Justin Smoak vs. An Old Sofa

Jeff Sullivan · June 13, 2014 at 4:20 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

Recently I’ve been spending time sitting on my old sofa, and I’ve thought about how an old sofa is kind of like Justin Smoak. I know now isn’t the perfect time to pick on Smoak, since he can’t unknowingly defend himself, but on the other hand his being on the DL also means he can’t make me look stupid for at least another couple weeks. Always look out for number one. A compare/contrast follows.


How Justin Smoak is like an old sofa

(1) Justin Smoak isn’t perfect, or good, or desirable in almost any way, but he’s forever just shy of reaching the action threshold, at which you actually take steps to identify and obtain a replacement.

(2) We have a certain number of fond memories involving Justin Smoak.

(3) Justin Smoak was exciting when first acquired and installed.

(4) Justin Smoak fits in most elevators.

(5) Justin Smoak has been steadily, unmistakeably depreciating.

(6) Justin Smoak gets sat on, figuratively.

(7) Over time, Justin Smoak’s physical changes have been subtle.

(8) In a pinch, you can wipe your hands on Justin Smoak.

(9) Justin Smoak has a skeletal frame and a soft, thin outer later that protects and contains the more loose and vulnerable inner bits.

(10) Justin Smoak can catch a baseball thrown right at him.


How Justin Smoak is not like an old sofa

(1) Justin Smoak has two legs.*

* – some old sofas might have two legs

(2) Justin Smoak cannot be legally sold on the Internet.

(3) Some people continue to believe Justin Smoak will get better over time.

(4) An old sofa puts butts in seats.

(5) An old sofa gets sat on, literally.

(6) Justin Smoak doesn’t smell of farts and stale hard pretzels(?).

(7) Justin Smoak doesn’t/shouldn’t get vacuumed.

(8) Justin Smoak has a driver’s license.

(9) Justin Smoak is of at least occasional use on two different sides.

(10) Justin Smoak has a career WAR below 0.


13 Responses to “Justin Smoak vs. An Old Sofa”

  1. skjes on June 13th, 2014 4:33 pm

    They also both generally have two arms.

    If they should lose one of those arms, you would probably need to replace them.

  2. jak924 on June 13th, 2014 4:43 pm

    Smoak’s “quad” injury is probably faked. He should have been released, but Jack Z. cannot do what has to be done. With Ackley stuck at .230 and Smoak in some phony ‘limbo’, Jack Z’s failure is there for all to see.

  3. Westside guy on June 13th, 2014 4:51 pm

    (4) Justin Smoak fits in most elevators

    Is this based on some new FanGraphs metric with which I am unfamiliar?

    (6) Justin Smoak doesn’t smell of farts and stale hard pretzels(?)

    Okay, I’m going to have to demand to see the research on this one.

  4. shortbus on June 13th, 2014 5:06 pm

    I’m very ready for the Smoak era to end. The M’s gave up a couple of months of Cliff Lee for him so it’s not like we really deserved better than a replacement player. The package we gave up for Lee did no better. What was worse was the immense amount of time the team spent waiting for him to produce. All those at bats that should have gone to some other, better player. Hopefully 1B AB’s the rest of this season go to players who deserve a chance to prove they can succeed like Morrison, Hart, Choi or (in a perfect world) Peterson.

  5. msb on June 13th, 2014 5:15 pm

    Does Justin Smoak have carefully matched patches ironed on him, as my sofa does?

  6. GP20 on June 13th, 2014 5:58 pm

    Well but according to Dave Sim, Smoak does have gold glove defense.

  7. bookbook on June 13th, 2014 6:05 pm

    I expect this whole “fake injury” meme on other baseball sites that I visit. I don’t expect front office trutherism to that extent on ussmariner. (Now, if you told me Lloyd really does use a dartboard to pick his daily line-ups… that I’d believe.)

  8. HighlightsAt11 on June 13th, 2014 6:06 pm

    Smoak is like an old sofa… one hurts my back the other hurts my Mariner hopes and dreams.

    Montero hurts, rather, breaks the bench.

  9. _Hutch_ on June 13th, 2014 7:58 pm

    Picking on the man when he’s down and out and likely coming to terms with his future as a perennial non-roster invite is well and good but the real issue here is Dustin Ackley and his .655 ERA. It’s heartbreaking to say as a longtime apologist, but I’m about done.

  10. msfanmike on June 13th, 2014 8:00 pm

    ERA … Whoops

    OPS – I assume. And yeah, he’s a disappointment, too.

  11. _Hutch_ on June 13th, 2014 8:13 pm

    If he were a pitcher I bet that would be his ERA. Point remains.

  12. LongDistance on June 13th, 2014 10:51 pm

    Generally, you look for a new sofa not because your old sofa is uncomfortable or unserviceable, but because it starts to look like shit.

    If Smoak is/is not an old sofa, WFB is that awful planter’s chair your father-in-law bought you as a housewarming gift. It, too, is serviceable, if a little less so, but it takes up nearly as much room as a sofa.

  13. analogkid on June 14th, 2014 2:35 pm

    Are we certain that Smoak does indeed have a driver’s license?

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