Justin Smoak is arbitration-eligible. On Friday, the Mariners and Smoak exchanged salary figures, with the team offering $2.025 million, and with Smoak requesting $3.25 million. The likelihood is that this won’t get all the way to arbitration, and that the Mariners and Smoak will settle somewhere in the middle. The Mariners have pretty much always settled. But what follows is an example of what an arbitration hearing between a team and a player is actually like.
Arbitrator: I’ve got $2.025 million from the team.
Arbitrator: And I see $3.25 million from the player.
Arbitrator: Gentlemen, you are free to proceed.
Team side: Last year, the player ranked 18th among first basemen in home runs.
Team side: He ranked 62nd overall. He finished below J.P. Arencibia.
Player side: SMOAKYYYYYYYY
Team side: Among first basemen he was 30th in RBI. There are 30 teams.
Player side: SMOAK BOMB
Team side: He was 151st among all players in runs scored.
Team side: He did not steal a base.
Player side: WHERE THERE’S SMOAK THERE’S
Player side: FIYAHHHHH
Team side: 123 qualified players finished with a higher batting average, out of 140.
Team side: All but three players finished with a higher average against lefties.
Player side: DON’T!
Player side: QUIT!
Player side: SMOAKING!
Team side: Over three years, 146 qualified players have more hits.
Arbitrator: I find for the player. $3.25 million.
Player side: SMOAK SMOAK SMOAKAROO