Bad Nicknames For Brad Miller
While the Mariners refuse to admit that there’s a winner of their spring-training shortstop competition, the numbers don’t lie. Because they are numbers, and numbers are intangible things. People do use numbers when lying, a lot of the time. In that way numbers are very commonly deceptive! They are used by liars and truth-tellers, both. But the point is that numbers are good and Brad Miller’s numbers are good and Brad Miller’s performance has been good and Brad Miller’s projections are good. Brad Miller is a better shortstop than Nick Franklin, and soon the Mariners will announce that, or reveal to the world their own self-destructive silliness. Here’s a fun tweet from this afternoon from a man that you know:
Amazing how many argue Seattle SS Brad Miller is The best player no one knows
— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) March 21, 2014
Before 2012, Miller wasn’t a Baseball America top-ten Mariners prospect. Before 2013, he was ninth, between Stefen Romero and Victor Sanchez. (Franklin was fifth!) Now he projects to be a top-ten shortstop in the majors, a rare quality all-around position player in a Seattle uniform. If the Mariners are good this season, odds are Miller will be a big reason why. If the Mariners are good in any of the upcoming seasons, really, odds are Miller will be a big reason why. He’s a solid young player just ready for you to fall dangerously in love with him, and as such, here are some really terrible Brad Miller nicknames.
This is his regular name.
Literally a bad nickname.
(See first entry)
Too easy to confuse with Joe Beimel, who is in camp and could make the team as a lefty. Or as a righty, but probably not.
This doesn’t really highlight any part of Miller’s game, and as a standalone, this is the kind of word that makes you want to take a shower.
That’s neat, I also have ten fingers, evenly distributed.
I’d say Yuniesky Betancourt was more of a BM.
Jack of the Adirondacks
Brad Miller is Brad and he is from Florida.
The Jap, The Sap, The Map
This is less like a baseball nickname and more like the title of a racially insensitive buddy comedy about an ill-fated treasure hunt.
Table For Three
A nod to Brad Miller’s ability to swat and leg out a lot of triples. Also, is bad.
Then they might mess up and do something with the wrong one.
In isolation it’s actually okay, if a little lazy, but Will Clark was The Thrill, and we can’t go around stealing other people’s nicknames. Or at least not until they’re dead.
The Very Best Shortstop
Heart’s in the right place, words could use some tightening and substitution.
Running Down The Sunset
I’ve read this at least a dozen times and I can’t make heads or tails of it.
I hate/love trying to say this.
Improvement but still doesn’t really accomplish anything re: highlighting aspects of Miller’s performance and talent.
The One Where Rachel Quits
The tenth episode of the third season of Friends, which aired on December 12, 1996.
Captures that Miller is blossoming into something beautiful; inappropriate, emasculating for a baseball star.
Brad Miller does wear a hat.
While Brad Miller might enjoy rump roast, he would not enjoy being referred to as rump roast, probably.
Miller bats lefty but throws righty.
Miller throws righty but bats lefty.
Einstein of the Infield
This meets one of the standards of proper nickname criteria, out of many standards.
Desert Island Disc
If I were stranded on a desert island I would have strikingly little use for one twenty-fifth of a single baseball team.
Uses own legs, often.
And Now You Know
This is probably the very douchiest nickname that has yet to be the assigned nickname for an actual person on Earth.
I mean, maybe, but I don’t want to know that or think that.