Signing Godot, Part 1

Mike Snow · October 13, 2011 at 8:10 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Spring training.

Ichiro is sitting on the pitcher’s mound, going through his stretching routine. He bends over to grab the toe of his shoe.

It stays on.
Felix walks onto the field.

Ichiro: It’s hard to imagine.

Felix: (walking up the slope of the mound) Hard to imagine indeed. I keep trying to carry this team, telling myself to be the good guy, and it never works out, they still stink. (Pouts. To Ichiro.) What are you doing here?

Ichiro: Where?

Felix: I’m glad you’re still here, I was worried they might trade you to Cleveland like everyone else.

Ichiro: Not Cleveland!

Felix: We’re going to have a great year together. Get up so I can tickle you.

Ichiro: Only George gets to tickle me.

Felix: Well he’s not here anymore.

Ichiro: So who have they brought in this year?

Felix: The same old scrubs.

Ichiro: The same ones? Or different ones?

Felix: What does it matter?

Ichiro: Well if they were young scrubs, they would have a more positive attitude. Maybe even some potential.

Felix: What’s the good of playing the kids, I say.

Ichiro stretches again, this time pulling his shoe completely off. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out a small wooden stick and begins rubbing it along the bottom of his foot. After a minute, he stands up and walks awkwardly, one shoe off and the other on, off the pitcher’s mound. He reaches the grass, stops, and holds the stick up against his brow, looking over toward the dugout.

Ichiro: I’m going back to Japan.

Felix: You can’t.

Ichiro: Why not?

Felix: They’re going to sign Godot.

Ichiro: They should.

Felix: I don’t know if he’ll take their offer.

Ichiro: What if he doesn’t?

Felix: He only signs one-year contracts.

Ichiro: So was it this year he was going to sign?

Felix: I think so.

Ichiro: How do you know?

Felix: He said so.

Ichiro: So where is he?

Felix: He didn’t say he would for sure.

Ichiro: What do you mean?

Felix: It was off the record.

Ichiro: You’re sure it was this year?

Felix: He might have said it last year.

Ichiro: Did he sign last year?

Felix: I don’t know.

Ichiro: If he doesn’t sign this year, my contract will run out and I’ll go back to Japan.

Felix: I’ll probably get traded to the Red Sox.

Ichiro: We should have left in free agency instead of signing our contract extensions.

Felix: Maybe, who knows?

Ichiro: Godot.

Felix: That’s probably why he hasn’t signed yet.

Ichiro: We’ve given up our rights.

Felix: Wait, do you hear that?

Ichiro: I don’t hear anything.

Felix: Quiet.

Ichiro: I am, that’s the problem.

Felix: I thought I heard microphones for the start of a press conference.

Ichiro: For what?

Felix: Godot.

Ichiro: Probably just that woodpecker in the tree over there.

Felix: What tree?

Ichiro: The dead one.

Felix: That’s not a tree, it’s a cactus. We’re in Arizona.

Ichiro: What?

Felix: Nothing.

End of Part 1.

Credit to eponymous coward in the comments for stimulating the idea. Credit, obviously, to Samuel Beckett for the original masterpiece.


9 Responses to “Signing Godot, Part 1”

  1. Steve Nelson on October 13th, 2011 8:21 pm


  2. Valenica on October 13th, 2011 8:33 pm

    If he can hit dingers I’m all for it. We need a power MOTO bat.

  3. eponymous coward on October 13th, 2011 9:05 pm

    I am dying laughing. Thank you.

  4. vj on October 14th, 2011 12:35 am

    Brilliant. This is the kind of stuff I have been missing here since DMZ retired.

  5. samregens on October 14th, 2011 5:34 am

    Great stuff!! Thank you.

  6. Evan on October 14th, 2011 9:25 am

    Sitting through a performance of Waiting for Godot was one of the least pleasant experiences of my life.

    I think I’ll hang myself.

    You don’t have any rope.


  7. MKT on October 14th, 2011 10:32 am

    Excellent! And indeed reminiscent of some of DMZ’s contributions. I’m trying to think, though, of who would be Pozzo and Lucky — maybe that’ll be in Act II?

    And if Guerrero and Loaiza had been Mariners, the two main characters could’ve been “Vladimir” and “Esteban”.

  8. Mike Snow on October 14th, 2011 10:49 am

    I’ll admit, I didn’t get to Pozzo and Lucky because I wasn’t sure who to have play them. Some more fun involving the names is that Vladimir and Estragon call each other “Didi” and “Gogo”, which matches up nicely with Felix’s teammates having been known to call him “Fifi”. I didn’t work that into this version, though, because I felt “Ichi” was close but not quite right, and I thought it would just confuse people if Felix started calling him “Roro”.

  9. PackBob on October 14th, 2011 3:25 pm

    You could make the argument that we, the fans, are the ones waiting for Godot, who is always almost here in the form of a trade or a prospect developing.

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