Mariners Decide They Could Go for a Frosty Margarita, Recall Tom Wilhelmsen

marc w · August 2, 2011 at 3:36 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

The Mariners recalled RHP Tom Wilhelmsen from AA Jackson today, ostensibly to provide bullpen depth. Sources near the team suggest, however, that with the belated arrival of warm summer weather, the team wanted someone with experience creating fruity cocktails.

One reliever noted that Chris Ray had gotten “pretty annoying” by foisting dry-hopped XIPAs on his teammates, whose tastes tended towards lagers and mixed drinks. Eventually, the aspiring brewer went down with an injury and is now on the 15 day disabled list. Another pitcher confessed he was excited for the change. “Look, it’s finally warm out, I want to go out with my girlfriend and have something fun. I like Chris, but he was always rambling on about ‘simcoe’ and ‘amarillo’ and I was thinking he was talking about the Texas League or something, but no, he’s just explaining – again – why the beer I’m drinking is stupid.” A starting pitcher was describing one of Wilhelmsen’s strawberry margaritas in vivid, rapturous terms to a newly-acquired player when I asked them about Ray’s IPA. “I’m really glad he’s the Doogie Howser of making beer more bitter, but everyone here’s looking forward to this move. Everyone.” I pointed out that the Howser analogy is conceptual nonsense, but the pitcher just resumed his discussion of the airy, almost ethereal quality of Wilhemsen’s blended drinks.

A noticeably looser, more jovial Jack Zduriencik told reporters that “Wilhelmsen has earned this.” When questioned how (Wilhelmsen’s FIP and ERA are in the mid 5’s, and his tRA is over 6), Zduriencik changed tack: “You know what? WE’VE earned this. We’ve been working hard, we’ve got nothing to show for it, it’s gorgeous out, we’ve got new guys that we need to integrate into this organization, we’re going to be welcoming.” Asked if that meant that Wilhelmsen is being brought up to bartend, Zduriencik asked, “Every player brings a certain set of non-baseball talents. We don’t typically care about that, as we’re here to win ball games. But are you asking me if I’m specifically going to ignore what Tommy brings to the table? No, I’m not going to do that. It’s not my job to ignore things.” What about the plan to stretch Wilhelmsen out as a starter? “It’s not my job to ignore things.”

(The above is satire. Wilhelmsen was recalled, and I really do hope he makes his teammates some frosty margaritas, if that’s what they want. I also hope Chris Ray uses his down time to make another great brew with Fremont Brewing. Please drink responsibly.)


15 Responses to “Mariners Decide They Could Go for a Frosty Margarita, Recall Tom Wilhelmsen”

  1. Evan on August 2nd, 2011 3:40 pm

    That was excellent. That was Jeff Sullivan quality.

  2. Westside guy on August 2nd, 2011 3:42 pm

    That was excellent. That was Jeff Sullivan quality.

    Yeah, I was about to comment that Sullivan might’ve hacked Marc’s WordPress account!

    Well done Marc!

  3. Red Apple on August 2nd, 2011 3:46 pm

    If there was a Rec button, I’d rec this. Quality on par with The Onion!

  4. marc w on August 2nd, 2011 3:58 pm

    Hey, thanks! I don’t know why there’s no spacing in it, however. That’s one dense block of text.
    I put spaces in it! Honest!

  5. thehemogoblin on August 2nd, 2011 4:05 pm

    With nothing to lose, M’s hit* the booze

    *It’s seemingly the first thing they’ve hit all year.

  6. The_Waco_Kid on August 2nd, 2011 4:06 pm

    Hahaha, awesome. Also, now I want an IPA and a margarita really badly.

  7. marc w on August 2nd, 2011 4:28 pm

    Has anyone tried Chris Ray’s IPA? Anyone got a review for me?

  8. spankystout on August 2nd, 2011 5:14 pm

    Ugh..I’m gone for a bit and the entire Mariner world has changed; Bedard, Fister and Pauley are no more. Wilhelmsen is back–and worst of all Dave is ill 🙁 I would love a few Chris Ray IPAs right about now.

    Get well soon Dave.

  9. stredarts on August 2nd, 2011 5:34 pm

    Yeah Marc, you can get it at The Pacific Inn over by the Brewery (Stone and 35th). Heck, Fremont Brewing has a beer garden open most days where you can get a growler of it.

    Anyways it’s pretty good. Light body with hops more in the citris range of bitterness. I couldn’t taste the maple, but it had good sweetness. It’s pretty much in line with Fremont’s other IPAs. Still like the Summer Solstice better.

  10. nathaniel dawson on August 2nd, 2011 8:11 pm

    Marc, that was wonderful!

    Gotta have a sense of humor if you’re a Mariner fan.

  11. dallin on August 2nd, 2011 11:26 pm

    Gotta have a sense of humor…

    That sounds like one of those slogans that could go at the end of the Mariners commercials. To the same tune as, “You gotta love these guys.” Or whatever it used to be.

  12. vj on August 3rd, 2011 9:51 am

    That sounds like one of those slogans that could go at the end of the Mariners commercials. To the same tune as, “You gotta love these guys.” Or whatever it used to be.

    “You gotta laugh at these guys.”

    Great blogpost, but it would’ve been even better without the disclaimer at the end.

  13. marc w on August 3rd, 2011 11:41 am

    THANK YOU vj. I totally agree, but after watching MLB ask Jeff Sullivan to put a disclaimer on his even-more-obviously-satirical “Jeff Gray’s Diaries” piece, I thought it best to put it up just in case.

  14. lucky on August 3rd, 2011 12:49 pm

    This is awesome, cheers to you marc w!

  15. 68GTCS on August 4th, 2011 12:06 am

    Much excellentness, Marc. Thanks for the laugh. Now off to find some icy tequila goodness of my own.

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