Raul Ibanez compared to the Weighted Companion Cube

DMZ · November 27, 2007 at 10:10 pm · Filed Under Mariners 

I realized today I had this draft sitting around, and since there’s nothing else afoot…

  Ibanez Weighted Companion Cube
Immobile Y Y
Compensated for efforts Millions of dollars Piece of cake*
Under the right circumstances, invaluable to victory Y Y
Irrationally beloved Y Y
Clubhouse inspiration Y Y
Joins you from Kansas City Royals Vital Apparatus Vent
Loyal N Y
Available as plush toy Presumably Soon
Baked as a cake No as far as we know, no True
Good interview subject Y N
Presence Y Y

Veteran presence

Doesn’t want to be a burden N Presumably yes
Brings you good luck ? Y
Career ends when euthanized in Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator N Y

* cake is rumored to be both delicious and moist, however, so there’s that.


38 Responses to “Raul Ibanez compared to the Weighted Companion Cube”

  1. Sidi on November 27th, 2007 10:20 pm

    But which of them might threaten to stab you? That’s the real reason I’d take the big, immobile hunk of matter. I mean the…uhh, the one that isn’t round.

  2. Bretticus on November 27th, 2007 10:36 pm

    I think Raul wouldn’t want to be a burden and I think he’s loyal too. He came back to the Mariners, after all. I don’t think Raul’s continuing to play LF last year had anything to do with Raul being a jerk, I think it was just McLaren’s fear of a clubhouse mutiny IF he did that. Remember, Richie Sexson had to ASK Hargrove to bench him for a few games when he was struggling so much. Neither Hargrove nor McLaren had the balls to ask their players about any sort of change, and they players weren’t going to speak up and say “Hey, let him take my job.”

    I guarantee you if Jones was the LF starter and Raul was on the bench, He would’ve said “I’ll do whatever the team thinks helps them win. I’d like to play every day but they explained to me why they’re doing this and they think this will lead to wins so I support it.” Raul’s bad at defense and vs. LHP, but he’s not a jerk. He’d understand, even if he didn’t like it, and wouldn’t cause a fuss.

  3. DanO on November 27th, 2007 10:40 pm

    The cake is a lie.

  4. DMZ on November 27th, 2007 10:53 pm

    I’ll go back and double-check “irrationally beloved…” Yup.

    Of course Raul wants to be a burden: he wants to play left field. And conceals injuries, which is awesome.

    And he came back because the M’s offered him more money than anyone else. If he was truly loyal, wouldn’t he have re-signed with the Royals for league minimum?

  5. azruavatar on November 27th, 2007 11:05 pm

    The cake is a lie but there is a bitchin song to cheer you up.

    Anyway this cake is great!
    It’s so delicious and moist!

    Look at me: still talking
    when there’s science to do!
    When I look out there,
    it makes me glad I’m not you.

  6. Sidi on November 27th, 2007 11:09 pm

    The cake is a lie.

    The ending scene proves that the cake isn’t a lie, though. The previous renegade overstated the case about its existence.

    As GladOS said, “You will be baked, and then there will be cake.” The cake may be bait, but it does exist.

  7. Mo Vaughn Is My Hero on November 27th, 2007 11:40 pm

    Nice post, Derek.

  8. dw on November 27th, 2007 11:48 pm

    Raul Ibanez and the Weighted Companion Cube were invited to your party. The Companion Cube couldn’t come because you murdered him. Raul couldn’t come because he had to floss his toes.

  9. Churchill on November 28th, 2007 12:03 am

    Just about every player that has ever been injured at one time or another has concealed injuries from the team.

    Felix has done it.

    So let’s not rip Ibanez for something that so many other players do, just because it’s Raul bashing hour.

  10. Mo Vaughn Is My Hero on November 28th, 2007 12:04 am

    9. But Felix is expected to do some of that stuff, he’s 21. Ibanez is 35, he should know better.

  11. Tek Jansen on November 28th, 2007 12:26 am

    I don’t blame Raul for not volumteering to sit out when he was hurting. However, he could do more to make himself more moist and delicious. Then, while he is doing his running drills during warmups, Turbo would chase after him, which would in turn give Turbo a much needed cardio workout.

  12. Sports on a Schtick on November 28th, 2007 12:27 am

    Can attach additional vowels to name

    Y, maybe (cuuuuuuuuuuuuube???)

  13. azruavatar on November 28th, 2007 1:11 am


    but you don’t get the cake. i worked hard for that cake. the cake is a lie.

  14. Nichos on November 28th, 2007 1:53 am

    The real debate isn’t between the Companion Cube and Raul Ibanez. The Cube wins it hands down. The REAL question is who do you take between the Companion Cube and the Companion Sphere?

  15. Sidi on November 28th, 2007 2:08 am

    The real debate isn’t between the Companion Cube and Raul Ibanez. The Cube wins it hands down. The REAL question is who do you take between the Companion Cube and the Companion Sphere?

    The companion sphere is simply a gimmick. It can’t even properly bounce a combine ball for a minimum portal run. Plus, the sphere…well, it’s put on a few pounds. I’m not run around with.

