Bad Nicknames For Brad Miller

Jeff Sullivan · March 21, 2014 at 6:58 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

While the Mariners refuse to admit that there’s a winner of their spring-training shortstop competition, the numbers don’t lie. Because they are numbers, and numbers are intangible things. People do use numbers when lying, a lot of the time. In that way numbers are very commonly deceptive! They are used by liars and truth-tellers, both. But the point is that numbers are good and Brad Miller’s numbers are good and Brad Miller’s performance has been good and Brad Miller’s projections are good. Brad Miller is a better shortstop than Nick Franklin, and soon the Mariners will announce that, or reveal to the world their own self-destructive silliness. Here’s a fun tweet from this afternoon from a man that you know:

Before 2012, Miller wasn’t a Baseball America top-ten Mariners prospect. Before 2013, he was ninth, between Stefen Romero and Victor Sanchez. (Franklin was fifth!) Now he projects to be a top-ten shortstop in the majors, a rare quality all-around position player in a Seattle uniform. If the Mariners are good this season, odds are Miller will be a big reason why. If the Mariners are good in any of the upcoming seasons, really, odds are Miller will be a big reason why. He’s a solid young player just ready for you to fall dangerously in love with him, and as such, here are some really terrible Brad Miller nicknames.

Brad Miller
This is his regular name.

Bad Miller
Literally a bad nickname.

(See first entry)

Too easy to confuse with Joe Beimel, who is in camp and could make the team as a lefty. Or as a righty, but probably not.

This doesn’t really highlight any part of Miller’s game, and as a standalone, this is the kind of word that makes you want to take a shower.

That’s neat, I also have ten fingers, evenly distributed.

I’d say Yuniesky Betancourt was more of a BM.

Jack of the Adirondacks
Brad Miller is Brad and he is from Florida.


The Jap, The Sap, The Map
This is less like a baseball nickname and more like the title of a racially insensitive buddy comedy about an ill-fated treasure hunt.

Table For Three
A nod to Brad Miller’s ability to swat and leg out a lot of triples. Also, is bad.

Nick Franklin
Then they might mess up and do something with the wrong one.

The Thriller
In isolation it’s actually okay, if a little lazy, but Will Clark was The Thrill, and we can’t go around stealing other people’s nicknames. Or at least not until they’re dead.

The Very Best Shortstop
Heart’s in the right place, words could use some tightening and substitution.

Running Down The Sunset
I’ve read this at least a dozen times and I can’t make heads or tails of it.

Mrad Biller
I hate/love trying to say this.

Mad Briller
Improvement but still doesn’t really accomplish anything re: highlighting aspects of Miller’s performance and talent.

The One Where Rachel Quits
The tenth episode of the third season of Friends, which aired on December 12, 1996.

Flower Pot
Captures that Miller is blossoming into something beautiful; inappropriate, emasculating for a baseball star.

Brad Miller does wear a hat.

Rump Roast
While Brad Miller might enjoy rump roast, he would not enjoy being referred to as rump roast, probably.

Miller bats lefty but throws righty.

Miller throws righty but bats lefty.

Einstein of the Infield
This meets one of the standards of proper nickname criteria, out of many standards.

Desert Island Disc
If I were stranded on a desert island I would have strikingly little use for one twenty-fifth of a single baseball team.

Uses own legs, often.

And Now You Know
This is probably the very douchiest nickname that has yet to be the assigned nickname for an actual person on Earth.

Magic Beans
I mean, maybe, but I don’t want to know that or think that.


30 Responses to “Bad Nicknames For Brad Miller”

  1. dogkahuna on March 21st, 2014 7:06 pm


  2. Longgeorge1 on March 21st, 2014 7:32 pm

    Sorry it’s Sergio Millar

  3. Longgeorge1 on March 21st, 2014 7:34 pm

    King, Erasmo and Paxton – Who else till Kuma and TW?

  4. phineasphreak on March 21st, 2014 7:43 pm

    “And Now You Know”

    This is probably the very douchiest nickname that has yet to be the assigned nickname for an actual person on Earth.”

    And if he were black: “If you don’t know, now you know n****”

    Also, I just heard Dave Sims reference WAR. It was weird. He pronounced it WAR, as in, World War 5. I always thought it was WAR, as in W-are.

    Am I completely wrong?

  5. LoydKristmis on March 21st, 2014 7:59 pm

    I vote for hat.

