolutely FREE!!! :)

  18. TomTuttle on July 31st, 2009 1:39 am

    DMZ has issues with the Moose. There’s some, uh, history there that leaves him a bitter, bitter man at least as far as not-so-innocent fuzzy mascots are concerned.

    Don’t mess with the Moose, he came over to my house in 1991 and I even got to see it with its head off. :)

    The Moose can stay as long as he stays off the ATV.

    As far as Washburn is concerned, it’s either now or August 31st.

    I’d have to believe there is a little bit of posturing going on here and Z will try and fleece somebody now.

    HE’S not going to be one desperate to trade him, the teams who didn’t win the sweepstakes for Doc or Cliff Lee (the man behind Door #2) will be desperate to trade for him.

    Maybe. . .

    Or we see what happens before August 31st.

  19. scott19 on July 31st, 2009 2:03 am

    the man behind Door #2

    Hmmm…wonder if we could get Rick Rizzs to play Monty Hall?

  20. mln on July 31st, 2009 3:34 am

    You forget the most important selling point for Jarrod Washburn: His Angry Beaver Face!

  21. Wolfman on July 31st, 2009 4:03 am

    If a deal means I have to endure any more starts by Garrett Olson, I don’t want Washburn going anywhere.

    Amen. We could do a LOT worse than keeping Washburn.

  22. rsrobinson on July 31st, 2009 5:00 am

    That’s an amusing post but, lets face it, the organizations that are good enough to be buyers right now are probably also smart enough to know what they are and aren’t getting in Washburn. Since the general consensus here is that Washburn’s improvement this year is mostly due to luck and an improved outfield defense I’m not sure why those teams wouldn’t think the same thing.

    The hope that Jack Z will fleece some team is probably wishful thinking and even if a trade is made I suspect there will be some disappointment here over what we actually get for Washburn.

  23. RollingWave on July 31st, 2009 7:17 am

    There’s a middle ground though rsr, that teams realize Washburn’s limit still needs a starter, and would at least trade a modestly useful package that would be signficantly more than what a pick or two might get in the late first round.

  24. Carson on July 31st, 2009 7:18 am

    Derek, my man. Coffee after 10pm is always a bad idea. Always.

  25. Nuss on July 31st, 2009 7:20 am

    Any deal involving Jarrod Washburn will be an A.

    Any deal involving that stupid Moose will be an A+++++.

  26. henryv on July 31st, 2009 7:45 am

    Maybe we could get the Shamwow guy to sell Jarrod.

  27. msb on July 31st, 2009 7:54 am

    Five Pitches!!!

    He throws Five Pitches!!!

    For Strikes!!!!

    He’s Reinvented!!!

  28. JMHawkins on July 31st, 2009 8:02 am

    I can’t believe you brought the moose into this. He’s only an innocent brown fuzzy mascot. WHY!

    Considering the Coco Crisp incident, I’d say “unindicted” rather than “innocent” would be the appropriate description.

  29. cheeseheadtransplantmax on July 31st, 2009 8:03 am

    Five Pitches!!!

    He throws Five Pitches!!!

    For Strikes!!!!

    Ryan Franklin?

  30. DMZ on July 31st, 2009 8:14 am

    I try and help out..

    I’d really hoped people would pitch in rather than snipe at our ace and the possibility of a deal. If nothing happens today I’m blaming you lot.

  31. mlathrop3 on July 31st, 2009 8:17 am

    One day about 5 years back when I used to work at the Spokane Airport searching luggage in the basement, I came upon a weirdly shaped large bag. I opened it up and guess what was inside? The Mariner Moose costume. Of course, it was just me and another guy down there so I had to put the head on and run around. (We didn’t have money yet for cameras in Spokane) I thought that I would be overcome with some kind of super baseball knowledge powers, like the kind that would show you the future of Heathcliff Slocumb, but it did not. It just stunk. Bad.

    Now Jason Bay’s bag was a different story. That guy swings a heavy bat!

  32. msb on July 31st, 2009 8:26 am

    shiiiiiiney …. glittering …. must have …

  33. Patton on July 31st, 2009 8:32 am

    Brock and Salk posted Washburn has been traded on their Facebook:

    Brock And-Salk: Washburn traded. Official. Details soon.

  34. galaxieboi on July 31st, 2009 8:35 am

    Excellent. The M’s asked for Jesus Montero from the Yankees for Jarrod. That should be the starting point for an Ace.

  35. Nate on July 31st, 2009 8:36 am

    … They’re not asking for some Halladay-like haul, not some Lee-style looting. No! …

    I love it!
    good stuff.

    and from my heart, I cheer: “GO WASHBURN!! Make us Proud!”

  36. galaxieboi on July 31st, 2009 8:38 am

    Tigers? Interesting. Better be for Porcello. =D

  37. Nate on July 31st, 2009 8:39 am

    patton, it’s on their official website now as well.

    Here

    says to the Tigers. they better not be blowin’ smoke.

  38. Sports on a Schtick on July 31st, 2009 8:40 am

    Detroit is doing this to feed the moose to the tiger =(

  39. dw on July 31st, 2009 8:41 am

    The Ghost Of Billy Mays comes through!

    Now, if he can just get out of Detroit.

  40. shemberry on July 31st, 2009 8:42 am

    Luke French and a prospect

  41. charliebrown on July 31st, 2009 8:43 am

    Washburn is a great chemistry guy too. You can’t underestimate locker room chemistry when evaluating players.

  42. Wells on July 31st, 2009 8:44 am

    To Detroit for Luke French & Mauricio Robles, sez the Twittersphere.

  43. Tek Jansen on July 31st, 2009 8:44 am

    MLB Homeplate said it was for Luke French.

  44. ManifestDestiny on July 31st, 2009 8:44 am

    Luke French and Mauricio Robles coming back

    any early early EARLY takes?

  45. Sports on a Schtick on July 31st, 2009 8:44 am

    First word says LHP Luke French and LHP Mauricio Robles.

  46. gwangung on July 31st, 2009 8:44 am

    Site going down in three…two…