Mariners Decide They Could Go for a Frosty Margarita, Recall Tom Wilhelmsen
The Mariners recalled RHP Tom Wilhelmsen from AA Jackson today, ostensibly to provide bullpen depth. Sources near the team suggest, however, that with the belated arrival of warm summer weather, the team wanted someone with experience creating fruity cocktails.
One reliever noted that Chris Ray had gotten “pretty annoying” by foisting dry-hopped XIPAs on his teammates, whose tastes tended towards lagers and mixed drinks. Eventually, the aspiring brewer went down with an injury and is now on the 15 day disabled list. Another pitcher confessed he was excited for the change. “Look, it’s finally warm out, I want to go out with my girlfriend and have something fun. I like Chris, but he was always rambling on about ‘simcoe’ and ‘amarillo’ and I was thinking he was talking about the Texas League or something, but no, he’s just explaining – again – why the beer I’m drinking is stupid.” A starting pitcher was describing one of Wilhelmsen’s strawberry margaritas in vivid, rapturous terms to a newly-acquired player when I asked them about Ray’s IPA. “I’m really glad he’s the Doogie Howser of making beer more bitter, but everyone here’s looking forward to this move. Everyone.” I pointed out that the Howser analogy is conceptual nonsense, but the pitcher just resumed his discussion of the airy, almost ethereal quality of Wilhemsen’s blended drinks.
A noticeably looser, more jovial Jack Zduriencik told reporters that “Wilhelmsen has earned this.” When questioned how (Wilhelmsen’s FIP and ERA are in the mid 5′s, and his tRA is over 6), Zduriencik changed tack: “You know what? WE’VE earned this. We’ve been working hard, we’ve got nothing to show for it, it’s gorgeous out, we’ve got new guys that we need to integrate into this organization, we’re going to be welcoming.” Asked if that meant that Wilhelmsen is being brought up to bartend, Zduriencik asked, “Every player brings a certain set of non-baseball talents. We don’t typically care about that, as we’re here to win ball games. But are you asking me if I’m specifically going to ignore what Tommy brings to the table? No, I’m not going to do that. It’s not my job to ignore things.” What about the plan to stretch Wilhelmsen out as a starter? “It’s not my job to ignore things.”
(The above is satire. Wilhelmsen was recalled, and I really do hope he makes his teammates some frosty margaritas, if that’s what they want. I also hope Chris Ray uses his down time to make another great brew with Fremont Brewing. Please drink responsibly.)