An Interview With The Hamate Bone

Jeff Sullivan · July 26, 2013 at 4:47 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Interviewer: Hello, please sit down.
Hamate bone: sup douche
Interviewer: Thank you for taking a few minutes.
Hamate bone: thank you for not being even more of a douche
Interviewer: So, first things first.
Interviewer: What is it, exactly, that you…
Interviewer: …do?
Hamate bone: break
Interviewer: Pardon?
Hamate bone: break
Hamate bone: we break
Interviewer: Is there anything else? Any function?
Hamate bone: naw
Hamate bone: breakin
Interviewer: Why?
Interviewer: I mean, what’s the point?
Hamate bone: one of us breaks, hitter don’t hit
Interviewer: Right, exactly. Players get hurt.
Hamate bone: hurt players aren’t players
Interviewer: So you break on purpose? To injure hitters?
Hamate bone: thank you for joining us
Interviewer: Why on earth…?
Hamate bone: hate baseball
Interviewer: Hate baseball?
Hamate bone: we hate baseball
Interviewer: And this is how you make your statement?
Hamate bone: not enough people playing jacks
Hamate bone:
But in surgery, you just get removed.
Hamate bone: yes
Interviewer: And there are only two of you, per player.
Hamate bone: yes
Interviewer: You break, and then you’re usually just gone.
Interviewer: Forever.
Hamate bone: yes
Interviewer: And somehow this is worth it?
Hamate bone: martyrdom dude
Interviewer: What’s your cause?
Hamate bone: kill baseball
Interviewer: You understand that is literally impossible for you to accomplish.
Hamate bone: jacks!!
Interviewer: All you are is an annoyance.
Hamate bone: we’re all dedicated
Interviewer: You get removed. You disappear.
Hamate bone: you can take us out, but you can’t break out spirit
Interviewer: You know, you guys really suck.
Hamate bone: mission accomplished
Interviewer: Mission not accomplished! There’s still baseball!
Interviewer: There’s always still baseball! You’re powerless!
Hamate bone: you have a favorite hitter?
Interviewer: Yes, of course.
Hamate bone: he still got hamate bones?
Interviewer: As far as I know.
Hamate bone: huh
Door: /knock
Door: /opens
Ulnar collateral ligament: sup douche
Hamate bone: wrong room
Ulnar collateral ligament: oh sorry


15 Responses to “An Interview With The Hamate Bone”

  1. Ron on July 26th, 2013 4:58 pm

    Thank you. Needed a good laugh after hearing about this minor setback for Zunino.

  2. stevemotivateir on July 26th, 2013 5:28 pm

    Somehow, I can picture many former Mariners greeting Z and Bavasi the same way.

  3. MrZDevotee on July 26th, 2013 6:45 pm

    Why do I picture the hamate bone as a smaller/younger version of Brendan Ryan?

  4. Teddy44 on July 26th, 2013 6:45 pm

    This reads like an old Space Ghost Coast to Coast script. The bun is in Jeff’s mind.

  5. Longgeorge1 on July 26th, 2013 6:56 pm

    Didn’t JR break his hamate and missed quite a bit of time?

  6. juneau_fan on July 26th, 2013 6:58 pm

    I thought this was odd Beckett-like riff on Jay Buhner until I read the game thread. Because he is a bone and a douche.

  7. ripperlv on July 26th, 2013 11:36 pm

    If the Mariners can not crush Diamond, they are not a playoff caliber team, nor will they be. Sell, sell, sell. They still suck.

  8. dnc on July 27th, 2013 2:02 pm

    I never knew the hamate bone existed until Junior busted his in 95 and introduced us to the Alex Diaz experiment.

  9. unkrusty on July 27th, 2013 6:29 pm

    How is “to sell or not” even a debate? The only pisser is Raul and probably, in a start or two, Saunders will have no value left (if they ever had it).

    Grilli is out for a while. Offer the Bartender to the Bucs for…Alex Presley? Josh Bell?

  10. Westside guy on July 27th, 2013 8:04 pm

    Raul is hitting something like .110 since the all star break. Given his age and his historically streaky nature as a hitter, he’s probably lost any trade value he might’ve had.

    They might as well stand pat.

    But on topic… Does anyone know what the downsides are to having the Hamate Bone removed?

  11. Jim on July 28th, 2013 5:55 am

    Without doing any serious research, a quick review of what some journalists have said, likely also without doing any serious research, it appears that players can recover quickly but it takes some time to recover their power. Also, a sizable sample of players (Pablo Sandoval) will break their other hamate bone one year, to the day, of the surgery removing the first.

  12. Breadbaker on July 28th, 2013 10:23 am

    Raul is playing every day in left field and batting third. So of course he’s batting .110 since the ASB. But of course the Wedge lineup is set in stone until he comes back, right?

  13. Bender on July 28th, 2013 10:53 am

    Man, I broke my hamate several years ago and all I got was a lousy cast.

    As I understand it removal of the hamate can be associated with decreased grip strength, but that’s about the only drawback I could find.

  14. seattlesonsofbaseball on July 28th, 2013 12:02 pm

    Jesus, Jeff… I can’t stop laughing. That is hilarious in a rather unhilarious injury.

  15. smb on July 29th, 2013 10:22 am

    I recall Griffey breaking his hamate bone once and it not being a super quick recovery, although a minor setback overall. Hopefully just a tiny footnote for Zunino’s young career, nothing more.

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