99 Players*
or, Steinbrenner’s Song
Got a guy from the east, got a guy from the west
Got a guy who fields grounders lets ’em bounce right off his chest
Got a guy from the north, a guy from the south
Got another guy his whole career is one defensive drouth
A guy with a bat, a guy with a glove
A guy we all hate, and a guy we all love
A bench that sucks, a lineup with game
A guy over there, I don’t know his name
Is he even ours? I can’t keep track you see
Release that guy, I don’t like goatees
Word
I’ll play Alex at third
I’ll pay them all and field a team absurd
I’ve got a player with a knee that’s done
If he can’t field we take him to the shed with a gun
A player with hits, one takes a free pass
A player can’t do either but he’s got Yankee class
And I pay them all, I pay them crazily
And then I pay them more, that’s why they play for me
So if you’re having talent problems, I feel bad for you, son
I’ve got 99 players, AJ Hinch ain’t one
I got a guy who’s old, and none that’s new
Nick Johnson was young, and now he’s blue
A guy who’s fat, a guy who’s built
I signed some Scottish guy who plays left wearing a kilt
A guy who’s smart
A guy who ain’t
A guy who can rake
A guy who cain’t
I got a star player beloved in the Tokyo Dome
And some guy from Rome
I got a player who dogged games in Milwuakee
He’s cocky
(broke as a bum)
(most fun)
I’ve got players who hit for power
Players who don’t
Players who take walks
Players who won’t
Players who’re short
Players who’re tall
Guys set up — if we don’t win they’re taking the fall
And I pay them all, I pay them crazily
And then I pay them more, that’s why they play for me
So if you’re having talent problems, I feel bad for you, son
I’ve got 99 players, AJ Hinch ain’t one
[… and so forth]
* apologies to Ice-T/DJ Alladin