  16. mln on November 28th, 2007 3:32 am

    Uh… what’s a Weighted Companion Cube? Is that some video game thing the kids are into these days?

    Whatever this thing is, it could never top the magical holy elixir of Veteran Presence, could it?

  17. Typical Idiot Fan on November 28th, 2007 4:05 am


  18. Bad Moon on November 28th, 2007 5:06 am

    You all have had waaaaaay too much exposure to the Weighted Companion Cube. The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

  19. mark s. on November 28th, 2007 7:04 am

    Vidro ate the cake.

  20. smb on November 28th, 2007 7:57 am

    The cake is a lie, Blasphemer? I think not. Newton’s little known Fourth Law states that 1. It is cake. 2. It is delicious. 3. You must eat it.

    Yes Mark, if the Cake is gone, either Vidro ate it or it bounced off Raul’s glove and right over the wall for a dinger instead of a GR double.

  21. petec on November 28th, 2007 8:26 am

    The companion cube plush toy bears a disturbing resemblance to a female amputee. I’m starting to understand the irrational geek love-in with it.

  22. IdahoInvader on November 28th, 2007 8:43 am

    I think “can’t hit lefties” could be checked for each

  23. Dash on November 28th, 2007 9:06 am

    I’d like to add:

    Comes in many delicious varieties?
    Cake: Yes
    Raul: No (or at least I hope not)

  24. msb on November 28th, 2007 9:08 am

    where does the little soul patch come into this discussion?

  25. Brian Rust on November 28th, 2007 9:15 am

    Damn, I spend all that time studying baseball statistics so I can be part of the “in” crowd, only to be mystified by a pop culture reference to a video game that’s only been out a month and a half.

    Now we know what Derek’s been up to while not posting here.

    That being said, he’s certainly earned the break.

  26. Jimmie the Geek on November 28th, 2007 9:20 am

    Typical Idiot Fan Says:


    The sheer irony of someone calling someone else a nerd over the Internet is just awesome!

    (yes, I’m pretty sure you’re joking… but I’m just sayin’ is all!)

    The other real irony of this little thread was already pointed out by Derek in post #4. D’oh!

    Lastly, I’m more of a GTA guy myself. 🙂


  27. smb on November 28th, 2007 9:24 am

    “Ahhh, Raul, I like him very much. But he no help against lefties.”

    “You trying to say Raul Ibanez can’t hit lefties?”

    “Jesus Christ, Harris, let’s not start a holy war.”

  28. RoninX on November 28th, 2007 10:32 am

    This was just a draft? Where there going to be more comparison columns? This would be fascinating to extrapolate on further… 😉

  29. Sec 108 on November 28th, 2007 11:39 am

    This thread makes me feel old and out of touch with you kids. However, I refuse to withdraw from the lineup even if my knees do not allow me to contribute.

  30. scraps on November 28th, 2007 11:53 am

    I guarantee you if Jones was the LF starter and Raul was on the bench, He would’ve said “I’ll do whatever the team thinks helps them win.

    On what do you base this belief? Didn’t Raul say late last year that he’d do anything so long as he was playing full-time? Am I misremembering that?

  31. dw on November 28th, 2007 12:03 pm

    Ibanez can hold a portal gun, though, at that could potentially turn him from a mediocre-on-a-good-day LF into a mediocre-on-a-mediocre-day LF.

    He could fling himself at a fly ball, but the path to the ball would still be a mess.

  32. smb on November 28th, 2007 12:25 pm

    C’mon, you know he’d end up on Occidental buying a footlong dog and wondering how the hell he got outside the stadium.

  33. MindlessBabble on November 28th, 2007 1:35 pm

    Delmon Young to Minnesota for Garza in a 6 player deal. JESUS.

  34. F-Rod on November 28th, 2007 4:04 pm

    Streaky check
    Power check
    Hands check
    Range horrific
    Speed poor
    Vs RHP Rakes
    Vs LHP Sucks

    He wouldn’t be a bad LF in Fenway, but anywhere else he is a liability. Still a somewhat valuable bat but not that valuable considering its 1b or dh. Let’s hope he doesn’t play LF. Not a bad platoon RF, 1B, DH, but he should not be playing left against any lefties or in left field.

  35. Sec 108 on November 28th, 2007 5:03 pm

    This may be bluster from Bavasi, but he seems to like Raul in LF again in 2008.

    “We think we’re at a point we haven’t been in the last four years — where we can add a quality player to our club every year from our Minor League system,” Bavasi said. “The first one would be Jones. We think he can step in and leave [Raul] Ibanez in left, Ichiro [Suzuki] in center and Sexson at first.”

  36. utopianlaw on November 28th, 2007 5:50 pm

    Actually, I would love a comparison between WCC and Bartolo Colon. They weigh about the same, and need to be picked up with a gravity gun?

    Plus, they both want to have their cake (which is a lie, don’t tell Colon).

  37. Dayve on November 28th, 2007 6:34 pm

    What’s the real difference between Ibanez and Jenkins?

  38. scott19 on November 28th, 2007 6:35 pm

    Actually, the companion cube might be able to move around the bases and outfield better than Raul, though. 🙂

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