How Not To React To The Mariners Getting Mike Kickham
Hello friends. You might’ve noticed that, earlier today, the Mariners swung a trade with the Cubs, picking up left-handed pitcher Mike Kickham. So now you’ve thought to visit the incredibly popular and consistently updated USS Mariner blog to see how you’re supposed to feel about this. Which is kind of one of the main purposes of blogs, right? To tell people how to feel about things? I appreciate your visit, and I’ll do you one better, or one worse, or one lateral — I’ll tell you how not to feel about this. Here is a variety of ways not to react to the Mariners trading for Mike Kickham today.
“Oh, great, that’ll really lock up the World Series title. Nice going, Mariners. Ugh.”
Why be sarcastic? Why be sarcastic and upset about something so trivial? Is this how you reacted to the Mariners dealing Matt Brazis for Justin Ruggiano? Is this how you reacted to the Mariners bringing back Mark Lowe on a minor-league contract, which is a thing that they recently did? For one thing, not every move is made with the World Series in mind. For another thing, in the event that a team does win the World Series, you can always point to contributing moves no one really expected to be contributing moves at the time. Remember when the Mariners had Yusmeiro Petit in the system? No one cared when he went to the Giants. Turned into a popular guy.
Of all the different potential responses, this is the negative one. If this is your default, you’re probably just a negative person, and no one ought to have time for negative, overly critical people. However often you’ve been told that you’re unpleasant, countless other people have kept the same feelings quiet. And, wait a second, didn’t the Mariners sign Nelson Cruz for many years and too much money? Aren’t you exactly the sort of fan that move was supposed to placate? Bathe in the warmth of the Nelson Cruz acquisition, you unhappy son of a bitch.
“I think this means the Mariners are looking to trade Taijuan Walker, probably soon. Can’t be a coincidence.”
Mike Kickham’s major-league ERA has two numbers before the decimal. His Triple-A ERA is in the mid-4s, and he doesn’t throw enough strikes, and his fastball hovers around 89 – 90, and the Cubs just recently designated Kickham for assignment to make roster room for Chris Denorfia, who last summer looked like toast. This has no more to do with Taijuan Walker than the Mariners acquiring Sam Gaviglio had to do with Taijuan Walker. This is like saying signing Mark Lowe means the Mariners are looking to trade Fernando Rodney. You almost literally can never have enough pitching depth.
“Time to turn around and flip Kickham for Mike Napoli. Red Sox need some more starters.”
Mike Napoli, the last two years, has posted an .818 OPS. Mike Kickham, the last two years, in the major leagues, has allowed a 1.062 OPS. Kickham is with his third organization in a month. The Red Sox wouldn’t trade Mike Napoli for Mike Kickham. They would trade Mike Napoli for Mike Kickham and a player to be named later, where the player to be named later is actually named immediately and his name is Kyle Seager. That would be a bad move, IMO.
“Time to turn around and flip Kickham for Ryan Howard. Phillies need some more starters.”
I listened to the radio for about five minutes today, and during those five minutes, after Jack Zduriencik hung up from an interview, the hosts debated whether the Phillies had recently offered the Mariners Ryan Howard, because Zduriencik said he’d recently declined a trade for an expensive veteran that would’ve cost a couple young players. The hosts then praised Zduriencik for not agreeing to the deal, if it was in fact Howard, which was a complete and utter guess on their part, and not even a good one. So, in case you’ve been wondering whether you should listen to sports talk radio more, please find your answer in this paragraph. It’s not laid out explicitly, but you’re sharp enough to see it.
“I can’t believe the Mariners gave up Lars Huijer for this.”
Yes you can. The hardest part of this to believe is that the Mariners had a player in the system named Lars Huijer in the first place. Don’t even pretend like you’d ever heard of him before. Try to pronounce Huijer out loud. Like right now, wherever you’re sitting. I bet you stumbled over syllables and there’s not even anyone around you to check your work and call you out. What you can’t believe is that there’s a name that has an H and a U and an I and a J and they’re all in a row. Did you see that story about the two climbers topping out on the Dawn Wall in Yosemite earlier today? It was thought to be impossible, but they pulled it off, and you’re not literally in disbelief over it. You can believe that two climbers free climbed the Dawn Wall on El Capitan. And you can believe the Mariners gave up Lars Huijer for Mike Kickham.
“I guess if he’s no good, the Mariners can Kickham to the curb!”
I’m just kidding, this is a fine response. People get way too weird about puns. Puns are the new clowns. Everyone used to say they were afraid of clowns, but almost no one actually was. And now whenever there’s a pun someone has or someones have to stage some artificial freakout. People act like a pun is the worst thing in the world, like it’s the most horrible and offensive thing they’ve read in a month. You’re not offended, you’re just putting on a show, and here’s the deep dirty secret: we all actually think puns are fun. They are fun. Everybody is wrong about puns. No, let me amend that: everybody acts wrong about puns. They don’t act like they actually feel. People who freak out about puns are liars.
“What number is Mike Kickham going to wear?”
Are you buying a personalized jersey? Don’t buy a personalized jersey.