  6. Eastside Suds on March 21st, 2014 8:27 pm

    The Hoover

  7. MrZDevotee on March 21st, 2014 8:44 pm

    Sade… (pronounced: SHAW-day)

    (ie, the smooth operator… and he could use the song as his walk up music… “No need to talk ’cause he’s a smooth operator… smooth… operator…”)

  8. Section329 on March 21st, 2014 8:48 pm

    I like Crazy Legs.

  9. JasonJ on March 21st, 2014 9:12 pm

    Agreed. Don’t know if it was Dave Sims that gave him the Crazy Legs nickname but it’s pretty damn good even if it’s borrowed from the old-time football player.

    Watch him leg out a triple and it fits perfectly. Plus he looks like an old-time ballplayer with the no-gloves, high stirrups. He even had the old-timer body type until he put on all that muscle.

  10. sage920 on March 22nd, 2014 1:18 am

    Brad “Pyroclastic Mudflow” Miller has a nice ring to it.

  11. heyoka on March 22nd, 2014 7:16 am

    It’s Miller Time!

  12. drlo on March 22nd, 2014 7:28 am

    Well, you know that our idiot announcers will be saying “Miller time” with excessive regularity. But being a Mariner, doesn’t his nickname have to end with a “Y” or perhaps “IE”? If the past decade or more is any indication, sadly it will likely be “Milly” or “Millie”. Our organisation just doesn’t have any creativity.

  13. Typical Idiot Fan on March 22nd, 2014 7:28 am

    If I recall correctly, on the radio broadcast they mentioned what Lloyd McClendon calls him, which was something to do with chickens. Chicken neck? I don’t remember now, dammit.

    Nickname I came up with him last year was Bradweiser, which got a lot of recs on Lookout Landing that I had to scold people for because that nickname is awful.

  14. stevemotivateir on March 22nd, 2014 8:47 am

    @heyoka & drlo

    That, in my opinion, is the most obvious and most likely.

    Oh, and the most annoying! I can picture it across the jumbo screen at Safeco already. Remember “Tino Time”?!

    If he’s performing like Jeter in his prime, I can deal with the cheesy nicknames. But I’d be content with him simply being called by his actual name:

    Brad-ass Miller.

  15. ejmamariners on March 22nd, 2014 11:17 am

    Candidate for bad one: Beer Man

    (Ya know, since it’s Miller time).

    Or for the racially insensitive, just call him Whitey (since, ya know, he’s not Dominican).

    Great post Jeff, aka And now you know.

  16. Ike Clanton on March 22nd, 2014 11:44 am

    So long as we’re just recommending more terrible ones, how about Mad Brillo, because he clears the bases like a scouring pad.

  17. eddie on March 22nd, 2014 11:48 am

    I’d like to donate my nickname so that I can get rid of it: Swampdog.

  18. bookbook on March 22nd, 2014 11:56 am


    Or how about “Inspector Gadget”

  19. sevenfly on March 22nd, 2014 12:56 pm

    I thought Logo was his nickname? Due to his batting stance looking like the MLB logo

  20. Dave in Palo Alto on March 22nd, 2014 2:24 pm


  21. Johnny Slick on March 22nd, 2014 2:29 pm

    The Jabberwocky, due to ’twas “Briller” and the slythy toves…

  22. smb on March 22nd, 2014 3:31 pm

    That makes me think ‘Mad Briller.’

  23. msb on March 22nd, 2014 9:27 pm


  24. Karmasartre on March 22nd, 2014 9:47 pm

    Death to Grounded Things

  25. Kevin Pelton on March 22nd, 2014 9:51 pm

    What about “Not the former NBA player”? Factually accurate and helps avoid confusion.

  26. teacherrefpoet on March 22nd, 2014 11:36 pm

    My wife and I now believe all Mariners should be referred to as Friends episodes titles.

    Felix=”The One with the Ball.” Not always accurate, but often.

    Jesus Montero=”The One with the Twelve Lasagnas.”

  27. snackbar on March 23rd, 2014 6:52 am

    How about just The Mill – all he does is produce. Plus nice Northwest tie to lumber industry.

  28. Adam B. on March 23rd, 2014 11:42 am

    “Free Hat! Free Hat!”

  29. B.W.Marx on March 24th, 2014 6:50 pm

    A tip of the cap, a bend at the waist and knee…bravo, Jeff.

  30. moustache de caudill on March 28th, 2014 9:49 pm

    Whoa yeah I thought Crazy Legs was a done deal. But Jeff, highly enjoyable post as usual!

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