Dan Wilson to Retire
There’s a press conference that will be held in about an hour where its expected that Dan Wilson will announce his retirement, effective at the seasons end.
Mariner farm system playoff update
The Rainiers stay alive, forcing a game 5 in the PCL first round playoffs. 6:05, available on the net.
Jeff Clement went 3-5 with two home runs in first game of the A-level Midwest league playoffs. Please, baseball gods, let this catching prospect through. Please.
Game 2 of the MWL starts tonight at 7:35. Audio on the net.
Bryan Price roundtable
Pitching coach Bryan Price comes up as a frequent topic in comments and emails, with opinions ranging from hate to seeming indifference. So we at USS Mariner Labs started to toss this around as a roundtable topic, and present for you our discussion. Read more
Game 142, Orioles at Mariners
In many households, men are taking their place on the sofa and spending hours upon hours watching the National….Football….League.
Forget that. Felix is on the hill. Happy Felix Day, everyone.
Woe is the Offense
I was looking at team batting statistics today, when I discovered a startling fact — the M’s are dead last in all of baseball with a .315 on-base percentage. Seriously, they’re 30th out of 30 teams in Major League Baseball. I knew things were bad, but not this bad. That got me thinking, in a nostaglic sort of way, about when the M’s had a good offense. Remember those days? C’mon, sigh along with me. That’s right, let it out.
Here’s my entry for the 2005 Most Depressing Chart contest:
Year OBP Runs 2000 .361 (3) 904 (4) 2001 .360 (1) 927 (1) 2002 .350 (2) 814 (7) 2003 .344 (7) 795 (11) 2004 .331 (19) 698 (25) 2005 .315 (30) 709*(22) Number in parens is rank among 30 MLB clubs. *Projected total based on runs scored to date
Who else is looking forward to next season’s .300 team OBP?
Excuses, Part Two: Okay, So I Actually Did Steroids
So you’ve been caught doing steroids, despite our best efforts to get you off the hook. Even Skip Bayless doesn’t believe you now.
Buck up, little camper: everybody loves a tearful confession and a promise to never, ever repeat the terrible mistake. This is true even if the “confession” includes excuses rather than the acceptance of responsibility, and even if one never specifies for what one is apologizing.
Hence, in the second and final installment of the USS Mariner guide to suggested explanations, Derek and I cover what to do post-bust.
The Top 15 Reasons I Actually Needed To Do Steroids
15. I’m just a humble intestinal parasite collector trying to build a specimen count.
14. Tired of other marginal players getting all the headlines
13. In training to be governor of California
12. Wanted to get an approving mention in a John Levesque column
11. Homesick for clean, small-town living of Spiro Oklahoma, where men are men, women are women, and baseball players test postive for drugs
10. FedEx lost package with masking agents
9. Wanted to show kids harmful effects of using and being caught using steroids
8. Have you seen me play?
7. Not much else to do in small town, U.S.A.
6. Needed to be strong before going into prison on steroid distribution charges
5. Sent longer-lasting Deca in to see what had happened to the Winstrol and report back
4. Trying to put food on the table for Latrell Sprewell’s family
3. Just wanted an excuse to be in bathroom stall with Jason Giambi
2. Always wanted my name on news ticker at bottom of television screen, so for once Mom would notice me even though all she watches are her stories and Fox News Channel. I love you mom!
1. I learned it from you, all right? I learned it from watching you!
TNT: McGrath on Moose suspension
McGrath’s heart breaks on learning of the latest Mariner suspended.
The Moose becomes more tragically human all the time. I remember when this was the subject of debate.
Some Suggested Excuses For Future Failed Steroids Tests
Michael Morse’s suspension is the third time a Mariner has been suspended for violating the new policy. It’s gotten so bad that the Sacramento Bee is asking whether steroids have replaced caffeine as Seattle’s drug of choice.
Well, at least they both beat heroin.
As Derek pointed out, though, at least Morse’s explanation was original instead of that old fallback, the “tainted supplement,” and was forthright instead of a Palmeiroesque “Winstrol? How did that get there?”
Let’s face it: between the majors and the minors, this team is probably going to need more and better excuses for getting caught.
We at USS Mariner Labs are nothing if not eager to help. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you that Derek and I are two of the most helpful guys around, deserving honorary merit badges in that arena if only we’d join the Boy Scouts.
Hence, Derek and I collaborated on a handy cheatsheet (no pun intended). These are 15 potential excuses that the next 15 busted Mariners should run up the media flagpole.
The reader should note, however, that neither Derek nor I are in the running for “good taste” merit badges any time soon. So if you’re easily shocked or wish to take this list for anything but mirth … maybe you should go read something else.
Stick around for tomorrow’s post: “Part Two: Okay, I Actually Did Do Steroids, But Here’s Why I Needed To.” Read more
You can’t scatter your ashes at Safeco
So that guy who ran on the field was attempting to spread his mom’s ashes (Seattle Times, elsewhere). The Mariners have decided to forbid fans from scattering remains on the field.
“We’re not denying these people their last wishes because we’re mean,” Hale said. “There are too many questions. Where do you put them? How do you handle that? There are a lot of good reasons for us to have policies that don’t allow these kinds of things to happen.”
Rebecca Hale’s the head PR person for the team. Anyway, I have a couple of thoughts:
– What good reason do they have to forbid it? It’s not a biohazard or anything. Doesn’t this just force people to disrupt the game, since it can’t be done in a normal manner? I don’t think people should disobey the law, but seriously, if that was my Dad’s dying wish, there’s really no question it would happen. It’s unreasonable to expect denied people to act reasonably.
– Why do the Mariners get to make that decision? It’s not their stadium. If the PFD wants to allow it, shouldn’t that be their call as long as it doesn’t interfere with the team’s schedule or the condition of the field?
– Other teams have handled this differently. The Cubs, for instance, like to pretend nothing happens — if you ask them what happened when a fan leaned over the rail and dumped something out, they just go “I didn’t see anything.” I’m just saying.
Stone on Morse
Larry Stone forsakes the chance to grandstand on Morse’s suspension and instead writes a considered piece where he goes and talks to people and puts together a nice little piece I recommend.
According to Black, who helped Pete Rozelle set up the NFL’s steroids-testing program in the 1980s, no definitive studies have been done on how long oil-based steroids like nandrolone stay in the system.
“There’s anecdotal reports of 16 months, but we certainly have every reason to believe it could be longer than 16 months,” Black said. “Once injected, it resides in the body for a long period of time.”
It’s interesting too that he includes a mention that WADA, which is frequently cited criticizing MLB’s drug testing as inadequate, has essentially the same “once injected, repeatedly punished” policy MLB does.
Man, I like Larry Stone. There’s a reason he received an official U.S.S. Mariner endorsement.